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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Introducing The iMoney

    , | Kingston, Ontario, Canada | Technology

    (I work in a call center for a phone company. We often get customers who will say anything to get a credit. This customer is saying that her phone drops calls.)

    Me: “According to my troubleshooting flow, your phone appears to be defective. I can offer to replace your phone for free.”

    Customer: “No, I’ll take a credit.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot offer you a credit. I can only offer to replace your phone.”

    Customer: “Just give me a credit.”

    Me: “I cannot give you a credit.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because that’s the resolution to your issue. Applying a monetary credit to your account will not cause your phone to stop dropping calls.”

    Customer: “Yes, it will!”

    Doctor, We’ve Got A Serious Case Of Self Loathing

    | Missouri, USA | Technology

    (This occurs at the end of a tech support call. I’ve taken the customer through troubleshooting steps that worked, resulting in the customer being back online. He’s followed instructions better than a lot of people I talk to.)

    Customer: *dejectedly* “Thanks for helping me. I’m just so stupid.”

    Me: “No, no, you did great! You got it working!”

    Customer: *incredibly sadly* “Yeah, but you had to tell me everything!”

    Me: *trying hard to cheer him up* “Well, this is my job; I was trained for this. I’m sure you know things about your job that I wouldn’t know!”

    Customer: “No, I’m stupid at my job, too…”

    Guilty As Charged

    | Herndon, VA, USA | Technology

    Caller: “My phone went off and won’t go back on! And now, it’s threatening to arrest me or something!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it’s threatening…to arrest you?”

    Caller: “Yes! It says I’m being charged with battery!”

    Still In The Digital Dark Ages

    | Missouri, USA | Technology

    Me: “Thanks for calling [ISP]. I’m [name], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “There’s no light in my castle!”

    Me: *confused* “Uh…tell me a little more about the problem. Can you reach any websites?”

    Customer: “No! How can I get to a website with no light in my castle?!”

    Me: *still confused* “Could you explain…a little further?”

    Customer: *becoming irate* “I’ve poked its belly button a bunch of times, but there’s no light in my castle!”

    Me: *epiphany* “Oh! The power light on your desktop tower is not lit?”

    Customer: “Tower, castle, whatever! How am I supposed to know all this technical stuff?!”

    It’ll Click Eventually

    | England, UK | Technology

    Me: “Welcome to the IT service desk. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to click on the power button, but for some reason it’s not working.”

    Me: “The power button?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you know, the one on the bottom right of the screen, with the green light? I’d have thought the help desk would know what a power button is.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you don’t actually click on the power button. It’s a physical object and needs to be pressed with your finger.”

    Customer: *slight pause* “I don’t get it. I’ll go back and try again…”

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