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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    A Capital Offense

    | AL, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Math & Science, Technology

    (A customer calls in requesting a password reset for his account.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll go ahead and reset your password to the default. It will be the last four digits of your social security number, and the four digit year of your birth.”

    Customer: “Okay, those are all capitals, right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, all the letters in your username are capitalized.”

    Customer: “And what did you say my password will be?”

    Me: “It will be the last four digits of your social security number, and the four digit year of your birth.”

    Customer: “And are those capitalized or lowercase?”

    Me: “Well, it will be the last four digits of your social—”

    Customer: “I know that! But are they going to be capitalized or lower case?”

    Me: *gives up* “They’re going to be capitalized numbers, sir.”

    Customer: “Great! Thanks!”

    A Whole New Meaning To Racing Games

    | Stillwater, OK, USA | Bigotry, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I work for a Singapore-based business. We support computer equipment, that often includes a free PC game.)

    Customer: “Do y’all have any games that isn’t about [slur to describe Chinese people] or [slur describing black people]?”

    Coworker: “Um, I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “F****** c****’s and n*****’s! All the games I got from your company have those people in them.”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry you’re disappointed in the free games, but I’m going to have ask you to use more respectful language.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know they make you say that kind of nonsense. You’re going to have to replace these games though. I can’t play a game about those people.”

    Coworker: “Like I said, sir, the games are free. If you’re offended, may I suggest not playing them?”

    (My coworker presses the mute button and talks to the supervisor on duty.)

    Coworker: “Can I disconnect someone for being racist?”

    (The supervisor looks at the picture of my coworker’s very racially diverse family, and then picks up the phone.)

    Supervisor: “Sir, I’m afraid that my c**** and n***** coworkers and I at our c**** company are going to have to ask you to take your racist game needs somewhere else. If you can find a single game anywhere that doesn’t have an Asian or Black person working on it, you are welcome to it. Please don’t call again.” *click*

    Pushing Sales Has Pushed His Luck

    | Reston, VA, USA | Religion, Technology

    (I work in the computing department. We’re pushed to always get protection plans. I have sold a customer a laptop.)

    Me: “Well, just so you know, we do offer [protection plan]. If anything bad happens to the laptop—”

    Customer: “What? What do you mean by something bad?

    Me: “Unfortunately, bad things can happen to computers. There are hundreds of computers in the back that have been destroyed in many different ways. If you get a protection plan, you can get the computer replaced if something bad happens to it on accident.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about? Why are you wishing bad luck on me?”

    Me: “Sir, I wasn’t wishing bad luck on you. I was just offering you an avenue to make sure your investment is protected.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t be threatening me with bad luck! You should wish me good luck. This is bad; this is very bad right here.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not trying to wish you bad luck; I’m just recommending something that many of our customers—”

    Customer: “No, no! This is very bad. You’re wishing bad things to happen to me. I tell you what; I am going to go home, and pray to God that he does bad things to you!”

    Too Fast, Too Furious

    | BC, Canada | One-Liners, Technology

    (A customer calls into our store, and my coworker answers the phone. I’m listening to the conversation.)

    Coworker: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a manual for my cordless phone. Do you sell them at your store?”

    Coworker: “We don’t sell the manuals, unfortunately. You could probably find it online though.”

    Customer: “That will be too much work. Just sell me one of yours!”

    Coworker: “What’s the model number?”

    (My coworker proceeds to look up the manual on a common internet search engine.)

    Coworker: “If you want us to print out a copy of the manual for you, it will be five cents a page. You can pick it up in the store.”

    Customer: “You don’t have the manual!”

    Coworker: “I do, ma’am. I just found it online.”

    Customer: “No, you didn’t. It didn’t take you long enough!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m looking right at it! Would you like us to print you off a copy?”

    Customer: “You don’t have the manual! That was too fast! I can’t believe your lack of customer service!”

    (The customer hangs up.)

    Me: “What just happened?”

    Coworker: “Stupid happened.”

    Sat Too Long On The Hash Key

    | IL, USA | Awesome Customers, Technology, Top

    (I’m manager of the electronic department in a retail store. Though we do not offer tech support, I often give out advice when I can, since I’m pretty tech savvy.)

    Customer: “Hey, you seem to know your stuff; I’ve seen you around. Listen, my cat sat on my laptop the other day, and now I can’t get the track-pad to work. I could use a mouse, but it’s more to carry around and they make my hand hurt.”

    Me: “I can’t be sure, but it sounds like your cat may have just disabled it. Most laptops have a button you can turn it on/off with, and the cat probably pressed it by accident.”

    (I show him on a demo unit what to look for and where it might be. He thanks me, and heads out. I don’t think anything of it until I see him again, about 30 minutes later, with a plastic shopping bag in tow.)

    Customer: “So, I tried to find what you suggested, but I couldn’t figure it out. Do you think you could show me?”

    (I look around nervously, since I’m technically not allowed to perform any services like this. But he already has the laptop out on my counter, and it’s powering up. Since no one is around, I decide to help him out.)

    Me: “Your track-pad was locked. This button right here locks and unlocks it. See the little light that comes on when it’s working?”

    Customer: “Oh man, that’s awesome! I can’t believe it was so simple. Listen, I was ready to spend a lot to get this fixed, but you did it for free! Can I give you this $20 as a tip?”

    Me: “Ah… no. Unfortunately we are not allowed to accept tips. If you’re really insistent that I take it, I’ll have to turn it over to my boss, and it’ll become part of a charitable donation.”

    Customer: “What if I just drop it as I’m leaving, and you happen to pick it up?”

    Me: “There’s a security camera right above us. Listen, I really appreciate the thought, but I can’t accept it. Think of it as my good deed for the day.”

    Customer: “Right on man, like karma. Hey, you want some of this bud?”

    (He pulls a small plastic bag of marijuana out of his pocket, and offers it towards me.)

    Me: “Ah! Sir, I would highly recommend putting that away. I did mention there’s a security camera right above us.”

    Customer: “Oh, yeah. Well, I hope when you get off work you get to smoke up, drink up, or whatever it is you do to unwind. You deserve it, man. Let that good karma flow back to you!”

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