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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Darn-Fangled Dangle

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Funny Names, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Welcome to [name of ISP] support. This is [my name]; how can I help?”

    Customer: “I have a new dangler!”

    Me: *stifling a laugh* “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear you. Could you repeat that?”

    Customer: “I. HAVE. A. DANGLER!”

    Me: “I see, and what help might I offer you today?”

    Customer: “My dangler isn’t working! Fix my dangler!”

    (I realize she is talking about a mobile broadband ‘dongle’. I run through some basic troubleshooting, and fix the problem.)

    Customer: “Thank you for your help! I do hate danglers, they never work the way you want them to!”

    His Attitude Needs A Converter

    | Watertown, MA, USA | Bigotry, Technology

    (I am the only female in the electronics department of a large retail store. A young male customer comes in.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Er, um, actually if you don’t mind, could I perhaps speak to someone a bit more… male?”

    Me: “Why of course, sir. Give me one moment.”

    (I find my direct supervisor. I let him know that the customer wants to speak to someone more ‘male’.)

    Supervisor: “Hello, sir. I understand you have a question for me?”

    Customer: “Yes. I was wondering if you sold any televisions that didn’t need a converter box.”

    (My supervisor looks at me.)

    Me: “If you purchase a television that was manufactured after 2004, a digital tuner is more likely to have been included in the design specifications. We can check for an Advanced Television Systems Committee input if you’d like.”

    Customer: “Uh… so?”

    Me: “An ATSC is often referred to as a ‘digital input’, which negates the need for an external antennae to capture an analog signal. When the conversion happens, it will be essential that the TV you wish to continue using have the ability to receive and translate digital signals.”

    Customer: “Um…”

    Me: “Furthermore, should you decide to utilize a Video Cassette Recorder, you would most likely find it beneficial to connect a converter box to translate the digital signal to an analog recording outlet.”

    Customer: *blank look*

    Me: “Any TV we sell has a built in digital tuner, so you don’t need a converter box. If you want to use a VCR with a new TV, you will need a converter box.”

    Customer: *speaking quickly* “Um, thanks. Have a nice day. Sorry.”

    (The customer proceeds to bow his head, tuck his hands in his pockets, and walk rapidly towards the front door.)

    Supervisor: “Nice.”

    The Number One Problem With Laptops

    | MA, USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer drops off a laptop for repair. I set up the unit and test for common software and settings issues with no results. I turn the computer over, remove the bottom panel and immediately notice liquid and dried residue around the battery and main-board. A few seconds later a very strong smell of urine hits in waves and fills the tech. I call the customer to inform her of the findings.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. I’ve taken a look at your computer, and we have found liquid inside the computer.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know.”

    Me: “Umm… the liquid appears to be biological in origin. Urine.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know.”

    Me: “…unfortunately, we are prohibited from working on computers that have a biological hazard in them. So I will have your computer available for pickup this afternoon.”

    Customer: “So, when will it be fixed?”

    Me: “I do apologize for the inconvenience, but we are unable to work on computers with this type of issue due to health regulations.”

    Customer: “This is why I didn’t tell you guys that it got p***** on! F*** you! I’m going to talk to your manager and get you fired!”

    (Two days later, my manager informed me that the customer had yelled at him when she picked up the computer. She then called home office to try to get us in trouble for discriminating against her when he wouldn’t order me to fix the computer.)

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 7

    | CA, USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Coworker: “Hey, my start bar is going crazy, and my keyboard won’t respond.”

    Me: “Pick up your cell phone.”

    Coworker: “That worked! Was the radiation interfering with the computer?”

    Me: “No, it was sitting on your space bar.”

    Related:
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 6
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 5
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 4

    Not Even Remotely Close

    | ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (My customer needs help setting up a 3rd party recording device, so I spend a few minutes explaining where the connections need to go. Then he asks for help programming our remote to control his 3rd party equipment.)

    Me: “Okay, we’re almost ready to program it now! We just need one more piece of information. Can you find the manufacturer of your recorder for me?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, it’s a Hitachi.”

    Me: “Excellent! Let’s see what the code is for Hitachi then. Give me one moment.”

    Customer: “Did you need me to spell it for you?”

    Me: “Well, you said it’s a Hitachi, right?”

    Customer: “Yeah. But it’s spelled with a ‘B’.”

    Me: “Sorry, did you say a ‘B’, as in bravo?”

    Customer: “Yeah! It says T-O-S-H-I-B-A, Hitachi!”

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