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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Up And Down Is Not Right

    | Thornton, CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I do tech support for a satellite TV company. Often, troubleshooting requires that we walk customers through various menus to reset or fix certain settings. All of these are navigated by the remote, and the agents would walk the customer through each and every screen with detailed directions. I have been on the phone with a caller for an hour and a half.)

    Me: “…and so, sir, I need you to push the left arrow on your remote until the dial all the way on the left of your screen is highlighted.”

    Caller: “It’s not working.”

    Me: “Well, that’s strange. Let’s back out one step and try it again. Go ahead and select the third option on the list. Now, once you’re in this next screen, press the left arrow button four times.”

    (This continues for some time, with the customer telling me various and strange results that he should not have gotten following the directions.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Now, select the third option. Push the left arrow button once. What do you see highlighted in yellow?”

    Caller: “It says ‘satellite feed’.”

    Me: “That’s the button above the default. Sir, which button are you pushing? We need to go to the left of the screen.”

    Caller: “Wait, did you mean left as in ‘left and right’, or left as in ‘up and down’?”

    Me: *pause* “Left as in ‘left and right’, sir.”

    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 7

    | KY, USA | Technology

    (I am taking tech support calls for a satellite TV company.)

    Me: “Thank you, sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “My remote isn’t working.”

    Me: “I apologize for that trouble, but I am happy to help. Lets reprogram the remote, okay?”

    Customer: “Okay, how do I do that?”

    Me: *I proceed to explain the steps to program the remote* “Now, use the number buttons on the remote to put in the code 02258.”

    (The next thing I hear are loud tones coming from the buttons on the phone in my ear. I can hear the customer is not talking into the phone, which leads me to believe he is talking into the remote.)

    Customer: “Okay, I did that.”

    (He asks if I am there a few times, before realizing he isn’t talking into the phone.)

    Customer: *into the phone this time* “Okay, I did that.”

    Me: “Thank you, sir. That was good practice. Now let’s do that again, but this time with the remote control…”

    Related:
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 6
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 5
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 4
    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 3

    Insulated From Logic

    | NH, USA | Technology

    (A customer has called our support line because his computer won’t turn on. After 30 minutes of basic troubleshooting I recommend he either bring his machine to us or have a tech dispatched for an on site repair. He chooses to have a tech dispatched. As I am finishing the call…)

    Customer: “Oh, one last question. Can the tech work on my computer around the cooler, or do I have to remove it before he gets here?”

    Me: “We generally advise that you don’t do anything like that yourself, since you would be voiding your warranty. If anything needs to be removed from the computer the tech will do it himself.”

    Customer: “I know that. I was asking if I should remove the computer from the cooler.”

    Me: “Remove the computer?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Should I take it out of the cooler?”

    Me: “Your computer is in a cooler? Like, the kind of cooler you take to a beach to keep your drinks cold? That kind of cooler?”

    Customer: “Exactly.”

    Me: “Why is your computer in a cooler, sir?”

    Customer: “A few days ago I read that heat can be really bad for a computer. My living room gets really hot in the afternoon, so I put the computer in a cooler to protect it from the heat.”

    Me: “Sir, you know that coolers are insulated, right?”

    Customer: “I’m not stupid. I know what a cooler is.”

    Me: “And you know that computers produce heat, right?”

    Customer: “Like I said, I’m not stupid!”

    Me: “Then you know what happens when you put something that produces heat inside of an insulated container, right?”

    Customer: “I, uh, oh…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “This is going to be expensive, isn’t it?”

    How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line, Part 2

    | Oak Ridge, TN, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    Caller: “Yes, I would like you to send me a new modem. This one you sent me is possessed.”

    Me: “…Possessed, ma’am? What makes you say that?”

    Caller: “I turn the lights out, and the beast stares at me with the eyes of Lucifer!”

    (The modem she is using has two lights on the front. When the modem is powered on but not connected to anything, the lights blink red.)

    Me: “Does the modem ever seem to calm down at all, ma’am? Or is it always angry?”

    Caller: “It only gets angry when I unplug it at night, but I have to unplug it so it doesn’t bring other demons! I can’t leave it connected when I’m not watching it!”

    (I spent a good 15 minutes with this lady, who was always very kind, explaining that the lights were only status indicators. She insisted the modem was possessed, and I eventually sent her a new modem with blue lights instead.)

    Related:
    How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

    Inconsiderate People Never Take Stock Of Other Customers

    | London, UK | Awesome Customers, Technology

    (We sell printer ink cartridges. As we don’t have the space to display them all, we place dummy cards which have the name and price on them. They all have a ‘subject to availability’ sticker on them).

    Customer #1: “Just these two.” *places dummy cards*

    Me: “I’m afraid we’re out of stock on one, sir. Would you like us to order you one?”

    Customer #1: “No.”

    (I proceed to scan the one.)

    Me: “Your total is £15, please.”

    Customer #1: “But what about the other one?”

    Me: “As I said, we are unfortunately out of stock.”

    Customer #1: “Now you listen here! I have, selflessly come in MY OWN time. I have come to YOUR store. Now GET me my INK!”

    Me: “I don’t know what I can do for you, sir. We haven’t got it.”

    Customer #1: “Well, I’m not moving until I have that ink!”

    (He smiles and crosses his arms, keeping eye contact with me. By now, a line has formed behind him.)

    Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave, sir.”

    (The customer doesn’t speak and continues to stand there. Suddenly, another customer behind him grabs him by the scruff of his neck and turns him around.)

    Customer #2: “May I suggest you selflessly go f*** yourself?!”

    Customer #1: *goes red and quickly darts for the door*


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