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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Sudo-Religious

    | New Zealand | Religion, Technology

    (An older customer with a very old laptop approaches me.)

    Customer: “Can you help me? I upgraded to the new Windows 7 thing and it’s going really really slow. Do I have a virus?”

    Me: “I’ll take a look, but have you considered running Linux or moving back to Windows XP if you still have it? Your computer’s probably slow because it’s not new enough to handle the more intensive new operating systems.”

    Customer: “But Linux is made by atheists!”

    The Boss-tomer Is Always Right

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Technology, Top

    (I am overhearing a heated argument between a very rude customer and my manager.)

    Customer: “This game isn’t working like it’s supposed to. I demand a full refund!”

    Manager: “Once again, sir, the packaging’s already been opened. I’m afraid there’s not much I can do. If you had read the packaging before opening it, you would have known that this game would not be compatible with your system.”

    Customer: “That’s a lie! You are lying to me! This game is d*** well compatible. This one is just defective!”

    (I walk over to where my manager and the customer is. Much to my horror, I am met with a very unpleasant surprise: the customer is actually my boss at my second job.)

    Customer: “Hey! [my name]! Help me out here! This guy clearly doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

    Me: “Well, [boss], why don’t you explain to me your side of the story, since I just joined in?”

    Customer: “I tried to run this game on my girlfriend’s laptop and it won’t work. Now this guy over here is trying to tell me that it isn’t supposed to work!”

    Me: “Um, well, he’s right. That game isn’t compatible with computers. This is an Xbox 360 game.”

    Customer: “Aww, for Christ’s sake, not you too! My girlfriend’s laptop runs Windows. Windows is Microsoft. Xbox is also Microsoft.”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. If it did, that would defeat the purpose of having two separate products.”

    Customer: “Don’t give me that bulls***! I want my money back now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you really should’ve asked an employee before you bought that game, or at least read the back of the box. We can’t take back opened products.”

    Customer: “You really gonna talk to me like that? Well, fine! You better start working here full-time now, because as of now, your a** is fired from MY shop!”

    (My now ex-boss takes his game and angrily leaves the store. What does he do for a living? He’s the owner of a retail shop and his return policy is much more strict than ours.)

    A Lose-Snooze Situation

    , | Vancouver, Canada | Technology

    Customer: *rushes into the store* “I need a battery.”

    Me: “Sure, what type of battery do you need?”

    Customer: “It’s for my home alarm system. It’s not working because the battery is dead.”

    Me: “Okay, do you know what size or type of battery it uses?”

    (I show him the various sizes: AA, AAA, C, 9 Volt, etc.)

    Customer: “I don’t know. These all look the same.”

    Me: “Could you bring in the one that is not working and I will match it up with the correct one to ensure you purchase the correct one?”

    Customer: “You mean, bring the dead battery here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that! It’s for my alarm system. If I take the battery out, it won’t work. The battery is dead, so my alarm is not working!” *leaves*

    By Doing Nothing, The Customer Solves Itself

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Technology

    (I work at a call center for an online auction site.  The first thing we need to ask when we answer the phone is for their user name.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. May I have your user name, please?”

    Caller: “It’s [user name].”

    Me: “Thanks. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I forgot my user name.”

    Me: “You mean the user name you just provided me with?”

    (There’s an awkward pause while the caller processes what I’ve said.)

    Caller: “Oh…never mind!” *click*

    Related:
    By Doing Nothing, The Problem Solves Itself

    Detached From (Digital) Reality

    , | Beltsville, MD, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work for an online retail store. When customers send orders to addresses different from their card, we e-mail them a Word document form. This form requires they fill it out and e-mail it back to us.)

    Customer: “I don’t understand. I’ve sent this form to you several times now.”

    Me: “Sir, I saw your e-mail, but the form wasn’t attached to it.”

    Customer: “Attached? How do you do that?”

    Me: “What program or e-mail provider do you use?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. I just write e-mails.”

    Me: “Well, is your e-mail through Outlook, or is it something in a browser, like AOL, Yahoo, or Gmail?

    Customer: “Yahoo.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, you need to look for—”

    Customer: “Hold up! I don’t even have my e-mail open. Why do I need to do this? I used your program and sent you the file.”

    Me: “What program, sir?”

    Customer: “Microsoft Office. And now it’s opening a bunch of files! 1, 2, 3, 4…20!”

    Me: “Did you click on our file a bunch of times?”

    Customer: “No! I just clicked on what you sent me! Your program is really stupid.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s not our program. We sent you a document. The program to open it is someone else’s.”

    Customer: “Well, your ‘document’ has a virus! There are 20 things on my screen now!”

    Me: “It’s not a virus, sir. Just close those windows down, and we’ll start from scratch…”

    Customer: *a few minutes later* “There. I filled out the form. You should have it.”

    Me: “Sir, did you save it and attach it to the e-mail?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I filled it out! You should have it.”

    Me: “You have to save it and attach it to the e-mail.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid! Your program should just send it to you!”

    Me: “Sir, again, that’s not our program. That is just a Word document that you save your information in.”

    Customer: “You should use a program that just lets you fill it out and it sends the information.”

    Me: “Sorry, our documents don’t do that.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculously complicated. I’m about to cancel my order!”

    Me: “If you wish to do that sir, it’s up to you.”

    Customer: “I mean, how do you run your business? I have a Master’s in Computer Science! If I can’t figure this out, who could?!”


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