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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Does Not Com-Poo-te

    | TX, USA | Technology

    (I work at a computer repair store.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my laptop won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Okay, let me check it out for a few minutes and see if I can’t figure out what’s going on.”

    (I proceed to run my typical quick diagnostics when a computer won’t turn on. I try a different AC adapter, hold down the power for 30 seconds, etc. but nothing seems to work.)

    Me: “Well, sir, it looks like it’s still not wanting to work, but I can send it out for a fee. What happened to it?”

    Customer: “Well, my toilet exploded on it.”

    Me: “…Excuse me… what?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my toilet exploded on it.”

    Me: “Yeah, unfortunately we can’t fix that, but we have a bunch of new laptops you can look at.”

    (I then proceeded to scrub myself all the way up to my elbows in the bathroom, appalled that he didn’t tell me that until AFTER I had handled it!)

    What A Touching Thing To Say

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK | Family & Kids, Technology

    (I work in a toy shop, so I often end up having conversations with kids while their parents go through the tills.)

    Me: *scans an expensive toy* “Wow, is this for you?”

    Little Girl: “Yes! It’s my birthday! And I got an iPod Touch, too!”

    Me: “Wow! I didn’t get an iPod until I was 22.”

    Little Girl: “Maybe your mum doesn’t love you.”

    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 11

    | UK | Technology

    Me: “Thanks for calling [store name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My internet won’t work! You have to fix it now! My business is losing hundreds of pounds thanks to you!”

    Me: “I certainly do apologise about that. Are the lights on?”

    Customer: “Yes, but one’s flashing.”

    Me: “Okay, is the DSL cable plugged in securely?”

    Customer: “DSL cable? There isn’t one of those!”

    Me: “Erm, okay. So, what cables do you have plugged into it?”

    Customer: “I haven’t got any plugged into it! It said it was a wireless router! So I don’t need any wires, duh!”

    Me: “So… where is the router ma’am?”

    Customer: “It’s in the filing cabinet, of course!”

    Related:
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 10

    Radio Killed The Credit Card Score

    | Newcastle, NSW, Australia | Technology

    (Many debit cards and credit cards now come with contact-less payment technology. I get at least two calls a day to remove the technology from cards, which the bank can’t do.)

    Me: “Hello, welcome to [bank]. My name is [name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ve just received my new credit card, and it has that radio frequency payment stuff on it. I don’t want it.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, [major credit card company] has made that technology a standard across all cards. We at [bank] have no control over this and cannot remove it. You don’t have to use contact-less payment if you don’t wish to. You can still sign or pin when making pay—”

    Customer: “I don’t want it! You’ve got two choices: issue me a card that doesn’t have it, or I’ll chop up the card right now!”

    (Note that it has been a very long day at this point: our computer systems have crashed, causing long delays in the call queue. So, having angry customer after angry customer has been taking it’s toll on me.)

    Me: “Well, best break out the scissors then.”

    Customer: “I’ll close my account!”

    Me: “Okay, if I can have your card number, I’ll cancel and close your account now.”

    Customer: “Er… umm…” *defeated* “No, I’ll activate the card please. If that’s okay?”

    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 3

    | Roanoke, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, School, Technology

    (I work at an IT help desk during college, helping both students and faculty. We have a call from a Computer Science professor; he is in the middle of teaching a classroom and wants a new mouse.)

    Me: *entering classroom* “You asked for a new mouse, right?”

    Professor: “It took you long enough! We’ve been waiting to start class for 15 minutes now!”

    Me: “Well, here you go.”

    (I put his mouse on the desk and start to walk out.)

    Professor: “Wait, aren’t you going to install it?”

    Me: “…It’s a USB mouse.”

    Professor: “So? I don’t know how to install these things!”

    Me: “It’s a plug-and-play mouse. Sir, you just—”

    Professor: “Just install the d*** mouse!”

    (At this point, I realize what I’m dealing with. I walk over, plug the mouse into the port labelled “USB” on the front of the tower, and walk out. The class erupts into laughter. The next day, he filed a complaint against the IT department for ‘Defamation and Public Humiliation’.)

    Related:
    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 2
    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

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