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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Your Connection Is Totally Forked

    | Norway | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Technology

    (I work at a call center for an Internet provider. This winter we have particularly bad weather. There has just been a huge thunderstorm over the west side of the country, frying both slams and modems all over. The call center is overloaded due to all the calls, and every time I get a new call I know the caller will spend the first 10 minutes complaining about the wait… which only makes the wait for other customers longer.)

    Me: “Welcome to [Internet Provider]. Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: *eerily cheery* “Oh, you sound nice! I’m so glad you decided to talk to me!”

    Me: *not sure if this person is being sarcastic or not* “Um… Thanks? What can I do for you?”

    Caller: *all of a sudden sounds very normal* “Oh, yeah. I kinda have a problem. You see, there is something wrong with my line. You know, into the house. And I’ve kinda fixed it myself, but now with all these storms, I’m not sure it will be good enough. So if there is any chance you could get a tech out and fix it before the next storm hits, that would be very much appreciated.”

    Me: *happy this has turned into such a normal and nice call* “Sure! I’ll put in an order for a tech right now! But, just for the record, please note that we do not encourage people to fix their own lines… It could be quite a fire hazard.”

    (I go ahead and get the usual info. Address, when the person is available, type of line etc. Everything seems normal.)

    Me: “Okay, so just one more question. Do you know what caused damage to the line?”

    Caller: “Well, it happened in another storm. In 1645!”

    Me: “Excuse me?!”

    Caller: “Yes! The big storm of 1645! It came loose from the connection point in my house because of the wind! And lightning! But I fixed it! With a fork!”

    Me: “You… fixed it. With… a fork.”

    Caller: *excited* “YES! But the fork is rusty now. It would be nice if you fixed it!”

    Me: *defeated* “Sure. Why not.”

    (I make a note of the whole stupid story in the tech’s order, send it on it’s way, and think no more of it. Two days later, a tech calls in and asks to talk to me. I get the call transferred.)

    Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. You wanted to talk to me?”

    Tech: *super excited* “THERE REALLY WAS A FORK!”

    The Request Is Not Relative To The Situation

    | UK | Crazy Requests, Technology

    (I work in the admissions office.)

    Caller: “Can you email me to confirm that I’ve paid the deposit?”

    Me: “No problem. I’ll do it as soon as I get off the phone.”

    Caller: “It’s very urgent…”

    Me: “Okay, just give me a second… Right, I just wrote you an email and I’m sending it now.”

    Caller: “Can I get it sooner? I don’t have much time.”

    Me: “Sooner than now?”

    Caller: “Yes, please.”

    It Has A Few Bugs In It

    | MA, USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Technology

    (A customer comes in with a weather station, where there’s a small transmitter that goes outside to give you the outside temperature, and a bigger receiver that goes inside to show you the indoor temperature and what the transmitter is saying the outdoor temperature is. The transmitter isn’t working properly and is saying “LL” instead of a temperature. When a customer comes in with anything they claim doesn’t work, we have to troubleshoot.)

    Me: “All right. The transmitter runs on batteries, so I’m gonna swap them out and see if that’s the problem.”

    Customer: “Oh, those are brand new. I don’t see why that would be a problem.”

    Me: “Well, sometimes it just happens, so let’s look.”

    (I open the transmitter and take out the batteries, when something small and white falls out.)

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “…sir, I think those are maggots.”

    Customer: “Well, how did those get in there?”

    Me: “Bugs tend to go wherever its warm, and the transmitter must have been giving off heat.”

    (The customer then proceeds to bang the transmitter on the counter, trying to get out all the maggots. Now the counter covered in maggots and I’m starting to feel sick.)

    Me: “All right, sir, maybe I should take one more look at it.”

    (I took the transmitter back from the customer and went to look in the battery pack, when I saw spiders start to crawl out towards me. I dropped the transmitter on the counter and ran into the back to have a panic attack alone. I came back out and the customer is still there, talking to my coworker, and wanting to get the device replaced. We told him no. Lucky for us, he left his maggot and spider infested product with us.)

    A Development For The Lesser Developed

    | Manila, Philippines | Awesome Workers, Bigotry, Technology

    (I am a technical support person for an ISP in Australia. Customers often ask us where the calls are routed to. They really don’t mind as long as you help them but this one is just different. After walking an irate customer through the troubleshooting steps:)

    Customer: “Where is this call routed to?”

    Me: “Your call has been routed here in the Philippines.”

    Customer: *in a rude tone* “So, I’m basically talking to a monkey?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. A monkey who’s teaching you how to use your pocket wifi.”

    Customer: “…” *click*

    Unable To Channel The Caller

    | Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work tech support for the Internet part of a company that also provides cable TV and cell phones, so sometimes we get calls meant for other departments. When that happens, we just transfer them over. One day I get a call from an older, heavily-accented caller.)

    Me: “Thanks for choosing [Company] Internet tech support. What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “My weather network, and the news, and, uh… it no work!”

    Me: “Your Internet isn’t working?”

    Customer: “No! Not Internet. TV! My weather channel isn’t working! And the news channel!”

    Me: “Oh, your cable TV isn’t working!”

    Customer: “”Right!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that! Well, you’ve reached Internet tech support, so let me get you right over to cable TV repair, and they’ll be able to look into that for you. Before I get you to them, do you have any Internet questions for me while you have me here?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “My weather channel isn’t working!”

    Me: “Okay, well, then, let me get you right over to cable TV repair then. This will just put you back into hold while I get you to them. There may be just a brief wait–”

    Customer: “Wait!”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “My news channel isn’t working!”

    Me: “Well, that’s still on your TV, so let’s get you right over to the right department–”

    Customer: “Wait!”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “My weather channel isn’t working either!”

    Me: “Okay, well-let-me-get-you-right-over-to-the-right-guys-they’ll-be-with-you-in-just-a-sec-bye!” *hits transfer button*

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