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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Good Idea, Bad Idea

    | South Australia, Australia | Technology

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I can get my customer account number? I seem to have lost it.”

    Me: “Not a problem. I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your full name?”

    (The customer gives me his first and last name. I find him in the system, but I require him to state his full name with first, second, and last name. At this point, I notice that his second name is a bit…unusual.)

    Me: *trying not to giggle* “I’m sorry, but I will require your full name, your first, second, and last name.”

    Customer: “Really? Haha, but I was drunk when I registered. Do I really have to say it? You can see it right there. Surely, I don’t need to say it out loud?”

    Me: “Yes, I can see it. It certainly helps in the identification process, which is why I need you to say it for me.”

    Customer: “All right. Okay, my name is [first name] buttmonkey [last name].”

    Me: “Thank you–”

    Customer: “I really need to net nanny the Internet when I drink.”

    Fashion Over Function Keys

    | Glasgow, Scotland, UK | Technology, Top

    (I’m working as a trainer in a Internet service provider tech support team and I’m taking a call to show the new people how it’s done. One of my assistants is recording the call so we can replay it later.)

    Me: “Welcome to [ISP] tech support. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I’m having problems writing an email. I just can’t seem to do it.”

    (This ISP is known for its less tech savvy customers, so this is rather common.)

    Me: “That’s okay. Do you see a icon like an envelope at the top of the screen?”

    Caller: “Erm, yes!”

    Me: “Okay, click on that.”

    Caller: “Oh, a big box with 2 smaller boxes above it has opened up.”

    Me: “Okay, one of those smaller boxes will say ‘To:’. Can you click on that, please?”

    Caller: “Okay, done that. There’s a little flashing line!”

    Me: “Good, now in that box, we’re going to type an email address. We’ll use mine as a test. It’s C-G-E–”

    Caller: “Wait, wait! How do I put that in?”

    (At this point, I’m wondering if the user can be this stupid.)

    Me: “Well, on your keyboard, hit the letters C-G–”

    Caller: “I can’t.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Caller: “I don’t have a keyboard!”

    Me: “What?”

    Caller: “Well, I threw it away.”

    Me: “Wait. What? Why?!”

    Caller: “It didn’t match the furniture!”

    100% Chance Of Disaster

    | Wellington, New Zealand | Technology, Top

    (I answer calls for technical support within the company.)

    Caller: “My computer is a fire risk.”

    Me: “What makes you say that?”

    Caller: “It gets hot. There are papers near it.”

    Me: “If you’re worried about it, you can move the papers away.”

    Caller: “I am moving the papers, but you must send someone to look at it.”

    Me: “Computers usually get warm–”

    Caller: “You don’t understand. My computer is a fire risk!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll log a job and get someone to look at it.”

    Caller: “When? It is very urgent. I need someone to come now.”

    (I log the job and ring the technician to explain that the customer is very keen to have someone come as soon as possible. The next day, he rings me back to tell me what happened.)

    Technician: “You know that computer that was a fire risk?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Technician: “She meant it was on fire.”

    The Window To The World Wide Nothing

    | Sweden | Technology

    (One of our users calls me. She is having problems logging on to her web mail.)

    Me: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I can’t get into my e-mail!”

    Me: “What browser are you using?”

    Customer: “The Internet.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, when you look at the Internet you are watching it through a window. What is written on the top border of that window?”

    Customer: “No! I am not looking at a window! I am looking at the internet!”

    First Name First, Last Name Last

    | Little Rock, AR, USA | Technology

    Teacher: “I can’t log in. I am using the username our IT guys set up for us.”

    Me: “What username are you using?”

    Teacher: “First_Lastname.”

    Me: “So what is your first and last name?”

    Teacher: “Oh…am I supposed to enter my real first and last name separated by an underscore?”

    Me: “As opposed to what?”

    Teacher: “As opposed to typing ‘First_Lastname’?”

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