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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    WEP Behind The Ears

    | Dronten, The Netherlands | Technology

    Me: “Good morning, [ISP]. This is [name] speaking.”

    Caller: “Yes, good morning sir. I’m trying to connect my internet, but it’s asking me for a ‘wireless key’.”

    Me: “Alright, sir, that’s the password you can find on the back of your router.”

    Caller: “You misunderstand me, sir. It’s asking for a key, not a password.”

    Me: “Yes, the key is a password. It’s on your—”

    Caller: *angry* “It’s asking for a key! I have the key here. I’m just looking for the keyhole!”

    Me: *surprised* “May I ask where you got that key?”

    Caller: “It’s the key on the door where the modem is in! The modem key! I just need to know where to put it in!”

    Spyware Is Strength

    | South Carolina, USA | Technology

    (I run my own computer repair business out of my home. A customer has just arrived to pick up their computer, and I am explaining what I have done.)

    Customer: “That didn’t take long. I expected you to have my computer for a few more days.”

    Me: “I didn’t have to do much. You had two nasty viruses and some spyware to remove, but everything is good as new now.”

    Customer: “What? You removed my spyware? No!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “But my computer can’t run without spyware! It keeps Big Brother from watching!”

    (She storms out without paying, and I decide to them her go. Not surprisingly, they come back a few weeks later after gunking up their computer again!)

    Big Power Is Watching You

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Technology

    (Some electric utility residents in Arizona have the option to sign up for pre-paid electricity, which places a user display terminal in their home. Commonly referred to as “the box,” most customers place the box somewhere in their kitchen or dining room.)

    Me: “Good morning, this is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi! I really hope you can. My box isn’t working. I keep pushing the buttons, but the display isn’t showing me anything, and I’m worried I’m going to run out of power.”

    Me: “Alright, I’d be happy to look into that for you. First, we’ll need to go through a few quick steps. Could you please verify that the display unit is plugged in?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “Okay! Could you check for me and ensure that the battery is also inserted into the back of the display unit?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s there.”

    Me: “Okay, great! Do you currently have your display unit plugged into one of your kitchen outlets?”

    Customer: *very long pause* “Yes…why? Can you see me?!”

    Me: “Um, no…not at all, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Then how come you knew I was standing in the kitchen, huh?! Explain THAT!”

    Me: “Well, many of our customers like to plug their display units into their kitchen or dining room outlets, so I just took a lucky guess.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *pauses* “So, you CAN’T see me, right?”

    Me: “Not at all, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Okay, good!”

    Open Says-A-Me

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Technology

    (I remote into computers so I can fix our company’s software. I only fix our company’s software, not general computer problems.)

    Me: “Ma’am, it looks like I’m having problems saving this file in your Windows directory. I’m going to need administrative rights. Can you log in as an administrator?”

    Customer: “Okay, you have my permission.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You have my permission. I give you rights!”

    Me: “No, I mean, I need access to an administrative account.”

    Customer: “You have permission! I told you!”

    Me: “Uhh…sorry, ma’am, I don’t have your password. I need you to actually log off of this account and log in as someone else with administrative rights.”

    Customer: “Ooohhh…”

    Thick(headed) As Thieves, Part 2

    | UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Top

    (Our ISP has recently had to block access to a certain download site as the result of a court order. This takes place the day that the block came into effect.)

    Customer: “Why can I not access [site]?”

    Me: “As part of a court order, [site] has now been blocked on our network. If you wish further information regarding this please refer to [information site].”

    Customer: “I want a discount!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want a discount! I pay for a service and you are now limiting my service. I want money off my subs!”

    Me: “I’m afraid that we cannot do that.”

    Customer: “What am I supposed to do now? I got hundreds of movies, shows and games off that site! Where will I get them now?”

    Me: “I guess you’ll have to purchase them, sir.”

    Customer: “Why? They’re available free online and now you’re preventing me getting them. How is that fair?”

    Me: “Most of the content on that site was illegal and it is against the terms of your service to use your connection for the illegal download of copyrighted material.”

    Customer: “Don’t be stupid. If it was illegal, why would it be available for download for free?”

    Me: “That’s why we’ve had to block the site, sir. It’s because of all the illegal content.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t download anything illegal from it, so unblock it now!”

    Me: “What was the last thing you downloaded, sir?”

    (The customer tells me the name of an exceptionally popular movie. It’s still doing extremely well in the cinema, and won’t be available at retail until September.)

    Me: “That’s still in the cinemas, sir. You can’t even buy that in the shops yet. That would be an illegal download.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not!”

    (This goes on for another 15 minutes, with the customer adamant that because he could download it for free, then it must be legal. Note that he has also been extremely rude and aggressive whilst I remain calm.)

    Me: “Sir, I take it that you are going to continue to download illegal material?”

    Customer: “Yes, because it’s not illegal!”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir. I’ve just processed an immediate cancel of your services. Your broadband service will be cancelled within the next hour due to breach of your terms of service. Your details will also be passed to the relevant authorities to investigate your illegal activities. Your final bill is [price]. We no longer wish you as a customer. Thank you for your time.”

    (I passed on the details and his service was cancelled within 10 minutes. I’ve yet to hear about whether he was investigated or not. My manager gave me a cookie for dealing with the call so well.)

    Related:
    Thick(headed) As Thieves

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