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    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 3

    | Roanoke, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, School, Technology

    (I work at an IT help desk during college, helping both students and faculty. We have a call from a Computer Science professor; he is in the middle of teaching a classroom and wants a new mouse.)

    Me: *entering classroom* “You asked for a new mouse, right?”

    Professor: “It took you long enough! We’ve been waiting to start class for 15 minutes now!”

    Me: “Well, here you go.”

    (I put his mouse on the desk and start to walk out.)

    Professor: “Wait, aren’t you going to install it?”

    Me: “…It’s a USB mouse.”

    Professor: “So? I don’t know how to install these things!”

    Me: “It’s a plug-and-play mouse. Sir, you just—”

    Professor: “Just install the d*** mouse!”

    (At this point, I realize what I’m dealing with. I walk over, plug the mouse into the port labelled “USB” on the front of the tower, and walk out. The class erupts into laughter. The next day, he filed a complaint against the IT department for ‘Defamation and Public Humiliation’.)

    Related:
    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 2
    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

    Big Brother Is Not Watching You

    | ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a call centre that handles calls exclusively from American customers. Since we’re located right on the Ontario-Michigan border, we often tell customers that we’re located in Northern Michigan to avoid having to explain how the company manages to serve Americans properly.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company], roadside assistance. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “You have a weird accent. Where are you from?”

    Me: “I’m from Northern Michigan, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh! That’s where I am! You must be able to see me, then!”

    (I assume she means on our program’s mapping system.)

    Me: “I don’t have your location listed here, ma’am. If you’ll answer a few questions, I can get that information from you in a moment. Is your—”

    Customer: “You mean you can’t see me?”

    Me: “Not yet, ma’am. First I have to get some more information from you and then I can bring up a map of your location.”

    Customer: “No, on the cameras! Can’t you see me on the cameras?”

    Me: *confused* “What cameras, ma’am?”

    Customer: “They’re right there! I’m waving at it! It’s just on top of the traffic light!”

    (I realize she’s talking about the traffic camera that takes photos of vehicles that run red lights. I spend the next 10 minutes trying to explain that. Eventually, she accepts I can’t see her.)

    Customer: *resigned* “Well, I guess if you can’t see me, I’ll just call my husband. He can change my tire…”

    (She hung up before I could explain that we could set up service. About 20 minutes later, I heard my coworker explaining to a customer that traffic cameras are not a country-wide surveillance system. It was the same woman. She hung up on him, too!)

    Always Free To Complain

    | Canada | Technology

    (As an internet service provider, the company provides a free email account. The email server’s information is currently not working properly with third party applications such as Outlook.)

    Customer: “My email is not working.”

    Me: “Yes, we do apologise. Our mail server is experiencing problems at this time. However, it’s web based version is always accessible for your convenience.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to use the internet. I want to receive my mail.”

    Me: “You can still receive mail. You just have to go to [web address].”

    Customer: “No. I want to be credited for this horrible thing.”

    Me: “Well, sir, is your internet service working?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately that’s the service you’re paying for. The email is provided free of charge, so I am afraid I cannot credit you, considering the service you’re being charge for is working.”

    Customer: “I want to be credited because the email is down.”

    Me: “But, sir. You pay nothing for the email. Zero dollars.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! Credit me now!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. I will be happy to credit you 50% of what you have paid for the email.”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Something Is Off About The Situation

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “Can you help me with this game? It’s not working!”

    Me: “Sure no problem. Glad to help!”

    Customer: “I put my money in and am pushing start, and it’s not working.”

    Me: “It’s not working because it’s off. The game is off, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What do you mean off?”

    Me: “It’s off, as in the opposite of on. That’s why the screen is all black.”

    Customer: “Oh. I thought it was some black screen game.”

    Gotta Catch His Son

    | WA, USA | Family & Kids, Technology, Top

    (I am helping a male customer who’s encountered an odd glitch on an old copy of Pokemon Platinum.)

    Customer: “Yesterday, I was near collecting all the available ‘mon’ on this version. Now I turned it on today and they’ve all disappeared except for four! You sold me a faulty game!”

    (I turn his DS on and check his save file. Sure enough, his inventory is empty save for ‘Starly’, a ‘Turtwig’ and an ‘Piplup’.)

    Me: “Hmmm, that is… incredibly strange. Umm, let me see if there’s a way to run a BIO on this.”

    Customer: “You’d better! And you d*** better find a way to get all my Pokemon back! I spent months getting them all, and now they’re gone because you sold me a glitched piece of s***!”

    (I hustle to the back, explaining what’s happened to our resident tech. He’s just as stumped as to how this could’ve happened so we both spend a moment or so trying to figure out what’s gone wrong with the game. Finally, however, I notice something that’s odd: both ‘Turtwig’ and ‘Piplup’ are starter Pokemon, which are given to you when you start a new game. Typically you’re only allowed one of these so it should be impossible for them to both be on the same save file… unless this customer traded for the other with someone.)

    Me: “Sir, do you know anyone else who plays this game as well?”

    Customer: “What? Well, yes my son plays it with me all the time.”

    (I explain the above to him, and he noticeably calms down.)

    Customer: “I see. Could you excuse me for a second? I need to make a phone call.”

    (He steps outside the store and begins a seemingly normal call. It soon, however, gets increasingly loud as the man tears into the poor soul on the other end of the line. After doing this for a few minutes he hangs up and enters the store again, resuming his calm demeanor.)

    Customer: “Okay, I’ve now found out what happened. Please accept my apologies for that previous outburst. It seems someone significant at home was in need of a ‘Chimichar’ and a ‘Psyduck’ to complete his own collection, only rather than say searching online for someone willing to trade, he decided it’d be easier just to erase his daddy’s game, start a new one and choose the aforementioned so he could then swap it and the ‘Psyduck’ for his other two spare starters.”

    Me: “Well, I’m likewise sorry he ruined all your hard work.”

    Customer: “Don’t. It wasn’t your fault after all… actually…” *he pushes the game towards me* “…how much would one of these, plus a slightly used DS go for these days? I have the distinct feeling my son won’t be needing either for a long time.”

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