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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Out With The Old And In With The Nothing

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Technology

    (This is the second time this customer has called in today for the same issue, after calling in 3 times about it yesterday.)

    Me: “I can understand how you are frustrated that your email is not working in Outlook. However, it still works in webmail, so why don’t you use that for the time being until we hear back from our hosting technicians about your issue?”

    Caller: “That’s not what I’m paying for! I want you to fix my Outlook right now!”

    Me: “Sir, we do not provide Outlook. We provide the webmail that routes to your email, so you aren’t paying us for something that is unavailable. The webmail still works, so you can still use that for now.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to use that archaic piece of garbage! I want my Outlook! You guys are putting me out of business!”

    Me: “So, you won’t use webmail, even though it still works, because you don’t like the layout?”

    Caller: “I want my Outlook back! You are putting me out of business with this delay!”

    (Note: it has been less than 24 hours since the original complaint was filed.)

    Me: “Sir, our technicians are working on the issue. This issue will take time to fix.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m not seeing any effort! Tell them to work faster! I will be calling back this afternoon to speak with a supervisor! You are putting me out of business!”

    Me: “Sir, there is nothing that can be done except wait and use the webmail service for now.”

    Caller: “But I don’t want to use webmail! I want to use my Outlook! You go tell those guys to stop drinking coffee and fix my email! Don’t you understand how I feel?”

    Me: “Certainly, sir, but the webmail service we provide is still working, so you can use it for the time being to keep in contact with your clients and your business won’t be affected.”

    Caller: “You aren’t listening! Forget it! You’re putting me out of business and I will not use the webmail!” *hangs up*

    It Works Better When Fed Cheese

    , | California, USA | Technology

    (Our college has students of all ages in attendance. Sometimes, the older ones need a little more guidance with using technology. Today, an older gentleman approaches my help desk brandishing several handwritten sheets of lined paper.)

    Student: “My teacher says I need to type this.”

    Me: “Okay! Well, I think the best program is Word. Just double-click on that blue “W” right there.”

    (The student pokes the monitor’s screen with his index finger.)

    Me: “Ah, well, actually, we don’t have touchscreens. You have to use the mouse. See?”

    (I gesture to the mouse.)

    Student: “Oh, okay.”

    (He picks up mouse, places it on the monitor screen and clicks. The he looks at me expectantly.)

    Me: “Er, well, you have to use it on the mouse pad.”

    (I take the mouse and put it back on the mouse pad. Then I show him that when moving the mouse, the cursor on the screen moves.)

    Student: “It’s not working very well. Maybe you guys didn’t feed it enough.”

    We Call Them Magic Voice Boxes, Part 2

    | Ireland | Technology

    (I am working one day when this rather angry guy comes up to me and bangs his phone down on the counter.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My phone stopped working and it wont turn on.”

    (I fiddle around with the phone a bit. Then, I plug the phone into a charger and voila, the phone turns on.)

    Me: “Sir, did you charge the battery on the phone?”

    Customer: “What do you mean did I charge the phone? No one told me that I would have to use my electricity to use this phone. I thought it had a battery!”

    Me: “Sir, all mobile phones have chargeable batteries. It’s standard. They need to be charged for a few hours every couple of days.”

    Customer: “That’s a disgrace. How can you expect people to use their electricity to use the phone?!” *grabs his phone and storms out*

    Related:
    We Call Them Magic Voice Boxes

    Might We Suggest Freedomfox

    | New Brunswick, Canada | Technology

    (I am working at a call center offering tech support for an American cell phone company’s website.)

    Caller: “Your website is broken!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, we can do some troubleshooting. First, what browser are you using?”

    Caller: “What’s a browser?”

    Me: “You know, Firefox, Chrome, Safari–”

    Caller: “Oh, no, no, no! I only use the good old American Explorer!”

    Good Idea, Bad Idea

    | South Australia, Australia | Technology

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I can get my customer account number? I seem to have lost it.”

    Me: “Not a problem. I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your full name?”

    (The customer gives me his first and last name. I find him in the system, but I require him to state his full name with first, second, and last name. At this point, I notice that his second name is a bit…unusual.)

    Me: *trying not to giggle* “I’m sorry, but I will require your full name, your first, second, and last name.”

    Customer: “Really? Haha, but I was drunk when I registered. Do I really have to say it? You can see it right there. Surely, I don’t need to say it out loud?”

    Me: “Yes, I can see it. It certainly helps in the identification process, which is why I need you to say it for me.”

    Customer: “All right. Okay, my name is [first name] buttmonkey [last name].”

    Me: “Thank you–”

    Customer: “I really need to net nanny the Internet when I drink.”


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