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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Acting Like A Print-cess

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer comes in pulling a suitcase on wheels.)

    Customer: “My daughter told me that if I bring in my old computer and my printer, I can trade my computer for an iPad, and you’ll set it up with my printer.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t do trade-ins here, but I can show you how to get the paperwork started online.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, never mind. Just let me buy the iPad, and set up this f****** printer.”

    Me: “Alright, so, just to let you know, we don’t sell this printer here. None of us are going to be trained on it, but I’ll be happy to take a look, and see if we can get it up and running for you.”

    Customer: “No! F*** that, I have lost my patience! I am a member of Mensa! Get me someone intelligent to talk to!”

    Me: “I can get you someone else, but I can tell you, no one else is going to be trained on that printer either. Like I said, I can definitely give it a shot; we may be able to figure it out.”

    Customer: “My daughter is an engineer. She told me you would take this piece of s*** laptop, and help me set the printer up.”

    Me: “And I’m definitely going to do my best to set up the printer, but we don’t have the proper equipment here to recycle your old machine; I’m sorry.”

    (The customer finally agrees. After half an hour, we have the printer up and running with her new iPad. She calms considerably. As she is leaving, she is on the phone to her daughter.)

    Customer: “They got my printer working! And I only used the f-word once!”

    A Customer To Send You Up In (Broken) Arms

    | Berlin, Germany | Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I have a broken hand, and have my arm in a plaster.)

    Me: “Hello this is [name] from IT support. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Hello, I have a problem.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your concern?”

    Customer: “As I said, I have a problem.”

    Me: “Okay, I should be more specific. What is your problem about?”

    Customer: “My computer doesn’t work as it should.”

    Me: “What is it your computer is supposed to do? I mean what program do you want to start, or what you want to do with your computer?”

    Customer: “Are you a moron? I told you my computer doesn’t work. I want you to fix it right now!”

    Me: “I need more inf—”

    Customer: “You’re just being stupid and lazy! You’re a bunch of f****** morons! I will get your a** fired, and I will get it done today!”

    Me: “Please calm down and—”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what I have to do! I want to talk to your manager!”

    (My manager sits in the same office and has heard everything.)

    Manager: “Give her to me.”

    (She takes the call and leaves the room. Some moments pass as my manager talks to her. She comes back crying. I get the customer back on my phone; I’m really mad, as my manager is a friendly person.)

    Customer: “WILL YOU NOW HELP ME, MORON? I NEED MY COMPUTER TOD—”

    Me: “Shut up.”

    Customer: “What!”

    Me: “I’ll give it a last try. If you yell at me, I’ll quit the call, and you will have to fix your computer by yourself, understand?”

    Customer: “Erm… well yes, but—”

    Me: “No ‘buts’. So, what program do you want to use?”

    (From this point on, it’s easy. I get the information I need to take her case, and give it to a team of specialists. After the call my coworker gets my attention.)

    Coworker: “What the h*** did you just do?”

    Me:*looking down* “Oh, yeah. I broke my plaster.”

    Coworker: “You just yelled at a customer, defended our manager, and risked your job, and the only thing you care for is your plaster?”

    Me: “I thought it was a really nice plaster.”

    (This makes my manager smile again, and all my other coworkers laugh. I still work for the company, but now all the angry and rude customers are sent directly to me.)

    From USB Port To Teleport

    | MI, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I am chatting online with a potential customer.)

    Customer: “Hey, I really like this necklace. Can I pay by Paypal?”

    Me: “Absolutely, if you follow the instructions on check out, you can pay and leave your shipping address there. I’ll get it shipped in the morning.”

    Customer: “Do I have to leave an address? Can’t you just email it to me?”

    Me: “Email you for your address?”

    Customer: “No, email me the necklace. I don’t want to give you my address.”

    Me: “You want me to email you the necklace?”

    Customer: “Never mind, cancel it. You’re too much work!”

    Terrified Of Baggage

    | Pueblo, CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “I need help in choosing a vacuum cleaner.”

    Me: “Okay, sure! Let me start by getting an idea of what kind of area you want it for. Do you have hardwood floors, carpets, or both? And do you have pets?”

    Customer: “Well. I’ve already got one picked out, actually. I just have a question about it.”

    (The customer leads me over to one of the floor models, a bag-less cyclone vacuum.)

    Customer: “Does this vacuum need bags?”

    Me: “Nope. It’s a bag-less cyclonic, meaning it collects what the vacuum sucks up into a reusable plastic bin.”

    Customer: “Yes, but does it need bags?”

    Me: “No, it doesn’t.”

    Customer: “But can it take bags?”

    Me: “No. It’s a bag-less. But if you want one with bags, this one over here can—”

    Customer: “Look, all I want to know is if I need to buy bags for it or not! I don’t want to get this stupid thing home and realize it needs something else! Do I, or do I not, need to buy bags?”

    Me: “Ma’am, this vacuum is a bag-less vacuum. It does not take bags, and couldn’t even if you wanted it to.”

    Customer: “Well, can you show me where they are, at least?”

    Me: “Where what are?”

    (The customer points to the same bag-less cyclonic.)

    Customer: “The bags for this vacuum.”

    Me: *facepalm*

    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 17

    | Reston, VA, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Technology

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to get a refund for an item I purchased from your online store.”

    Me: “Sure, I can help with that. Just let me see the item so I can pull it up in our system.”

    Customer: “Well, the item hasn’t arrived yet. It’s still being delivered.”

    Me: “Oh, we won’t be able to issue a refund unless you actually give us something to refund. When the item arrives, bring it back here and we can give you your money back, no problem!”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you won’t give me a freaking refund! This is unacceptable! I bought the item, and you d*** well better give me my money back!”

    Me: “Sir, I understand that you’d like to get your money refunded. Without giving us your item back, it’s like we’re just giving it to you. We can’t give you the money today, only to have you return here a few days later to give us the item back!”

    Customer: “Well, why would I need to return here? I would have already gotten my money back by then!”

    Related:
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 16
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 15
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 14
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 13
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 12

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