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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    The ‘E’ Stands For Evil

    | USA | Books & Reading, Technology

    (I work for the USPS help line. It’s 6:30 am, and the Postmaster General has just announced that they are cutting delivery of regular mail to five days per week, and packages to six.)

    Me: “This is [post office]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I was listening to the radio station in Cleveland. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME USE EMAIL?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “The radio in Cleveland says that this Saturday, all mail is getting thrown out and you aren’t going to deliver mail no more!”

    Me: “Well, sir, that isn’t what—”

    Customer: “They said it’s because all us old folk have to use EMAIL! I’m 75 years old and I can’t use email! It’s not fair!”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you that mail WILL be delivered, so you don’t only have to use email.”

    Customer: “GOOD! The people who died for their country on the Pony Express want you to know how disappointed they are that you use email!”

    Me: “Thanks for the input, sir.”

    Not So Smart-Phone, Part 8

    | Holland, MI, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

    (A customer walks in with his prepaid cell phone and a phone card, clearly used.)

    Me: “Hi! Something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I just bought this card, and now my phone isn’t working!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Can I take a look at it?”

    (He hands the phone over. After a few moments, I realize his SIM card is outdated and he’ll have to get a new phone.)

    Me: “How long have you had this phone?”

    Customer: “Probably about four years. I thought they made them to last longer than this!”

    Me: “Well unfortunately, you’ll need a new SIM card. It’s an easy enough fix, and you’ll keep your minutes and phone number. You just have to give them a call and they’ll send you a new one, free of charge.”

    Customer: “How long will that take?”

    Me: “Three to five business days.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous! That b**** who added this card screwed it up! I want a refund!”

    Me: “Give me just a minute.”

    (I call the phone company and confirm that the minutes that were added went through fine. It is simply the technology of the old SIM is outdated.)

    Me: “Sir, the minutes were added without a problem. It’s just a SIM card that’s causing an issue; that’s all.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe this! I demand a refund on these minutes, right now! Where’s your manager?”

    (I find a manager and explain the situation. She comes over with me.)

    Manager: “I heard you were having some issues with your phone. How can I help?”

    Customer: “By giving me a d*** refund on these minutes, that’s how!”

    Manager: “So you want the minutes refunded.”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Manager: “The minutes that are still clearly added to your phone.”

    Customer: “…yes.”

    Manager: “So the nice woman who helped you out did her job at the time.”

    Customer: “Yeah, well, I still want that b**** fired!”

    Manager: “That’s not going to happen, sir. In the meantime, please do as this young lady told you to get your phone fixed. That’s the most we can do at this time.”

    (He stares us both down for a minute before storming out.)

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 7
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 6
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 5
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 4

    Space-Time Is Money

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (A customer enters, walks to the middle of the store, and starts looking around.)

    Me: “You look lost.”

    Customer: “Where’s your time machine?”

    Me: “…sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Don’t you guys have a time machine?”

    Me: *laughing* “I kind of wish we did.”

    Customer: “That’s weird that you don’t have one.”

    (There is a pause.)

    Customer: “Wait, what did I say?”

    Me: “You asked for a time machine.”

    Customer: “Oh, God, I meant an ATM machine.”

    Me: “Yup, right over here.”

    Customer: “Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

    Me: “It’s alright, you made my day. Good luck finding the time machine!”

    RPG = Really Pretentious Gamer

    | PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology

    (It’s a slow day, and there are only two customers in the store. One of the customers, a friend of mine who’s 21, but looks like a high-schooler, comes to the counter with a copy of ‘Halo 4′.)

    Friend: “I’d like to buy this, please.”

    (Suddenly, the other customer, a guy in his mid-20s, runs up and attempts to rip the game out of my friend’s hands. My friend manages to leap back in time.)

    Friend: “Hey, man! What is your problem?”

    Customer: “What the f*** are you doing buying that s***? Little whiny b***y kids like you shouldn’t even be touching this!”

    Friend: “I’m 21, and even then you could just say that, and not try to grab it from me!”

    Customer: “Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be supporting Microsoft anyway! They’re fascist f***s ruining the industry with their generic frat boy s***! It’s a**-holes like you who only encourage them!”

    Me: “Okay, that’s enough! If you’re going to continue insulting my friend or his gaming preferences, I’m going to ask you to leave the store.”

    Customer: “Hmph! That a**-hole is no gamer! Real gamers play RPGs, not shallow generic First Person Shooters! I would’ve smashed that s*** and laughed in his face!”

    (As he storms out, he gives one last parting shot.)

    Customer: “When the second crash occurs, it’ll be on your hands!”

    This Call Is Not Open And Shut

    | Nacka, Sweden | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a large home electronics store. We don’t offer any kind of technical support, but you can call us and ask for prices, opening hours, etc. I answer a call.)

    Caller: “I bought a notebook, and a mobile broadband, and I was told I could always call if I had any problems.”

    Me: “Okay”.

    Caller: “Well, I was wondering: how do you open it?”

    Me: “Well, usually there’s a button on the front that you push to open it. Some models are closed by magnets, and in that case you just have to—you—know, open it.”

    Caller: “I don’t see any button. Is it on the side?”

    Me: “No, it’s probably on the front. Sometimes, it’s not a button, but a slider.”

    (This goes on for some time, before I figure out what the customer actually means.)

    Me: “So what you’re really wondering is how to start it?”

    Caller: “I don’t know; maybe that’s what it’s called? I just want to figure out how to get it open and going.”

    Me: “There will be a button somewhere above the keyboard that looks like a ring with a line through it.”

    Caller: “Oh, that’s great. Thanks. Next question: how do I close it?”

    Me: “You mean shut it down? When it’s on, you click on the start menu, and then click shut-down.”

    Caller: “Start menu? How do you mean?”

    Me: “You know, the main menu—the one where you always click to do things—the one where the applications and other things are.”

    Caller: “I don’t see any start menu.”

    Me: “Well, anyhow, there’s a button in the bottom left corner and if you click it, you’ll find the shut down button.”

    Caller: “Okay… I also have problems using this mobile broadband. I have connected it to the computer, and I can’t manage to get it connected to the internet.”

    (It has already been 10 minutes, and I have gone far above the kind of services we offer.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but all of these are support questions. For further questions, I recommend you call the manufacturer.”

    Caller: “I have to call them? Why?”

    Me: “We’re only a store. I’m a salesman, and we only sell products here. The manufacturers provide support for their products.”

    Caller: “What? But, if you get a problem with a product, then you call the store!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that’s not how you get support. We only sell products. Support is provided by the manufacturers. Their number is most certainly somewhere in the manual that came with your computer.”

    Caller: “I have this thing… a mouse. Can that have anything to do with my problems?”

    Me: “Ehm…”

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