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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line, Part 2

    | Oak Ridge, TN, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    Caller: “Yes, I would like you to send me a new modem. This one you sent me is possessed.”

    Me: “…Possessed, ma’am? What makes you say that?”

    Caller: “I turn the lights out, and the beast stares at me with the eyes of Lucifer!”

    (The modem she is using has two lights on the front. When the modem is powered on but not connected to anything, the lights blink red.)

    Me: “Does the modem ever seem to calm down at all, ma’am? Or is it always angry?”

    Caller: “It only gets angry when I unplug it at night, but I have to unplug it so it doesn’t bring other demons! I can’t leave it connected when I’m not watching it!”

    (I spent a good 15 minutes with this lady, who was always very kind, explaining that the lights were only status indicators. She insisted the modem was possessed, and I eventually sent her a new modem with blue lights instead.)

    Related:
    How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

    Inconsiderate People Never Take Stock Of Other Customers

    | London, UK | Awesome Customers, Technology

    (We sell printer ink cartridges. As we don’t have the space to display them all, we place dummy cards which have the name and price on them. They all have a ‘subject to availability’ sticker on them).

    Customer #1: “Just these two.” *places dummy cards*

    Me: “I’m afraid we’re out of stock on one, sir. Would you like us to order you one?”

    Customer #1: “No.”

    (I proceed to scan the one.)

    Me: “Your total is £15, please.”

    Customer #1: “But what about the other one?”

    Me: “As I said, we are unfortunately out of stock.”

    Customer #1: “Now you listen here! I have, selflessly come in MY OWN time. I have come to YOUR store. Now GET me my INK!”

    Me: “I don’t know what I can do for you, sir. We haven’t got it.”

    Customer #1: “Well, I’m not moving until I have that ink!”

    (He smiles and crosses his arms, keeping eye contact with me. By now, a line has formed behind him.)

    Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave, sir.”

    (The customer doesn’t speak and continues to stand there. Suddenly, another customer behind him grabs him by the scruff of his neck and turns him around.)

    Customer #2: “May I suggest you selflessly go f*** yourself?!”

    Customer #1: *goes red and quickly darts for the door*

    She Uses The Google, Part 3

    | Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling the [Company] Festival. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God! I need help! Your website is terrible. I can’t do anything on it! All I want to do is book my damn tickets. This is f***ing disgusting.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble! I can help you book your seats. What show are you interested in?”

    Caller: “I just can’t do anything on it. I can’t even find the calendar. You really need to be more accessible. This is the worst website I have ever seen! Who the h*** made this trash?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, miss. If you are having this much trouble, I would be more than happy to help you order over the phone. It will only take a—”

    Caller: “NO!”

    Me: “No?”

    Caller: “Tell me how to do this. I’m not a stupid old crone.”

    Me: “Sure! I can guide you through the process. Are you on our website at this moment?”

    Caller: “Of course I’m f***ing on your website!”

    Me: “Okay, then. The first thing I want you to do is login. I can create a temporary username and password on this end for you to use.”

    Caller: “Login?”

    Me: “At the very top of the page it should say ‘Welcome, please login.’ I want you to click that message.”

    Caller: “I don’t see it.”

    Me: “It should be in big bold red letters, right above our logo.”

    Caller: “Don’t be stupid. All it says is ‘Google!’”

    (As you can imagine, the call went on for quite some time before I finally convinced her to let me book her order over the phone!)

    Related:
    He Uses The Google
    He Wants The Google
    She Uses The Google, Part 2
    She Uses The Google

    In Defence Of Common Sense

    | Canada | Money, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Yeah, this phone still powers on, but the flip part of the screen has been ripped off. Can you pull the contacts off and put them on my new phone? I’m not a customer with your company though.”

    Me: “That’s okay. Well, sometimes if the device is still operational I might be able to access the contacts transfer even without the screen. I’ll try my best.”

    Customer: “I NEED these contacts. I’m desperate.”

    Me: “I understand how frustrating this is for you. We charge $15 to do the transfer. But if it doesn’t work, I wont charge you anything at all.”

    Customer: “What? You’re not going to do it for free?”

    Me: “No, sir, I have to charge a fee for my time and services.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! You should do it for free!”

    Me: “Right, and what do you do for a living, sir?”

    Customer: “I make fences.”

    Me: “Awesome! Is it cool if I swing by after work and get you to build me a fence for my puppy who likes to play in my backyard? Of course, I can’t pay you, so can you do it for free?”

    Customer: “What?! No! I don’t work for free.”

    Me: “Yeah, neither do I.”

    Customer: *lightbulb goes on*

    (I transferred his contacts, and yes, he paid the service charge.)

    How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

    | Tennessee, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company name] DSL tech support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My modem bit me.”

    Me: “It… bit you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I went to turn it off and it bit me. And now it’s staring at me every time I try to get back in the room.”

    (The modem has two red lights on the front that are lit solid when everything is working properly. The customer also sounds like they’re not exactly sober, so I decide that giving them a logical response won’t be much help to them.)

    Me: “Alright, what you should do is turn the light on in the room, close the door and go to bed. The modem will stay up all night trying to get to you, but be stuck in the room. By morning it’ll be too exhausted to fight back and you can duct tape it to the desk to keep it in line from now on.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    (The next day, he actually called back to compliment me for solving his problem!)

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