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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Open Says-A-Me

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Technology

    (I remote into computers so I can fix our company’s software. I only fix our company’s software, not general computer problems.)

    Me: “Ma’am, it looks like I’m having problems saving this file in your Windows directory. I’m going to need administrative rights. Can you log in as an administrator?”

    Customer: “Okay, you have my permission.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You have my permission. I give you rights!”

    Me: “No, I mean, I need access to an administrative account.”

    Customer: “You have permission! I told you!”

    Me: “Uhh…sorry, ma’am, I don’t have your password. I need you to actually log off of this account and log in as someone else with administrative rights.”

    Customer: “Ooohhh…”

    Thick(headed) As Thieves, Part 2

    | UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Top

    (Our ISP has recently had to block access to a certain download site as the result of a court order. This takes place the day that the block came into effect.)

    Customer: “Why can I not access [site]?”

    Me: “As part of a court order, [site] has now been blocked on our network. If you wish further information regarding this please refer to [information site].”

    Customer: “I want a discount!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want a discount! I pay for a service and you are now limiting my service. I want money off my subs!”

    Me: “I’m afraid that we cannot do that.”

    Customer: “What am I supposed to do now? I got hundreds of movies, shows and games off that site! Where will I get them now?”

    Me: “I guess you’ll have to purchase them, sir.”

    Customer: “Why? They’re available free online and now you’re preventing me getting them. How is that fair?”

    Me: “Most of the content on that site was illegal and it is against the terms of your service to use your connection for the illegal download of copyrighted material.”

    Customer: “Don’t be stupid. If it was illegal, why would it be available for download for free?”

    Me: “That’s why we’ve had to block the site, sir. It’s because of all the illegal content.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t download anything illegal from it, so unblock it now!”

    Me: “What was the last thing you downloaded, sir?”

    (The customer tells me the name of an exceptionally popular movie. It’s still doing extremely well in the cinema, and won’t be available at retail until September.)

    Me: “That’s still in the cinemas, sir. You can’t even buy that in the shops yet. That would be an illegal download.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not!”

    (This goes on for another 15 minutes, with the customer adamant that because he could download it for free, then it must be legal. Note that he has also been extremely rude and aggressive whilst I remain calm.)

    Me: “Sir, I take it that you are going to continue to download illegal material?”

    Customer: “Yes, because it’s not illegal!”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir. I’ve just processed an immediate cancel of your services. Your broadband service will be cancelled within the next hour due to breach of your terms of service. Your details will also be passed to the relevant authorities to investigate your illegal activities. Your final bill is [price]. We no longer wish you as a customer. Thank you for your time.”

    (I passed on the details and his service was cancelled within 10 minutes. I’ve yet to hear about whether he was investigated or not. My manager gave me a cookie for dealing with the call so well.)

    Related:
    Thick(headed) As Thieves

    In Plain Site

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Technology

    Caller: “Your website sucks. I can’t even get last month’s statement!”

    Me: “I’d be more than happy to help, sir. You can definitely obtain last month’s statement.”

    Caller: “No, I can’t! I looked everywhere. Your website is the worst bank website I’ve ever seen!”

    Me: “I’ll show you exactly where you need to go, sir. You can obtain last month’s statement by—”

    Caller: “Even [other bank] and [another bank] have better websites than you! This is absolutely ridiculous!”

    Me: “Like I said, sir, we do have last month’s statement on our website. You can even see your statement from years ago.”

    Caller: “No, you can’t! Your website sucks! You should have last month’s statement!”

    Me: “If you can humour me, sir, please log in.”

    Caller: “Fine, I’ve logged in. You see?! I don’t see last month’s statement anywhere!”

    Me: “So you’re currently on the home page, sir?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “Okay, now please click on “Last Statement”, which is right in the middle of the page.”

    Caller: *clicks the link and stays totally silent*

    Me: “Did you need help looking up anything else?”

    Caller: “Your website still sucks!”

    Kernel Panic

    | Illinois, USA | Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at my local electronics store as a technician. A customer in her mid-30s walks up with a laptop.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong with my laptop screen. It’s all screwed up!”

    Me: “Screwed up like how? Can you please be more specific, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it. The picture’s all warped, and there are these funny multicolored lines on it.”

    Me: “Well, let me take a look at it…”

    (The customer sets the laptop on the counter and I turn it on. As soon as it turns on, it is obvious that the laptop screen is cracked.)

    Me: “Wow! It looks like the screen has an internal crack in it. What happened? Did the laptop fall? Was it struck with something?”

    (The customer looks at me sheepishly for a few moments, and then she responds.)

    Customer: “Last night, I was online and I was eating pistachios. One of them had a really hard shell. So, I took the nut, set it on the laptop, and closed the lid on it so the shell would crack.”

    Me: “You tried to crack open a nut with your laptop?!”

    Customer: “Well, yeah. I didn’t think a pistachio would break my laptop!”

    Take Your Time, And Ours Too

    | Ohio, USA | Food & Drink, Technology, Time

    (Note: I have been trying to help a caller get logged into our website for 20 minutes, but she keeps mistyping her username.)

    Me: “Alright, let’s try this again. Remember that your username is ******. So, try it again and I’ll wait for you to type.”

    Caller: “Okay, I’ll try it again. Just give me a minute to type.”

    (For a few minutes, there is silence. Then, I hear her get up, walk away from the phone, and begin to punch what sounds like microwave buttons. Soon afterwards, I hear popcorn popping.)

    Me: *confused* “Are you still trying to enter your username?”

    Caller: “Oh! Are we still trying to get me logged in? I thought we were just chatting now, and I thought I would make myself a snack!”


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