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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

    | Tennessee, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] DSL tech support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My modem bit me.”

    Me: “It… bit you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I went to turn it off and it bit me. And now it’s staring at me every time I try to get back in the room.”

    (The modem has two red lights on the front that are lit solid when everything is working properly. The customer also sounds like they’re not exactly sober, so I decide that giving them a logical response won’t be much help to them.)

    Me: “All right, what you should do is turn the light on in the room, close the door, and go to bed. The modem will stay up all night trying to get to you, but be stuck in the room. By morning it’ll be too exhausted to fight back and you can duct tape it to the desk to keep it in line from now on.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    (The next day, he actually called back to compliment me for solving his problem!)

    And The Nerds Shall Uninstall The Earth

    | Wisconsin, USA | Technology

    (I am on the phone answering a customer’s pre-sales questions about our media production software. She has seemed like an ordinary middle-aged woman so far.)

    Me: “I just looked up the camera model you gave me, and our software should work with it just fine.”

    Customer: “…Should?”

    Me: “Yes. The file type that camera uses is supported by our software.”

    Customer: “Whatever. Will it run on my computer?”

    Me: “Are you running Windows XP?”

    Customer: “No. Windows 7.”

    Me: “Then there shouldn’t be a problem. With Windows 7, you should be fine.”

    Customer: “There’s that ‘should’ again! You need to tell me for sure if this will work or not!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t know enough detail about your system to say anything for sure. That said, everything I’ve heard so far seems fine. You shouldn’t have any trouble.”

    Customer: “No! Don’t say ‘should!’ Why can’t you just tell me if it will work or not? It’s a simple question!”

    Me: “Every computer is different. Even if two people bought identical models off a shelf, just choosing different programs to install would change how each computer runs. You and I can walk through the technical specifications page, compare all the details to your setup, and have a very very good idea if our software will work. But the only way to know for sure is to actually install it and see. That’s why we offer a free trial.”

    Customer: “No! You’re lying! Why would computers be like that? That makes no sense! You should know for sure!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion. Computers are very flexible tools, which is what makes them so hard to predict over the phone. Let’s download the free trial then, to see if—”

    Customer: “That’s not it! I’ll tell you why! It’s revenge! The nerds got so fed up with everything they made computers impossible to use just to spite us! IT’S REVENGE!”

    Related:
    And The Nerds Shall IPO The Earth

    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 10

    | Lafayette, LA, USA | Technology

    Caller: “Somebody is hacking into my modem.”

    Me: “Hacking into your modem?”

    Caller: “Yes, they’re hacking into my modem.”

    Me: “Why do you think somebody is hacking into your modem?”

    Caller: “Because every time they do it, the link light blinks. LOOK! They’re doing it now. Can you see?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can’t see what your modem is doing, but I assure you no one can hack into your modem. The link light flashes to let you know information is being transmitted from your modem to your router or computer. Now, it is possible for someone to hack into your computer. If you’d like to protect your computer, you can download the free antivirus provided with your internet service.”

    Caller: “No, no, no. I can’t do that. I’ve tried it before.”

    Me: “Why can’t you?”

    Caller: “Because every time I try to download antivirus, somebody tries to hack into my computer. So, I have to hurry and unplug it before they can!”

    (This indeed turns out to be true, as I find the following note on her account from a previous call: “Cx states when she tries to download antivirus, a box comes up on her screen saying ‘Downloading Norton’. Cx unplugs her computer quickly because someone is trying to download something on her computer so they can hack into it faster. Not sure what to do!”)

    Related:
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 9
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 8
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 7
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 6
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless

    Dumbed Down

    | Portsmouth, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (Note: I am working on the technical support phone line at a large computer reseller.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve bought a new computer from you guys and it’s brilliant. Unfortunately, you’ve made a small mistake.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “The DVD drive is upside down. It still works, but I have to hold in the discs while I close the drive.”

    Me: *confused* “Okay… well, bring it in and I’ll get it sorted while you wait.”

    (Half an hour later, I’m covering the returns desk while my colleague is on break. The customer I spoke to on the phone comes up with his computer and places it on the returns desk.)

    Customer: “Someone said they’d fix this for me. The DVD drive is upside down.”

    Me: *turns computer up the right way*

    (The customer was so embarrassed he took his computer and ran out out of the store!)

    Problem Exists Between Sign And Keyboard

    | Yukon, Canada | Technology

    (Note: The public computers in our office have been down and I’m in the process of repairing and cleaning them. As such, I’ve taped “Do Not Use” signs on the computer monitors. A client walks in, sits at the desk, pulls the sign off the monitor, and proceeds to try and use the mouse and keyboard.)

    Client: “Why isn’t this working?! I need to check my email!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the computers aren’t working right now. I’m fixing them now. They should be up by this afternoon.”

    Client: “I need to check my email right now! I demand you make them work!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but you can’t use the computer right now.”

    Client: “And WHY NOT?!”

    (I point to the computer tower on my work desk that’s currently in pieces.)

    Me: “This is the computer, sir.”

    Client: “So? I shouldn’t need that thing to make it work! All the important parts are still right here!”

    (The “important parts” he’s referring to? The monitor and keyboard.)

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