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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Please Enroll Me In Serviceless Service

    | England, UK | Technology

    (I work in a mobile phone store. An elderly customer comes in with a slider handset and holds it up so I can see the screen.)

    Customer: “What’s that little red arrow mean on my phone?”

    Me: “It means you missed a call, sir. If you hold down the green button for a moment, it’ll show you who called you so you can try and call them back.”

    Customer: “Oh, and the yellow box?”

    Me: “That means someone sent you a message, sir.”

    Customer: “Get rid of it please. I don’t do messages. I only call people.”

    (I oblige, clearing the message and missed call notification from his phone.)

    Customer: “I think my voicemail’s broken, too. People keep saying they’ve tried to call me but I don’t get a message.”

    Me: “Let’s see if I can find out why.”

    (I call voicemail from his handset and the automatic lady runs through three or four blank voice messages. They’re the kind one gets if the called reaches the voice mail system and then hangs up before leaving a message.)

    Me: “All right, sir, it seems people are getting to the voicemail and then just not leaving you a message.”

    Customer: “That’s bollocks. My friend says he always leaves a message for me.”

    Me: “Well, let me check, just in case.”

    (I call his phone from my own, let it go to voicemail, then record a quick test message and hang up. Sure enough, when I check the voicemail on his phone, I’m there clear as day, with the full message I left.)

    Me: “Sounds like it’s working fine, sir. Perhaps he just hung up too soon?”

    Customer: “No, I know him. He’s not that thick. I know it’s got to be your service!”

    (After about a half hour of testing the service with coworker’s phones calling his, some on other networks, the problem fails to come up again. We all manage to leave messages without fault.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but I think your friend’s phone or service has to be the issue here, because your voicemail is working fine.”

    Customer: “Are you calling him stupid? I’ll bring him down here. You’ll regret it then! He’s ex-navy!”

    Me: “I’m just trying to help sir, there’s no need for threats. As far as I can tell your, voicemail is absolutely fine.”

    Customer: “Well, how do I turn it off? I never check it anyway!”

    This Channel Will Self-Destruct In 10 Commercials

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Technology

    (This customer has a problem with his remote control. I help him reprogram it and everything is working just fine now.)

    Me: “Well, sir, it looks like we got everything working. If you do ever have a problem with your remote control, we do have instructions on how to program them on our website.”

    Customer: “Thank you. I am a little worried about breaking this thing though.”

    Me: “Don’t worry, through normal use, you shouldn’t have a problem.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Just don’t hit the self destruct button and you’ll be fine.”

    (There is a long moment of silence.)

    Customer: “Um, I can’t find the self destruct button.”

    Password Reset In Just $ Steps

    | Michigan, USA | Technology

    (A customer calls and needs a password reset. I reset it and the password has upper and lower case letters and a number in it.)

    Me: “Okay, I have a new password for you.”

    (I spell out the password for the customer to write down.)

    Customer: “Thanks. Is the 4 capital, too?”

    Related:
    As Easy As !-@-#

    Tech Support: 5000 B.C.

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Here is the number. Do you have a pen?”

    Customer: “No, I’ve never used one before…”

    Why Tech Support Needs Hazard Pay

    , | Alberta, Canada | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (We don’t have a tech support team of any kind at our store. However, since I have my certifications to do, I often perform simple repairs for customers if it’s not busy. On this particular day, a gentleman walks into the store with his laptop looking panicky.)

    Customer: “Hey, can you fix my computer?”

    Me: “I suppose. What seems to be happening?”

    Customer: “I can’t back up my iPhone. I keep getting an error message.”

    Me: “I’ll have a look for you.”

    (I turn on the laptop, plug in his phone and get an error message saying that there isn’t enough drive space. He has 16.8MB of space left on a 500GB drive. I check to see what’s clogging up all his drive space and find that almost EVERY file on his drive is very strange, deviant pornography.)

    Me: “Sir…your hard drive is full of porn.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “That’s why you can’t back up your iPhone. You don’t have enough room.”

    Customer: “I’m not sure I follow.”

    Me: “Sir, you have too much porn on your hard drive. If you delete some of it, you’ll have enough room for the files on your iPhone.”

    Customer: *beginning to panic even further* “But I can’t delete it! I need it! I NEED IT ALL!”

    Me: “Um, okay…” *I grab a USB drive off the shelf* “This is a flash drive. You can move some of your files on to it and then you’ll have room to back up your iPhone.”

    Customer: “Can you show me how? I’m not good with this tech stuff.”

    (I ring the flash drive through the till. He pays for it and I move a bunch of his files over to the thumb drive.)

    Me: “There you go, sir. Now you can back up your iPhone.”

    Customer: “Thank you. Um, can I get a few more of those flash…thingies?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (He grabs four more 16GB drives, pays for them, and hurriedly leaves the store.)


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