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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    A Pressing Issue

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (The customer has a standard flip phone that she wants to program.)

    Me: “Ok, let’s try the automated system first, and if that doesn’t work, we will do it manually. Please dial *228, press send, and when the automated voice comes on, press 1.”

    (In the background, I can hear the customer dialing, and the voice coming on. No response from the customer.)

    Me: “Just press the button on your keypad that has the number ‘1’ on it, then some music will start.”

    Customer: “Ok, now, how do I press ‘1’?”

    Me: “Just press the button marked ‘1’”.”

    Customer: “No! I know there’s a button marked ‘1’. What I’m asking is how do I press it?”

    Acting Flippantly

    | Halifax, NS, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thanks you for calling [wireless phone company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “You guys sent me a phone but it has no buttons, this is unbelievable! What kind of monkeys do you have working there that you don’t notice your phones have no buttons?”

    (I pull up the information and immediately see the problem.)

    Me: “You said the phone has no buttons correct?”

    Customer: “Well, it has a couple but not the buttons with numbers!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, Do you see that large crack down the middle of the phone?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Pull on either side it will flip open.”

    Customer: “Oh, there they are. It does have buttons. How’d you do that?”

    Phoning It In

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK | Bizarre, Technology

    (A customer phones up 5 minutes before we close, to try and track some products she ordered but haven’t been delivered.)

    Me: “Okay, I’m just going to need to take your contact details, so I can try and trace your order. Can I take your address and your
    phone number?”

    Customer: “I don’t have a phone.”

    Me: “How are we speaking now?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Assault And Battery

    | Massachusetts, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “Hi, I think I have a problem with my computer. I tried fixing it myself, but now it’s just not booting at all. I’d like to have it backed up too while you’re at it, because I run a business and I can’t afford to lose anything.”

    (The next day, I call the customer.)

    Me: “Hello sir, was this the only copy you had for your business data?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, do you have any disgruntled employees that may have had access to your computer recently?”

    Customer: “No, why?”

    Me: “Well sir, the hard drive has been hacked at with what looks like a flat-head screwdriver, severing a connection on the bottom.  It appears very deliberate, and we wont be able to retrieve your data.”

    Customer: “Do you mean the battery?”

    Me: “No, sir, the hard drive.”

    Customer: “Oh. I thought that little round thing on the bottom of the hard drive was a battery. I was just trying to replace it. Well, I’ll just come in and pick that up.”

    Customer: “Very good sir.”

    (4 minutes later, he calls back.)

    Customer: “Just a quick thing, if my wife comes in, and asks about it, could you leave that part out?”

    Some Calls Really Push The Envelope

    | Australia | Crazy Requests, Funny Names, Technology

    Me: “Hi, Welcome to the post office. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I have a problem, I deleted all the messages on my house phone, how do I get them back?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Well I only wanted to delete one message on my phone, but they all got erased, can you help me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand the problem. You know you have called the postal service, yes?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well unfortunately I can’t assist you. You may need to ring the manufacturer of the phone and see how to get your messages back.”

    Customer: “But it’s voice-mail! Mail! Why can’t you help me?!”


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