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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 11

    | UK | Technology

    Me: “Thanks for calling [store name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My internet won’t work! You have to fix it now! My business is losing hundreds of pounds thanks to you!”

    Me: “I certainly do apologise about that. Are the lights on?”

    Customer: “Yes, but one’s flashing.”

    Me: “Okay, is the DSL cable plugged in securely?”

    Customer: “DSL cable? There isn’t one of those!”

    Me: “Erm, okay. So, what cables do you have plugged into it?”

    Customer: “I haven’t got any plugged into it! It said it was a wireless router! So I don’t need any wires, duh!”

    Me: “So… where is the router ma’am?”

    Customer: “It’s in the filing cabinet, of course!”

    Related:
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 10

    Radio Killed The Credit Card Score

    | Newcastle, NSW, Australia | Technology

    (Many debit cards and credit cards now come with contact-less payment technology. I get at least two calls a day to remove the technology from cards, which the bank can’t do.)

    Me: “Hello, welcome to [bank]. My name is [name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ve just received my new credit card, and it has that radio frequency payment stuff on it. I don’t want it.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, [major credit card company] has made that technology a standard across all cards. We at [bank] have no control over this and cannot remove it. You don’t have to use contact-less payment if you don’t wish to. You can still sign or pin when making pay—”

    Customer: “I don’t want it! You’ve got two choices: issue me a card that doesn’t have it, or I’ll chop up the card right now!”

    (Note that it has been a very long day at this point: our computer systems have crashed, causing long delays in the call queue. So, having angry customer after angry customer has been taking it’s toll on me.)

    Me: “Well, best break out the scissors then.”

    Customer: “I’ll close my account!”

    Me: “Okay, if I can have your card number, I’ll cancel and close your account now.”

    Customer: “Er… umm…” *defeated* “No, I’ll activate the card please. If that’s okay?”

    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 3

    | Roanoke, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, School, Technology

    (I work at an IT help desk during college, helping both students and faculty. We have a call from a Computer Science professor; he is in the middle of teaching a classroom and wants a new mouse.)

    Me: *entering classroom* “You asked for a new mouse, right?”

    Professor: “It took you long enough! We’ve been waiting to start class for 15 minutes now!”

    Me: “Well, here you go.”

    (I put his mouse on the desk and start to walk out.)

    Professor: “Wait, aren’t you going to install it?”

    Me: “…It’s a USB mouse.”

    Professor: “So? I don’t know how to install these things!”

    Me: “It’s a plug-and-play mouse. Sir, you just—”

    Professor: “Just install the d*** mouse!”

    (At this point, I realize what I’m dealing with. I walk over, plug the mouse into the port labelled “USB” on the front of the tower, and walk out. The class erupts into laughter. The next day, he filed a complaint against the IT department for ‘Defamation and Public Humiliation’.)

    Related:
    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 2
    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

    Big Brother Is Not Watching You

    | ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a call centre that handles calls exclusively from American customers. Since we’re located right on the Ontario-Michigan border, we often tell customers that we’re located in Northern Michigan to avoid having to explain how the company manages to serve Americans properly.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company], roadside assistance. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “You have a weird accent. Where are you from?”

    Me: “I’m from Northern Michigan, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh! That’s where I am! You must be able to see me, then!”

    (I assume she means on our program’s mapping system.)

    Me: “I don’t have your location listed here, ma’am. If you’ll answer a few questions, I can get that information from you in a moment. Is your—”

    Customer: “You mean you can’t see me?”

    Me: “Not yet, ma’am. First I have to get some more information from you and then I can bring up a map of your location.”

    Customer: “No, on the cameras! Can’t you see me on the cameras?”

    Me: *confused* “What cameras, ma’am?”

    Customer: “They’re right there! I’m waving at it! It’s just on top of the traffic light!”

    (I realize she’s talking about the traffic camera that takes photos of vehicles that run red lights. I spend the next 10 minutes trying to explain that. Eventually, she accepts I can’t see her.)

    Customer: *resigned* “Well, I guess if you can’t see me, I’ll just call my husband. He can change my tire…”

    (She hung up before I could explain that we could set up service. About 20 minutes later, I heard my coworker explaining to a customer that traffic cameras are not a country-wide surveillance system. It was the same woman. She hung up on him, too!)

    Always Free To Complain

    | Canada | Technology

    (As an internet service provider, the company provides a free email account. The email server’s information is currently not working properly with third party applications such as Outlook.)

    Customer: “My email is not working.”

    Me: “Yes, we do apologise. Our mail server is experiencing problems at this time. However, it’s web based version is always accessible for your convenience.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to use the internet. I want to receive my mail.”

    Me: “You can still receive mail. You just have to go to [web address].”

    Customer: “No. I want to be credited for this horrible thing.”

    Me: “Well, sir, is your internet service working?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately that’s the service you’re paying for. The email is provided free of charge, so I am afraid I cannot credit you, considering the service you’re being charge for is working.”

    Customer: “I want to be credited because the email is down.”

    Me: “But, sir. You pay nothing for the email. Zero dollars.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! Credit me now!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. I will be happy to credit you 50% of what you have paid for the email.”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

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