Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

My Apple Has No Vegetables

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

Me: “Good morning, this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to talk to [Assistant, who is at lunch].”

Me: “I’m sorry, he is not available at the moment. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: *gives me a very long-winded account of what I assume was an extremely long conversation she had with the assistant the day before* “So I need him to do whatever he was going to do so I can get to my stuff.”

Me: “Okay, if [Assistant] has already discussed this with you then they will know where we are in the process and they can assist you when they return from lunch in about an hour.”

Customer: “So will you ask him to send me an email so I can send him an email back explaining all this?”

Me: “Would you like our email address so you can send him an email? That way he will see it as soon as he gets back and we can get you what you need more quickly.”

Customer: “No. I know your email address, but I just can’t use it.”

Me: “I’m sorry; you cannot use our email address?”

Customer: “Yeah. It doesn’t work or I don’t have all the right buttons or something.”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean when you say you don’t have the right buttons…”

Customer: “I just got a new computer and I don’t think it has a reply button or at least I haven’t found it yet.”

Me: “The reply button should be on the screen when you are logged in to your email, not on the machine itself. What kind of email are you using?”

Customer: “Just regular email.”

Me: “I mean, are you using Gmail, Outlook, Yahoo—”

Customer: “OH. I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, what is your email address? A lot of times the part after the ‘at’ is the type of email.”

Customer: “My email address is CARROT-A-B-C-A WITH A CIRCLE AROUND IT…”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say carrot?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So your address is C-A-R-R…”

Customer: “No. Not spelled out. Just a carrot.”

Me: “Like, the vegetable?”

Customer: “Yes. There is a carrot at the beginning and at the end.”

Me: “I have never heard of a carrot in an email address. Could it possibly be a V or another symbol?”

Customer: “No. I know what the letter V looks like!”

Me: “Okay, but I cannot send you an email to an address with ‘carrots’ in it because there is no key that I can hit to make a carrot show up in the address bar.”

Customer: “So your computer doesn’t have all the buttons either, huh?”

Me: “No, ma’am, my computer does not have a carrot button.”

Customer: “Well, then I guess I’ll just have to call back and talk to [Assistant].”

Me: “That sounds good. Have a nice day.”

(Later, as I was telling this story to the assistant, I pulled up an email that we had sent to this customer and figured out what she was talking about. The email address showed up inside < > brackets, which she was referring to as carrots.)

Time Zoned Way Out

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Time

 

(I am on the phone.)

Me: “I sent the instructions to you in an email about half an hour ago; have you received it?”

Customer: “No, but I am in the next time zone, so I will check in another half an hour, at the time you sent it.”

Me: “If you would please check your junk mail or spam folder, just to be sure?”

Customer: “Oh, hey! Look at that! It’s already here!”

Me: “Computers are amazing, aren’t they?”

Customer: “Wow! They sure are! How did it know?! Oh, well, I have it now. I’m gonna open it before it realizes that it sent it early and deletes it.”

Me: “Sounds great.”

God Help Her If She’s Using A Raspberry Pie

| IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology

(I work for a company that deals with online registration for things like marathons, triathlons, little league, etc. Basically any sporting event. A lot of times people have trouble registering because of cookies on their browser.)

Customer: *sounding close to hysterics* “It won’t work! It won’t let me register! I need to get registered for this 5k now!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, let me just see here. It sounds like the reason it won’t go through is because of cookies on your browser. Now, if you’ll go to the—”

Customer: “I don’t have any cookies. I’m diabetic!”

Suddenly Got Personal

| OK, USA | Money, Technology

(A customer calls our copy shop with an order for several large format color copies. The problem is that she absolutely refuses to set foot in the store to submit, pay for, or pick up the order, and she claims that our submission website is not working for her.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, do you have a [Store Name] credit card?”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Perfect! That’s the one type of card I am authorized to take over the phone, so we’ll just have you pay with that. I’ll set up your order from here with the files you emailed, and then give you a call when I’m ready to start the payment process.”

Customer: “Sounds great!”

(I spend two hours and miss my lunch setting up her order with our third-party vendor, which requires me to upload 24 images separately and keep their sizes consistent. Normally I wouldn’t go through the trouble, but the profit on this order was sizeable.)

Me: “Ma’am? We’re ready to start the payment process, all right?”

Customer: “All right, the card number is [number].”

Me: “Okay, the machine is asking for a driver’s license number to verify your identity.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I don’t want to do that. This is a corporate account and I don’t just want to give out my personal information.”

Me: “…I, uh… I don’t really have any other option here, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, well, just cancel the whole order, then! Goodbye!” *click*

O, Canaduh, Part 3

| Montreal, QC, Canada | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

(I am working as cashier with a very long line of customers, on a busy day in downtown Montreal.)

Customer: ”I’m from the US and I’m buying this for my son. He’ll be so happy! Can you gift wrap it?”

Me: ”Absolutely, ma’am. You can insert your card to pay.”’

Interac Machine: ”Beeeep!”

Me: ”Sorry, ma’am, the transaction was cancelled. Can you please insert your card again?”

Interact Machine: ”Beeep!”

Me: ”Sorry, ma’am, I don’t know what is going on. I’m going to do the transaction on the other machine over there.” *customers in line are getting a little nervous*

Customer: ”Well, I don’t understand. It cancels every time I choose CAN for Canadian dollars ”

Me: ”Ma’am… CAN stands for cancel…”

Customer: ”Oh, that’s why! I never would have guessed!”

Related:
O, Canaduh, Part 2
O, Canaduh

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