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  • Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    You’ll Need A Brake After This

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

    (A customer has had one of our cars for three days, when he calls our customer service number.)

    Customer: “The car is stuck in park. No matter what I do, it will not go out of park. I’m trying pretty hard, but I don’t want to break the gear shift.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that; let’s take a look at this and see what we can do. Are you able to start the car at all?”

    Customer: “Yes the car starts just fine, and everything works. It just won’t move.”

    Me: “Are there any indicator lights on?”

    Customer: “All of them come on when you start the car.”

    Me: “Okay, go ahead and put your foot on the break, flush to the floor.”

    Customer: “What? What is that? What do you mean?”

    Me: “The brake pedal. Go ahead and push that down, and then shift into reverse.”

    Customer: “I still don’t know what you mean.”

    Me: “The pedal next to the accelerator. Push that down.”

    Customer: “It worked! Thank you so much; I thought I was going to be stuck here!”

    The Machine Runs On Punch-Lines Of Code

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology

    (I am working the self-scans, bagging a customer’s groceries. The customer puts two small plastic containers filled with olives on the belt. The self-scan is programmed not only to mention the price of an item, but also to weigh some items, and let people know if their item should be placed on the belt or not.)

    Self-Scan Machine: “Please take your item to the bagging area.”

    (The customer puts both containers on the belt instead of taking it to the bagging area, and watches as the belt doesn’t move.)

    Self-Scan Machine: “Please take your item to the bagging area.”

    (The customer puts her hand on both containers and instead of picking them up and giving them to me, she pushes them down the belt causing the self-scan to freeze.)

    Self-Scan Machine: “Please stand by. Help is on the way.”

    (The customer turns to me.)

    Customer: “Why do you need to help me?”

    Me: “Because you pushed your olives down the belt. You never have to put these on the belt. Just bring them to me so I can bag them.”

    Customer: “Oh! When the machine told me to bring these items straight down, I actually had to do it? I didn’t have to put them on the belt at all?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I thought this machine was just joking with me.”

    Life Needs An Undo Button

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at an online backup company. Our pricing is based on what storage amounts are used. You can get a free small account and upgrade to a paid account with more space later.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [name of business], this is [my name] speaking. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, hi, I needed to wipe my hard drive. I got a free account, but it wasn’t enough space. I paid to upgrade and then wiped my drive. Where is all my backed up stuff?!”

    Me: “When you upgraded the account, did you try to back up again so it would upload whatever didn’t fit before?”

    Caller: “No, it didn’t say I needed to do that! I just paid for the extra space this morning! You mean I lost all of my stuff?”

    Me: “Well, if you ran out of space, and then paid for more space, but didn’t back anything up, then all we’d have is what you backed up before.”

    Caller: “So, you’re basically saying I’m an idiot, then?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Like His Pond, His Argument Is Shallow

    | UK | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    (I work tech support for a manufacturer of pond equipment. My job is supposed to be explaining tech, and helping fix faults for our customers.)

    Customer: “Yeah… so, I have one of your outdoor pond pumps, but it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Well, actually I just don’t have the instructions for it, so I don’t know how to make it work. I know it’s self-cleaning, but I don’t know how to make it work.”

    (This is strange, as all products come with instructions. Also, though we do have self-cleaning pumps, they cost thousands of pounds. As a result, they are rarely used by the general public.)

    Me: “What model is it? Maybe I can email you our electronic copy.”

    Customer: “Thanks, man. It’s [four-year-old model number].”

    Me: “Okay, I’m sending you a copy of those instructions now. However, I should warn you that it’s not self-cleaning. It is, however, easy clean.”

    Customer: “What?! I only bought it because it was self-cleaning!”

    Me: “Well, easy clean is better than nothing, and it is a good pump. What did you have before?”

    Customer: “I had [five-year-old pump].”

    Me: “That’s still a good upgrade; let me know when you have the instructions.”

    (There is a pause as the customer checks his email.)

    Customer: “You screwed up man; this picture is all wrong!”

    Me: “Those are the instructions for [four-year-old model]. If it doesn’t look like that; you must have a different pump.”

    Customer: “No, man! The guy I bought it from said it was [four-year-old pump].”

    Me: “Who did you buy it from?”

    Customer: “Some guy online!”

    Me: “Do you think that maybe he lied?”

    (A lot of cursing ensues. Eventually, he starts describing the product. I quickly recognize it as a very old product of ours.)

    Me: “I think I know what you have, sir. It’s actually a [10-year-old product]. Let me just send you the instructions.”

    Customer: “That’s it, man! Is that one self-cleaning too?”

    Me: “Sir, that one’s not even easy clean. You’ve just significantly downgraded your system.”

    Customer: “S*** man! This is bull-s***! What the h*** am I supposed to do with this s***?!”

    Me: “If I were you, sir, I’d look into getting your money back from the seller you purchased your pump from. I’d also reinstall your old pump into your pond.”

    Customer: “F*** that s***! Give me my f****** money back! It’s your pump! You f****** fix it!”

    Me: “Sir, I work technical support for the manufacturer of that pump. We haven’t made them in years, and we haven’t sold them in years. You did not buy it from us, nor do you have any kind of guarantee with us. If you had come to a store for your needs, rather than under-cutting us all by going online for the cheapest deal, we could have told you exactly what you were buying. Instead, you bought an unknown product from an unknown source, with no protection or research. That is entirely on you, buddy. It is not my fault.”

    (There is a long pause before the line goes dead.)

    He’s Not Taking Lying, Lying Down

    | Norway | Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I work as a second line support, mostly dealing with emails from clients. One client is so nasty to my first line phone-support coworker, that she just cannot deal with him anymore. She begs me to take the call.)

    Me: “Hi, this is [name]. I was told you had some questions about the legal binding of your contract, and therefore you were transferred to me. Would you please clarify what the issue is here?”

    Client: “THIS F****** CHICK ON THE PHONE SAID THERE WOULD BE A F****** FEE IF I CHANGE MY PHONE PROVIDER! SHE’S F****** LYING! I WAS NEVER INFORMED THAT THIS—”

    (He trails off and just screams profanities. I remain silent until he finally calms down.)

    Client: “…um, hello?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am still here. However, as we will not be able to resolve anything while you are screaming at me, I figured I’d wait until you were finished. Anyway, from what I’ve gathered, you are upset that cancelling your contract will result in a cancellation fee?”

    Client: “YES! I already changed provider, and you guys sent me the bill! I WAS NOT INFORMED!”

    Me: “Well, sir, did you receive your information text? It can sometimes be hard to get all the information from—”

    Client: “I DID NOT GET A TEXT! I WAS NOT INFORMED!”

    (I decide to pull up his actual contract, to check what information he actually received. I go quiet for a bit.)

    Client: “…um, hello?”

    Me: “Sir, I just pulled up your contract here. You are one of our few clients who actually got your contract from one of our sales reps, on paper. Normally, they are given electronically over email or text. But you got the full contract, complete with all the information about our terms, on paper. You wrote down your details yourself, and signed it. How were you not informed?”

    Client: “It did not say there were a cancellation fee!”

    Me: “Yes, it does. Right under where you put down the phone numbers you wanted the agreement for. Where it also says how long you have to stay with us before you can change provider without the fee.”

    Client: “But… I didn’t agree with that!”

    Me: “You filled out the contract, checked of the box that said you had read, understood, and agreed to our terms of agreement, and signed the document.”

    Client: “But… I didn’t read the terms of agreement!”

    Me: “But you signed that you did.”

    Client: “Well… but… You people should know that I was lying! I AM NOT PAYING THIS STUPID BILL!” *hangs up*

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