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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Magic Eye Camera

    | Boston, MA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I speak with a woman about her lost cell-phone, which she left in the store. She is very worried that her identity will be stolen. I take her information in case the phone shows up. She has come back two nights in a row, looking for her phone.)

    Me: “Hi, the phone still hasn’t turned up?”

    Customer: “No, I called loss prevention, and he told me he saw some…” *she does air quotes* “‘activity’ on the security video, but no phone being left or picked up. That is just not good enough for me; I need to know what kind of activity he saw.”

    Me: “Well, sometimes it is hard to focus on exactly what you want because we are only looking at a recording.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t he just move the cameras around and see where I left my phone?”

    Me: “Well, as I said, it is only a recording. We can only see footage of where the camera was focused at the time.”

    Customer: “I know, but why didn’t he just move the camera and tell me where I left my phone?”

    Me: “It occurred in the past; he can’t go back in time and move what the cameras were looking at.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you understand what I am saying.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “Well I am going to be filing a police report; maybe they can see more than your loss prevention person!”

    Mostly Crazy, Not So Good

    | FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store] tech support. This is [my name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. My stopped working. Can I get it replaced free?”

    Me: “When did you purchase it?”

    Caller: “[Date].”

    (I collect his information and locate his purchase and warranty in our database.)

    Me: “You’re still within the 90 day warranty. What seems to be the problem with it?”

    Caller: “We can’t put the game discs in.”

    Me: “You mean some piece of the internal hardware is blocking the disc slot?”

    Caller: “No. Last night we were having a party. My roommate got pretty drunk and thought the [game console] was the toaster, and he shoved a Pop-Tart in the slot. We can’t get it out.”

    Me: “…You have a Pop-Tart stuck in the slot.”

    Caller: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I’m afraid that isn’t covered under the warranty, sir.”

    Caller: “It isn’t?”

    Me: “No. Only manufacturer defects are covered. Damage caused by the customer is not covered.”

    Caller: “S***. I guess I don’t need to ask about the Blu-Ray player, then?”

    Not Just The Computer Making A Loud Noise

    | Mooresville, IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A very angry customer walks into our office.)

    Me: “Hi! What can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “My computer’s broken! Fix it!”

    Me: “I see you didn’t bring it in with you today. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t work!”

    Me: “How is it not working? Can you turn it on, or does nothing happen when you hit the power button? Does it power up, but it might just be slow from a virus?”

    Customer: “You should know this! My monitor doesn’t work! I bought a new monitor, but it doesn’t work! Oh, and my computer is making a loud noise!”

    Me: “I’m thinking it sounds like there may be one of three things wrong with your computer. If you could bring it in, I’ll take a look at it.”

    (From this point on, she screams at me every time she speaks to me.)

    Customer: “YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY COMPUTER! TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I honestly don’t know what’s wrong until you bring it in and let me look at it. Until then, I’m not going to be able to give you the answers you need.”

    Customer: “TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I think the most likely case is that your motherboard has failed. If that’s true, you’ll need to buy a new computer. It also sounds like your power supply may have failed or you might need a new video card. If either of those two are the case, they’re fixable problems.”

    Customer: “TELL ME HOW MUCH A VIDEO CARD COSTS!”

    Me: “How old is your computer?”

    Customer: “IT’S AN ACER!”

    Me: “Ma’am, first things first. I’m going to have to ask you to keep this conversation at a reasonable volume. Secondly, you yelling at me the brand of your computer when I ask for the age doesn’t help me. If you could just bring it in to me—”

    Customer: “YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! I’M NEVER DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU AGAIN!”

    (The woman storms out of the office. I yell back before the door closes.)

    Me: “You never did business with us in the first place!”

    Not A Sound Reason For Calling

    | Spokane, WA, USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Hello! You’ve reached [company] tech support. What can I help you with today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, my phone doesn’t make any sounds. It vibrates when someone calls, but it doesn’t ring or anything.”

    Me: “Hmm… that is kind of strange. I know this is going to sound really obvious, and I apologize for that, but have you tried pressing the volume buttons on the side of the phone?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’ve done that but it doesn’t do anything. Here, I’ll show you…”

    (I hear the sound of his phone beeping.)

    Caller: “SON OF A B****!”

    Makes You Lose CTRL

    | USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (My caller is having an issue with our website that I can’t replicate.)

    Me:“Do you know how to create a screen shot and e-mail it to me? If not, I can walk you through it.”

    Caller: “I have Windows 8. I could make a screen shot on my old computer, but you can’t make one on Windows 8.”

    (As I use Windows 8 myself, I know this isn’t true.)

    Me: “Let’s try and see if we can get it. Do you see the button on your keyboard that says ‘print scr’—”

    Caller: “Honey, I worked as a tech for 10 years. If you want me to hit the Print Screen button, just say so. There!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, I just wanted to make sure you knew where it was, but it sounds like you do. It’s actually alt and the print screen button.”

    Caller: “Fine, now what?”

    (I assume that she really does know a little about computers, considering the offense she took at my previous instructions. Not wanting to upset her, I decide to continue a bit faster.)

    Me: “Okay, now you can paste that into an e-mail for me. Just let me know when you’re ready for my e-mail address.”

    Caller: “I’m ready.”

    (I give her my e-mail address, spelling it out.)

    Me: “I’ll have a look at that screen shot as soon as I get your e-mail, and—”

    Caller: “Well, it won’t do much good for you to get a blank e-mail, will it?”

    Me: “…I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “You didn’t tell me what to do with the screen shot!”

    Me: “Oh, you can just paste it into the e-mail.”

    (I’m about to ask if she knows how to do that ‘on Windows 8′.)

    Caller: “Well, I’m hitting CTRL+P, and it’s not working!”

    Me: “Try CTRL+V instea—”

    Caller: “Never mind! It’s right click, then paste on my computer. I sent it. Let me know when it’s fixed.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I will.”

    (I never did get that e-mail, and had to call her back the next day to repeat the whole process again.)

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