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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    No Recognition Or Cognition

    | Canada | Language & Words, Technology

    (A customer comes in asking for dictation software. I showed him a very popular dictation package.)

    Customer: “Does that use voice recognition?”

    Me: “Yes, it does.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t want that! Voice recognition doesn’t work. Do you have any dictation software that doesn’t use voice recognition?”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Customer: *looks annoyed and leaves*

    Try Adobe HeathenShop

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Religion, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Excuse me, can you tell me how this converter works?”

    Me: “Let me see. It looks like you put your old photo negatives into it and it converts them to digital images.”

    Customer: “So, it doesn’t make them Christians?”

    Me: “Uh…what? Who?”

    Customer: “It says it’s a “converter”. So, does it make the people in the pictures turn from devil worshippers into Christians?”

    Me: *stunned* “No…No, it doesn’t do anything like that. It takes old negative strips from film cameras and converts them into digital images.”

    Customer: “So, it won’t make them Christian?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Customer: “What a useless piece of crap that is, then!”

    Forget-PC-Not

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

    (I’m working as operator for a computer repair shop.)

    Customer: “I’d like to check on the status of my repair, please.”

    (I look her up in our system and her computer has been ready for 48 days.)

    Me: “Ma’am, your computer has been ready for 48 days.”

    Customer: “I know! I forgot all about it. Today, my daughter asked about the computer. I was all, ‘What computer?’”

    Me: “Well, if you could pick it up before the 21st, that would be great. Otherwise, we have to recycle it.”

    Customer: “Don’t do that! I need my computer!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. Today’s the 8th. You have some time.”

    Customer: “But what if I forget?”

    Me: “Please don’t!”

    The Cannabis Chronicles

    | Hilo, HI, USA | Health & Body, Technology

    Customer: “I need an auxiliary cable and a USB cord.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem.”

    (I take the customer to where the USB cords are and hand him the one he wants. He puts it under his arm and we continue over to where the aux cables are.)

    Me: “All right, and here’s your cable. Is there anything else that I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need a USB cord.”

    Me: “Like the one under your arm?”

    (The customer looks down and seems shocked to be holding the cord.)

    Customer: “Woah! Must be all that weed I smoke!”

    The Notified And The (Not)ified, Part 2

    , | Northwest England, UK | Technology

    (I work for a broadband provider that has a package for 10GB in usage. This is normally for those who use the internet very little. If you hit 7GB, we will send you an e-mail to let you know. If you go over the 10GB, we will e-mail you and advise you to move up in packages to avoid being charged for going over.)

    Me: “Hello, you’re through to [name] at [ISP]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: *angrily* “You’d better help! I’ve just seen one of my bills and it says you are charging me for going over my broadband usage.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, sorry to hear about that. Let me just have a look into this…”

    (I check his broadband usage and he has used about 70GB. He has an average usage of 60GB for the last 12 months.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, I can see that there has been a lot of high usage for the last year. If you move to an unlimited pack, you wont be charged for going over this month.”

    Customer: “The last year? I better not have been charged for that.”

    Me: “I’m afraid you have been, sir. We have sent you many e-mails to let you know when you got near and went over the usage.”

    (He has been sent so many e-mails, the first 20 are not even shown on the list.)

    Customer: “Bull***t! I check my e-mails 10 times a day and not once have you ever e-mailed me!”

    Me: “Sir, we have sent the e-mails to [e-mail address].”

    Customer: “I don’t use that e-mail address anymore, so of course I didn’t get them!”

    Me: “Did you ever update your e-mail with us so we can send them to the correct e-mail?”

    Customer: “No, but you should have checked if I have opened them or not. You should have let me know that I was near my usage limit in the post!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but [ISP] wouldn’t know you have swapped your e-mail unless you inform us. In regard to letting you know by post, it takes 5 working days for a letter to be sent out, sir. In that time, you would have gone over the 10GB and still would have been charged. Also, you are on monthly paper billing, so we have actually informed you via post every month on your bill.”

    Customer: *very angrily* “Well, I don’t open my bills! Just by chance, my wife opened this one and showed me these charges!”

    Me: “I sorry, sir, but like your e-mails, we don’t know if you have been opening your mail or not. So, we have informed you via post and e-mail but you have not opened either. What else would you have us do?”

    Customer: “Well! Have you ever thought about telling me over the phone?”

    Me: “I am doing that now, sir—”

    Customer: “Well, it ain’t good enough!” *hangs up*

    Related:
    The Notified And The (Not)ified


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