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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    She Uses The Google, Part 3

    | Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling the [Company] Festival. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God! I need help! Your website is terrible. I can’t do anything on it! All I want to do is book my damn tickets. This is f***ing disgusting.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble! I can help you book your seats. What show are you interested in?”

    Caller: “I just can’t do anything on it. I can’t even find the calendar. You really need to be more accessible. This is the worst website I have ever seen! Who the h*** made this trash?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, miss. If you are having this much trouble, I would be more than happy to help you order over the phone. It will only take a—”

    Caller: “NO!”

    Me: “No?”

    Caller: “Tell me how to do this. I’m not a stupid old crone.”

    Me: “Sure! I can guide you through the process. Are you on our website at this moment?”

    Caller: “Of course I’m f***ing on your website!”

    Me: “Okay, then. The first thing I want you to do is login. I can create a temporary username and password on this end for you to use.”

    Caller: “Login?”

    Me: “At the very top of the page it should say ‘Welcome, please login.’ I want you to click that message.”

    Caller: “I don’t see it.”

    Me: “It should be in big bold red letters, right above our logo.”

    Caller: “Don’t be stupid. All it says is ‘Google!’”

    (As you can imagine, the call went on for quite some time before I finally convinced her to let me book her order over the phone!)

    Related:
    He Uses The Google
    He Wants The Google
    She Uses The Google, Part 2
    She Uses The Google

    In Defence Of Common Sense

    | Canada | Money, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Yeah, this phone still powers on, but the flip part of the screen has been ripped off. Can you pull the contacts off and put them on my new phone? I’m not a customer with your company though.”

    Me: “That’s okay. Well, sometimes if the device is still operational I might be able to access the contacts transfer even without the screen. I’ll try my best.”

    Customer: “I NEED these contacts. I’m desperate.”

    Me: “I understand how frustrating this is for you. We charge $15 to do the transfer. But if it doesn’t work, I wont charge you anything at all.”

    Customer: “What? You’re not going to do it for free?”

    Me: “No, sir, I have to charge a fee for my time and services.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! You should do it for free!”

    Me: “Right, and what do you do for a living, sir?”

    Customer: “I make fences.”

    Me: “Awesome! Is it cool if I swing by after work and get you to build me a fence for my puppy who likes to play in my backyard? Of course, I can’t pay you, so can you do it for free?”

    Customer: “What?! No! I don’t work for free.”

    Me: “Yeah, neither do I.”

    Customer: *lightbulb goes on*

    (I transferred his contacts, and yes, he paid the service charge.)

    How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

    | Tennessee, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company name] DSL tech support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My modem bit me.”

    Me: “It… bit you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I went to turn it off and it bit me. And now it’s staring at me every time I try to get back in the room.”

    (The modem has two red lights on the front that are lit solid when everything is working properly. The customer also sounds like they’re not exactly sober, so I decide that giving them a logical response won’t be much help to them.)

    Me: “Alright, what you should do is turn the light on in the room, close the door and go to bed. The modem will stay up all night trying to get to you, but be stuck in the room. By morning it’ll be too exhausted to fight back and you can duct tape it to the desk to keep it in line from now on.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    (The next day, he actually called back to compliment me for solving his problem!)

    And The Nerds Shall Uninstall The Earth

    | Wisconsin, USA | Technology

    (I am on the phone answering a customer’s pre-sales questions about our media production software. She has seemed like an ordinary middle-aged woman so far.)

    Me: “I just looked up the camera model you gave me, and our software should work with it just fine.”

    Customer: “…Should?”

    Me: “Yes. The file type that camera uses is supported by our software.”

    Customer: “Whatever. Will it run on my computer?”

    Me: “Are you running Windows XP?”

    Customer: “No. Windows 7.”

    Me: “Then there shouldn’t be a problem. With Windows 7, you should be fine.”

    Customer: “There’s that ‘should’ again! You need to tell me for sure if this will work or not!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t know enough detail about your system to say anything for sure. That said, everything I’ve heard so far seems fine. You shouldn’t have any trouble.”

    Customer: “No! Don’t say ‘should!’ Why can’t you just tell me if it will work or not? It’s a simple question!”

    Me: “Every computer is different. Even if two people bought identical models off a shelf, just choosing different programs to install would change how each computer runs. You and I can walk through the technical specifications page, compare all the details to your setup, and have a very very good idea if our software will work. But the only way to know for sure is to actually install it and see. That’s why we offer a free trial.”

    Customer: “No! You’re lying! Why would computers be like that? That makes no sense! You should know for sure!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the confusion. Computers are very flexible tools, which is what makes them so hard to predict over the phone. Let’s download the free trial then, to see if—”

    Customer: “That’s not it! I’ll tell you why! It’s revenge! The nerds got so fed up with everything they made computers impossible to use just to spite us! IT’S REVENGE!”

    Related:
    And The Nerds Shall IPO The Earth

    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 10

    | Lafayette, LA, USA | Technology

    Caller: “Somebody is hacking into my modem.”

    Me: “Hacking into your modem?”

    Caller: “Yes, they’re hacking into my modem.”

    Me: “Why do you think somebody is hacking into your modem?”

    Caller: “Because every time they do it, the link light blinks. LOOK! They’re doing it now. Can you see?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can’t see what your modem is doing, but I assure you no one can hack into your modem. The link light flashes to let you know information is being transmitted from your modem to your router or computer. Now, it is possible for someone to hack into your computer. If you’d like to protect your computer, you can download the free antivirus provided with your internet service.”

    Caller: “No, no, no. I can’t do that. I’ve tried it before.”

    Me: “Why can’t you?”

    Caller: “Because every time I try to download antivirus, somebody tries to hack into my computer. So, I have to hurry and unplug it before they can!”

    (This indeed turns out to be true, as I find the following note on her account from a previous call: “Cx states when she tries to download antivirus, a box comes up on her screen saying ‘Downloading Norton’. Cx unplugs her computer quickly because someone is trying to download something on her computer so they can hack into it faster. Not sure what to do!”)

    Related:
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 9
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 8
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 7
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 6
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless


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