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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Robbing Peter To Connect Paul

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Technology, Top

    (While working for a customer service department, I get this call.)

    Caller: “How do I hook up my cable box to the VCR, and the VCR to the TV?”

    (I walk her through the process, TV out from the back of the cable box, to TV in on the VCR, TV out on the VCR, to antenna in on the television.)

    Caller: “No, not getting anything.”

    (I explain it to her again.)

    Caller: “Still nothing.”

    (I walk her through the process: “A” to “B”, “C” to “D”. I do this for the next half hour with no result. Finally, I give up.)

    Me: “Ma’am, how many cables do you have?”

    Caller: “One.”

    Me: “So, when I ask you to attach the cable to each point, where do you get the cable from?”

    Caller: “Oh, I just disconnect it from the previous spot!”

    Introducing The iMoney

    , | Kingston, Ontario, Canada | Technology

    (I work in a call center for a phone company. We often get customers who will say anything to get a credit. This customer is saying that her phone drops calls.)

    Me: “According to my troubleshooting flow, your phone appears to be defective. I can offer to replace your phone for free.”

    Customer: “No, I’ll take a credit.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot offer you a credit. I can only offer to replace your phone.”

    Customer: “Just give me a credit.”

    Me: “I cannot give you a credit.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because that’s the resolution to your issue. Applying a monetary credit to your account will not cause your phone to stop dropping calls.”

    Customer: “Yes, it will!”

    Doctor, We’ve Got A Serious Case Of Self Loathing

    | Missouri, USA | Technology

    (This occurs at the end of a tech support call. I’ve taken the customer through troubleshooting steps that worked, resulting in the customer being back online. He’s followed instructions better than a lot of people I talk to.)

    Customer: *dejectedly* “Thanks for helping me. I’m just so stupid.”

    Me: “No, no, you did great! You got it working!”

    Customer: *incredibly sadly* “Yeah, but you had to tell me everything!”

    Me: *trying hard to cheer him up* “Well, this is my job; I was trained for this. I’m sure you know things about your job that I wouldn’t know!”

    Customer: “No, I’m stupid at my job, too…”

    Guilty As Charged

    | Herndon, VA, USA | Technology

    Caller: “My phone went off and won’t go back on! And now, it’s threatening to arrest me or something!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it’s threatening…to arrest you?”

    Caller: “Yes! It says I’m being charged with battery!”

    Still In The Digital Dark Ages

    | Missouri, USA | Technology

    Me: “Thanks for calling [ISP]. I’m [name], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “There’s no light in my castle!”

    Me: *confused* “Uh…tell me a little more about the problem. Can you reach any websites?”

    Customer: “No! How can I get to a website with no light in my castle?!”

    Me: *still confused* “Could you explain…a little further?”

    Customer: *becoming irate* “I’ve poked its belly button a bunch of times, but there’s no light in my castle!”

    Me: *epiphany* “Oh! The power light on your desktop tower is not lit?”

    Customer: “Tower, castle, whatever! How am I supposed to know all this technical stuff?!”

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