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    No Point Gagging Over Spoiled Milk

    | CT, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working behind the customer service desk when an elderly woman approaches with a plastic bag.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this milk and get my $3.69 back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. If you give me your receipt, I’ll be happy to help.”

    Customer: “I don’t have the receipt. I threw it away somewhere. I don’t know. Just give me the refund. I smelled this milk, and it went very bad!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m not allowed to issue refunds on opened dairy products without a receipt, but I can do an exchange if you’d like to go pick up a new one.”

    Customer: “I don’t want a new one. I bought this milk this morning and it went very bad, so I’m sure all your milk is bad. I haven’t even had a chance to put it in my fridge yet and it’s already bad!”

    Me: *thinking of the record heat wave we were having* “…Ma’am, it’s almost four pm. Are you saying you’ve had the milk in your car all day today?”

    Customer: “Yes! Where else would I keep it while I visit my friends?! And it is very bad!”

    (She then proceeds to take the plastic jug of milk out of the bag and puts it on the counter. The plastic is transparent and the sun has done a serious number on it; it’s bulging so much that the bottom isn’t flat and the jug is barely standing up straight.)

    Me: “Oh , dear lord… Ma’am, you can’t willingly let your milk spoil and then come ask for a refund. Or even an exchange! I’ll have to ask you to take that away.”

    Customer: “If you don’t believe me, then smell it!”

    Me: “I believe you and I’m not getting near that thing!”

    Customer: “No! You smell it right now!” *grabs the jug of milk and waves it at me*

    (I start backing away and give a little knock on the door behind me to summon the manager. As he comes out, he sees the bulging container in her hands and gasps.)

    Me: “She left it in her car all day. It’s 104°F out there. She wants a refund and she wants me to smell it.”

    Manager: *still standing in the doorway behind me* “Ma’am, we can’t possibly give you a refund for being negligent with your items. You’re welcome to grab a new milk if you want.”

    Customer: “I don’t want a new one. They’re all bad! See? Smell this!”

    (She starts twisting open the cap and everything goes into slow motion as my manager leaps backwards into his office trying to close his door and I reach out to stop her, yelling ‘nooooo!’ Everyone within earshot is watching while she takes the cap off and something comes belching out of the jug: chunky white liquid splashing out onto the counter and the floor. The customer has conveniently opened it facing away from herself and remains clean and upwind.)

    Customer: “See? It’s bad. Smell it!”

    Me: *retching and on the verge of tears* “Oh, god, I can’t NOT smell it!”

    Manager: *cracking open his door with his mouth and nose covered* “Give her the money! Get her out of here!”

    (I smother myself with my own arm as I open the register and throw a five dollar bill onto the counter.)

    Me: “Here is your refund, ma’am, plus whatever. Please just go!”

    (She put the opened milk back on the counter, calmly opened her purse, counted out the $1.31 difference, took the $5, thanked us, and left with a satisfied smile on her face. As I called for the cleaning crew, I grabbed her plastic bag off the counter and felt something inside. She had the receipt the whole time.)

    When You Know You’ve Worked Too Many Doubles

    , | Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working the drive-thru late at night when a man pulls up to the window wearing a latex horse mask; his friend in the passenger’s seat is wearing a Guy Fawkes mask.)

    Driver: “Evening. I’d like some cheese, please.”

    (I stand there for a few seconds, wondering if I’m dreaming.)

    Me: “…you mean a cheeseburger?”

    Driver: “No, just a slice of cheese, thanks.”

    (Without breaking my line of sight with the driver, I grab a single slice of cheese and give it to him.)

    Driver: “Thank you. Would you like a turtle?”

    (The passenger reaches into the back seat and pulls from it a large snapping turtle.)

    Me: “No thank you, sir.”

    Driver: “You sure? His name’s Waylon.”

    Me: “I’m sure, sir.”

    Driver: “Well, have a nice night.”

    (I have yet to tell any of my co-workers about this in fear of them laughing and saying I made it up.)

    Sanity Unplugged

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer in what sounds to be her forties calls in for having trouble with her TV.)

    Me: “So, let’s start by doing a reboot. Can you please unplug the furthest cord on the left for 10 seconds then plug it back in?”

    Customer: “Okay, I don’t know why I HAVE to do this; you should come over and do this.”

    Me: *jokingly* “Ha ha. Well, I would but you live in Texas and I am in Michigan.”

    Customer: “So? I am the customer; you should do what I say!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it would take me a week to get to you. Now, can I just get you to plug the cord back in to see if we can get it working?”

    Customer: “Where do I plug it in?”

    Me: *dumbfounded* “Where it was unplugged from: the far left slot. You can’t miss it.”

    Customer: “Okay, but where is that?”

    Me: *at this point I’m not in the mood for this level of dumb* “Oh, well, it looks like your line is damaged and will need a technician. This is why your TV wasn’t working. How about if I get a technician out there?”

    Customer: “Must have been my dead husband. He’s been haunting me for years.”

    Me: “So… 8-12 tomorrow morning?”

    Customer: “That would be great. Thanks dear, and don’t forget, masturbation is a sin!”

    (I got an extra break after that call because I couldn’t stop laughing.)

    Customer Service People Aren’t People

    | IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m waiting in line at a coffee shop. I’m on break, so I’m still in uniform. Someone behind me speaks up.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! You know, you work here. You should really wait in the BACK of the line, and let us NORMAL, PAYING CUSTOMERS get our drinks!”

    (I flinch. This mall is in a really ritzy neighborhood, and this is what I should have expected, but for some reason it startles me. I had had a bad day anyway, and I turn around to stammer out an apology… to find it’s one of our regulars, a woman who also works in the mall.)

    Me: “I- I- I… I’m sorry…”

    Customer: “Oh, my god, I’m sorry! I was joking! I really was! Do you really get people that do that?”

    Me: *almost in tears* “Yes…”

    Customer: “I am so sorry! Let me pay for your drink…”

    February Theme Of The Month: Hazardous Customers!

    | Not Always Right | Announcements, Theme Of The Month
    Introducing February’s Theme Of The Month: Hazardous Customers!

    Entering is easy:

    1. Submit a funny or interesting story about this month’s theme: Hazardous Customers. Share a story where a customer has been hazardous to your health or mental well-being!
    2. At the end of the month, we’ll feature our favorite Theme Of The Month stories in a roundup!
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