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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Dumbed Down

    | Portsmouth, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (Note: I am working on the technical support phone line at a large computer reseller.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve bought a new computer from you guys and it’s brilliant. Unfortunately, you’ve made a small mistake.”

    Me: “Sorry about that. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “The DVD drive is upside down. It still works, but I have to hold in the discs while I close the drive.”

    Me: *confused* “Okay… well, bring it in and I’ll get it sorted while you wait.”

    (Half an hour later, I’m covering the returns desk while my colleague is on break. The customer I spoke to on the phone comes up with his computer and places it on the returns desk.)

    Customer: “Someone said they’d fix this for me. The DVD drive is upside down.”

    Me: *turns computer up the right way*

    (The customer was so embarrassed he took his computer and ran out out of the store!)

    Problem Exists Between Sign And Keyboard

    | Yukon, Canada | Technology

    (Note: The public computers in our office have been down and I’m in the process of repairing and cleaning them. As such, I’ve taped “Do Not Use” signs on the computer monitors. A client walks in, sits at the desk, pulls the sign off the monitor, and proceeds to try and use the mouse and keyboard.)

    Client: “Why isn’t this working?! I need to check my email!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the computers aren’t working right now. I’m fixing them now. They should be up by this afternoon.”

    Client: “I need to check my email right now! I demand you make them work!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but you can’t use the computer right now.”

    Client: “And WHY NOT?!”

    (I point to the computer tower on my work desk that’s currently in pieces.)

    Me: “This is the computer, sir.”

    Client: “So? I shouldn’t need that thing to make it work! All the important parts are still right here!”

    (The “important parts” he’s referring to? The monitor and keyboard.)

    Online Store, Meet Offline Brain, Part 2

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | Money, Technology

    Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in stock. I can order it for you, though.”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t do that ordering stuff. I don’t give my credit card information out under any circumstances.”

    Me: “Well, we process the orders through a register, so it’s actually just like making a regular purchase.”

    Customer: “I already told you, no! I don’t do that ordering stuff! I’ll just get it online. That’s all!”

    Me: “But buying it online IS ordering. You’re giving your credit card information out.”

    Customer: *pats my shoulder* “Oh, dear, it’s totally different. You have so much to learn, don’t you? Now, have a nice day!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Related:
    Online Store, Meet Offline Brain

    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 9

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name and location]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was wondering what time you closed? I need to bring in my computer monitor and exchange it for a new one.”

    Me: “We close at nine. If you don’t mind my asking, why do you need to exchange yours, ma’am? I may be able to help and save you the trip.”

    Customer: “Well, I saw that you all sold those wireless monitors and was going to get one but they’re so expensive. So I just decided to make mine a wireless one instead. But I guess I must have done it wrong because now it won’t work.”

    Me: “You… tried to make your monitor into a wireless one? How?”

    Customer: “Oh, I just cut the cord that was dangling out of it. Like I said, I must have cut it wrong though. So I need a new one.”

    Me: “I… see. Well, um, ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, but, well, I can’t just give you a new monitor because you destroyed your old one.”

    Customer: “Really? Well. We’ll just see about that, won’t we? I’m going to come in and speak to your manager. Then we’ll see who does what for whom!”

    (She came in with her self-destroyed monitor, and no, she didn’t get a new one!)

    Related:
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 8
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 7
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 6
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless

    An Ink-ling That They’ve Been Cell-eeping Around

    | Saginaw, MI, USA | Love/Romance, Technology

    Customer: “Hey man, you do printers? I got this printer here. It doesn’t work, doesn’t print, doesn’t take paper, and just says ‘carriage jam.’ How much you tryin’ to charge me here?”

    Me: “Whoa, hold on. Let’s take a look. It’s usually just a piece of paper in there. No big deal.”

    (I plug the printer in, load up some scrap paper to test it on, and hit the copy button. It makes a makes a horrible grinding noise and shakes so hard the front panel pops open.)

    Me: “Okay, that’s not a piece of paper. Any idea what happened?”

    Customer: “No, man. I was just printing… uh… pictures, man… just nothing for work, you know?”

    (I open all the access doors and start pushing against the rollers. I see a gray object with a headphone jack and a screen on it stuck way down into the mechanism.)

    Me: “Sir, have you lost a cell phone recently?”

    Customer: “No, man. It’s not a cell phone. It’s a printer, man. PRIN-TER.”

    Me: “No, I know. It’s just… you seem to have a cellphone stuck down in there.”

    I turn the printer around and show the customer. I eventually get his cellphone out, and as I go to print his receipt and he powers up his phone. Suddenly, the customer starts screaming, scaring everyone in the store.)

    Customer: “That b****! F***ing w****! It’s HIS phone!” *breaks the phone*

    (The customer gets a grip on himself and manages to pay his bill.)

    Customer: “Knew it! F***ing knew it!” *walks out the store, minus his printer or cellphone*

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