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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Don’t Forget To Stock Up On Salmon Cartridges

    | Hagerstown, MD, USA | Technology

    (A customer is sent back to my department to find ink for her printer.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Do you need black or color?”

    Customer: “I need cayenne.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know which color you mean. We have cyan; that’s a light blue.”

    Customer: “No, I need cayenne. You know, like a peppery red.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t believe we have that color.”

    (The customer bends over to get a closer look at the ink.)

    Customer: “Hmmm, margarine.” *looking at the magenta* “Yellow…I don’t see cayenne.”

    Me: “Are you sure you don’t mean cyan? It kinda sounds like cayenne.”

    Customer: “No, I need red. My printer is out of red. Why wouldn’t you carry red ink?!” *walks out of the store before I can explain further*

    Microsoft Tours Are Megahard

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Technology

    (A customer approaches me on the sales floor.)

    Customer: “Hi…um…where are your Mi-cro-softs?”

    Me: “Sorry, my Microsofts? Microsoft is a company.”

    Customer: “Yeah. It’s on my list here, but I can’t find it in your store.”

    Me: “Actually, they make a lot of stuff.”

    Customer: “Yeah. Show me everything…”

    (I proceed to go through everything Microsoft I can think of, including keyboards, mice, Word, Publisher, Excel, Powerpoint, operating systems, some basic card games, and clip art collections. We go back and forth, and eventually I show her Windows 7 and Office disks. In the end, she left the store without purchasing anything.)

    Square Plug Into A Round Hole

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

    Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to take this plug and put it into that socket.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What is the shape and color of the plug and socket?”

    Caller: “The plug is blue and square-shaped and the socket is a blue circle.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it doesn’t look like those plugs are compatible.”

    Caller: “That’s not right. They’re both blue.”

    Me: “Yes, but the plug is square and the socket is a circle. Square plugs usually won’t fit into a circle-shaped socket.”

    Caller: “But they’re both blue and conduct electricity from this local area. That doesn’t make sense!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you do what you want to do. You need a square-shaped socket for it to happen.”

    Caller: “Really? I’m not so sure you’re right. You sound rather confused, actually…”

    Problem Exists Between Chair, Coffee, Radiator, Dishwasher, Dryer, And Keyboard

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “So, like, I poured coffee on my keyboard, then put it on my radiator to dry it out, then ran it through the dishwasher, then through the dryer, but now when I type it does funny things. Do you think the coffee could have ruined it?”

    (I have to place customer on mute to laugh for almost a minute while he elaborates on his story.)

    Me: “Yes, sir, it does sound like your keyboard has physical damage and will need to be replaced.”

    Please Contact Manufacturer For Missing Parts

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Technology

    (I work for a major cable company troubleshooting internet problems over the phone. I am not sure if the customer in this story isn’t sober or just crazy, but he definitely isn’t right.)

    Me: “All right…let’s reconnect the cables to your router and we’ll have you back up in no time.”

    Customer: *distracted* “Hey, honey? How many fingers should I have?”

    Wife: *in the background* “You have five on each hand.”

    Customer: *panicking* “Oh, God! I’ve only got four and my thumb!” *to me* “I’m going to have to call you back. I need to dial 911 now!” *hangs up*

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