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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Online Store, Meet Offline Brain, Part 2

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | Money, Technology

    Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in stock. I can order it for you, though.”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t do that ordering stuff. I don’t give my credit card information out under any circumstances.”

    Me: “Well, we process the orders through a register, so it’s actually just like making a regular purchase.”

    Customer: “I already told you, no! I don’t do that ordering stuff! I’ll just get it online. That’s all!”

    Me: “But buying it online IS ordering. You’re giving your credit card information out.”

    Customer: *pats my shoulder* “Oh, dear, it’s totally different. You have so much to learn, don’t you? Now, have a nice day!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Related:
    Online Store, Meet Offline Brain

    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 9

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name and location]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was wondering what time you closed? I need to bring in my computer monitor and exchange it for a new one.”

    Me: “We close at nine. If you don’t mind my asking, why do you need to exchange yours, ma’am? I may be able to help and save you the trip.”

    Customer: “Well, I saw that you all sold those wireless monitors and was going to get one but they’re so expensive. So I just decided to make mine a wireless one instead. But I guess I must have done it wrong because now it won’t work.”

    Me: “You… tried to make your monitor into a wireless one? How?”

    Customer: “Oh, I just cut the cord that was dangling out of it. Like I said, I must have cut it wrong though. So I need a new one.”

    Me: “I… see. Well, um, ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, but, well, I can’t just give you a new monitor because you destroyed your old one.”

    Customer: “Really? Well. We’ll just see about that, won’t we? I’m going to come in and speak to your manager. Then we’ll see who does what for whom!”

    (She came in with her self-destroyed monitor, and no, she didn’t get a new one!)

    Related:
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 8
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 7
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 6
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless

    An Ink-ling That They’ve Been Cell-eeping Around

    | Saginaw, MI, USA | Love/Romance, Technology

    Customer: “Hey man, you do printers? I got this printer here. It doesn’t work, doesn’t print, doesn’t take paper, and just says ‘carriage jam.’ How much you tryin’ to charge me here?”

    Me: “Whoa, hold on. Let’s take a look. It’s usually just a piece of paper in there. No big deal.”

    (I plug the printer in, load up some scrap paper to test it on, and hit the copy button. It makes a makes a horrible grinding noise and shakes so hard the front panel pops open.)

    Me: “Okay, that’s not a piece of paper. Any idea what happened?”

    Customer: “No, man. I was just printing… uh… pictures, man… just nothing for work, you know?”

    (I open all the access doors and start pushing against the rollers. I see a gray object with a headphone jack and a screen on it stuck way down into the mechanism.)

    Me: “Sir, have you lost a cell phone recently?”

    Customer: “No, man. It’s not a cell phone. It’s a printer, man. PRIN-TER.”

    Me: “No, I know. It’s just… you seem to have a cellphone stuck down in there.”

    I turn the printer around and show the customer. I eventually get his cellphone out, and as I go to print his receipt and he powers up his phone. Suddenly, the customer starts screaming, scaring everyone in the store.)

    Customer: “That b****! F***ing w****! It’s HIS phone!” *breaks the phone*

    (The customer gets a grip on himself and manages to pay his bill.)

    Customer: “Knew it! F***ing knew it!” *walks out the store, minus his printer or cellphone*

    A Resistance To Watt’s Current In Science

    | Texas, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (A customer comes into my store to return an analog multimeter.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I want to return this meter.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Do you have your receipt?”

    (She gives me her receipt and I check it.)

    Me: “Everything seems to be in order. Why are you returning this today?”

    Customer: “This meter doesn’t detect electro-pulses in the air. Computers and stuff can cause currents to run through your bed, and it causes cancer. I wanted to measure the currents running through my house and bed.”

    (Multimeters can be used to measure current, voltage, and resistance, but this specific one can’t measure currents in the air.)

    Me: “It’s true that this device can’t measure currents in the air. However, you do know it’s literally impossible to avoid being bombarded by electromagnetic waves, right? You are more likely to win the lottery than die from over-exposure to electromagnetic waves. You don’t have to worry about that.”

    Customer: “That is EXACTLY what the government wants you to believe! Look it up online if you don’t believe me! Children are especially affected by them. It causes cancer and all sorts of other sicknesses. I can even sense them in the air now!”

    Me: “Well, you are in an electronics store after all. But if you could sense these waves, why do you need a multimeter in the first place?”

    Customer: “I am not crazy!” *storms out of the store*

    Who Wants To Call Out The Answer

    | Poole, UK | Technology

    (A customer calls to inquire about location services/maps on his smartphone.)

    Customer: “So, how do I get it to tell me where to go?”

    Me: “Well, it’s Google Maps, so it’ll show your location, but it won’t give your step-by-step instructions as you drive or walk.

    Customer: “So, what, you’re saying there’s no satellite navigation on the phone?”

    Me: “No, sorry!”

    Customer: “Then what’s the point of a phone?!”


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