Me: “Hello! You’ve reached [company] tech support. What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Yeah, my phone doesn’t make any sounds. It vibrates when someone calls, but it doesn’t ring or anything.”

Me: “Hmm… that is kind of strange. I know this is going to sound really obvious, and I apologize for that, but have you tried pressing the volume buttons on the side of the phone?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve done that but it doesn’t do anything. Here, I’ll show you…”

(I hear the sound of his phone beeping.)

Caller: “SON OF A B****!”

(My caller is having an issue with our website that I can’t replicate.)

Me:“Do you know how to create a screen shot and e-mail it to me? If not, I can walk you through it.”

Caller: “I have Windows 8. I could make a screen shot on my old computer, but you can’t make one on Windows 8.”

(As I use Windows 8 myself, I know this isn’t true.)

Me: “Let’s try and see if we can get it. Do you see the button on your keyboard that says ‘print scr’—”

Caller: “Honey, I worked as a tech for 10 years. If you want me to hit the Print Screen button, just say so. There!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I just wanted to make sure you knew where it was, but it sounds like you do. It’s actually alt and the print screen button.”

Caller: “Fine, now what?”

(I assume that she really does know a little about computers, considering the offense she took at my previous instructions. Not wanting to upset her, I decide to continue a bit faster.)

Me: “Okay, now you can paste that into an e-mail for me. Just let me know when you’re ready for my e-mail address.”

Caller: “I’m ready.”

(I give her my e-mail address, spelling it out.)

Me: “I’ll have a look at that screen shot as soon as I get your e-mail, and—”

Caller: “Well, it won’t do much good for you to get a blank e-mail, will it?”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Caller: “You didn’t tell me what to do with the screen shot!”

Me: “Oh, you can just paste it into the e-mail.”

(I’m about to ask if she knows how to do that ‘on Windows 8′.)

Caller: “Well, I’m hitting CTRL+P, and it’s not working!”

Me: “Try CTRL+V instea—”

Caller: “Never mind! It’s right click, then paste on my computer. I sent it. Let me know when it’s fixed.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I will.”

(I never did get that e-mail, and had to call her back the next day to repeat the whole process again.)

Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi! I just received my new computer, and the button on the CD tray doesn’t work properly.”

Me: “Okay, what exactly is the problem?”

Customer: “I press the button, and the tray opens. I put the CD in, but when I press the button to close the tray, nothing happens.”

Me: “Okay, so the tray is open now?”

Customer: “No, it’s closed now.”

Me: “How did you close it?”

Customer: “Oh, I just gave it a punch!”

Me: “Okay…”

(I’m showing a customer our selection of mp3 players. He is looking for two things: small and cheap. I show him an mp3 player that costs only $9.99 and is about two inches long.)

Customer: “I don’t know about this one; it might not be right for me.”

Me: “Is it because it’s only two gigabytes? I know that kind of capacity is a little on the smaller side, but it can still hold more than enough songs to get you through the day.”

Customer: “No, it’s not that. It’s just that there is no screen. I can’t see if a song that I don’t like is going to come up or not.”

Me: “Well, if this mp3 player is for your own personal use, then chances are you’re only going to put on songs that you like, right? So, I don’t think the lack of a screen will be a big deal.”

Customer: “Wow… that is very true, actually. You just totally blew my mind, dude. Whoa, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that!”

Me: “Welcome to [name of ISP] support. This is [my name]; how can I help?”

Customer: “I have a new dangler!”

Me: *stifling a laugh* “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear you. Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I. HAVE. A. DANGLER!”

Me: “I see, and what help might I offer you today?”

Customer: “My dangler isn’t working! Fix my dangler!”

(I realize she is talking about a mobile broadband ‘dongle’. I run through some basic troubleshooting, and fix the problem.)

Customer: “Thank you for your help! I do hate danglers, they never work the way you want them to!”