The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…
Customer: “Excuse me!”
Me: “Yes, ma’am?”
Customer: “I want to return this laptop I bought from you yesterday.”
Me: “Oh really? Why? Is there a problem with it?”
Customer: “Yes there is! It has witchcraft in it!”
Customer: “Yes! When I tried to install a program on it, it said it was starting a wizard. Wizards and witchcraft are evil! I don’t know why you would sell such things at a store like this!”
Me: “Ma’am, a ‘wizard’ on a computer is just the name of the program that helps the install process, it makes it quick so that it is like magic, hence the name ‘wizard’.”
Customer: “I don’t care about your make believe hull-a-b-loo religion! It goes against my beliefs to have anything to do with that type of thing! Now give me my refund so I can be out of this evil place!”
Me: “Sure ma’am, this way.”
Me: “Thank you for calling customer service. My name is [name]. How can I help you today?”
Elderly Customer: “Are you a person? A real live person?”
Me: “Yes ma’am, I certainly am.”
Elderly Customer: “I got a person! I GOT A PERSON! Oh my goodness, I got a real person!”
Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I assist you?”
Caller: “Well, first of all, you can get a real life person on the line.”
Me: “I’m sorry? Sir, I can assure you, I am an actual person.”
Caller: “No, no, no! Don’t play that crap with me. I know how advanced you machines are getting these days. You–”
Me: “Sir, I promise you, I am not a machine.”
Caller: “See! You couldn’t even tell the right place to start talking! That, and that pause before you responded is all I needed to hear to know for sure. Yeah, that’s right! I know how to read you things. What do you have to say to that, you worthless box of microchips?”
Me: *long pause* “Beep?”
Customer: “I hear you are the go-to girl for computer problems.”
Me: “Yes, I am.” (I scoot over to the computer.) “What’s the problem?”
Customer: “I can’t remember my password.”
Me: “I don’t know your password.”
Customer: “So they lied when they told me you knew everything about the computers?”
(I’m working with a caller on a bug they’ve found on our website.)
Me: "Okay, I need to know what Internet browser you’re working on. Internet Explorer? Firefox?"
Caller: "I’m using Firefox."
Me: "Great, now do you know what version of Firefox you’re using?"
Caller: "Yes, I’m using version 12" *note: the highest version of Firefox is currently 3.6*
Me: *jokingly* "Firefox 12? That must mean you’re from the future! Wow! What’s the new Firefox like? In my time, we only have version 3.6."
Caller: "It’s pretty nice, I guess."
Me: *still jokingly* "Do you have hover-cars yet?"
Me: "Sorry, that was a joke. What I want you to do is email me a screen capture of the bug you’re experiencing, as well as of the specific version of Firefox you’re using. I can give you instructions on how to do so."
(30 minutes later I receive an email with the screen captures. Turns out she was using Internet Explorer 7.)