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  • Got Him Out Of A Pickle
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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Like His Pond, His Argument Is Shallow

    | UK | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    (I work tech support for a manufacturer of pond equipment. My job is supposed to be explaining tech, and helping fix faults for our customers.)

    Customer: “Yeah… so, I have one of your outdoor pond pumps, but it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Well, actually I just don’t have the instructions for it, so I don’t know how to make it work. I know it’s self-cleaning, but I don’t know how to make it work.”

    (This is strange, as all products come with instructions. Also, though we do have self-cleaning pumps, they cost thousands of pounds. As a result, they are rarely used by the general public.)

    Me: “What model is it? Maybe I can email you our electronic copy.”

    Customer: “Thanks, man. It’s [four-year-old model number].”

    Me: “Okay, I’m sending you a copy of those instructions now. However, I should warn you that it’s not self-cleaning. It is, however, easy clean.”

    Customer: “What?! I only bought it because it was self-cleaning!”

    Me: “Well, easy clean is better than nothing, and it is a good pump. What did you have before?”

    Customer: “I had [five-year-old pump].”

    Me: “That’s still a good upgrade; let me know when you have the instructions.”

    (There is a pause as the customer checks his email.)

    Customer: “You screwed up man; this picture is all wrong!”

    Me: “Those are the instructions for [four-year-old model]. If it doesn’t look like that; you must have a different pump.”

    Customer: “No, man! The guy I bought it from said it was [four-year-old pump].”

    Me: “Who did you buy it from?”

    Customer: “Some guy online!”

    Me: “Do you think that maybe he lied?”

    (A lot of cursing ensues. Eventually, he starts describing the product. I quickly recognize it as a very old product of ours.)

    Me: “I think I know what you have, sir. It’s actually a [10-year-old product]. Let me just send you the instructions.”

    Customer: “That’s it, man! Is that one self-cleaning too?”

    Me: “Sir, that one’s not even easy clean. You’ve just significantly downgraded your system.”

    Customer: “S*** man! This is bull-s***! What the h*** am I supposed to do with this s***?!”

    Me: “If I were you, sir, I’d look into getting your money back from the seller you purchased your pump from. I’d also reinstall your old pump into your pond.”

    Customer: “F*** that s***! Give me my f****** money back! It’s your pump! You f****** fix it!”

    Me: “Sir, I work technical support for the manufacturer of that pump. We haven’t made them in years, and we haven’t sold them in years. You did not buy it from us, nor do you have any kind of guarantee with us. If you had come to a store for your needs, rather than under-cutting us all by going online for the cheapest deal, we could have told you exactly what you were buying. Instead, you bought an unknown product from an unknown source, with no protection or research. That is entirely on you, buddy. It is not my fault.”

    (There is a long pause before the line goes dead.)

    He’s Not Taking Lying, Lying Down

    | Norway | Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I work as a second line support, mostly dealing with emails from clients. One client is so nasty to my first line phone-support coworker, that she just cannot deal with him anymore. She begs me to take the call.)

    Me: “Hi, this is [name]. I was told you had some questions about the legal binding of your contract, and therefore you were transferred to me. Would you please clarify what the issue is here?”

    Client: “THIS F****** CHICK ON THE PHONE SAID THERE WOULD BE A F****** FEE IF I CHANGE MY PHONE PROVIDER! SHE’S F****** LYING! I WAS NEVER INFORMED THAT THIS—”

    (He trails off and just screams profanities. I remain silent until he finally calms down.)

    Client: “…um, hello?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am still here. However, as we will not be able to resolve anything while you are screaming at me, I figured I’d wait until you were finished. Anyway, from what I’ve gathered, you are upset that cancelling your contract will result in a cancellation fee?”

    Client: “YES! I already changed provider, and you guys sent me the bill! I WAS NOT INFORMED!”

    Me: “Well, sir, did you receive your information text? It can sometimes be hard to get all the information from—”

    Client: “I DID NOT GET A TEXT! I WAS NOT INFORMED!”

    (I decide to pull up his actual contract, to check what information he actually received. I go quiet for a bit.)

    Client: “…um, hello?”

    Me: “Sir, I just pulled up your contract here. You are one of our few clients who actually got your contract from one of our sales reps, on paper. Normally, they are given electronically over email or text. But you got the full contract, complete with all the information about our terms, on paper. You wrote down your details yourself, and signed it. How were you not informed?”

    Client: “It did not say there were a cancellation fee!”

    Me: “Yes, it does. Right under where you put down the phone numbers you wanted the agreement for. Where it also says how long you have to stay with us before you can change provider without the fee.”

    Client: “But… I didn’t agree with that!”

    Me: “You filled out the contract, checked of the box that said you had read, understood, and agreed to our terms of agreement, and signed the document.”

    Client: “But… I didn’t read the terms of agreement!”

    Me: “But you signed that you did.”

    Client: “Well… but… You people should know that I was lying! I AM NOT PAYING THIS STUPID BILL!” *hangs up*

    Addressed The Race Issue

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bigotry, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I work at a technical service call centre. A call is taken by an African-Canadian tech.)

    Tech: “Thank you for calling [name of company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God they gave me somebody white! The last time I called they expected me to talk to some stupid n*****.”

    (The tech is perfectly calm.)

    Tech: “Sorry about that, sir. How can I help you?”

    (The call proceeds as normal. The tech troubleshoots with the caller, and decides new software is needed. He offers to ship the software.)

    Tech: “Just to make sure, can I reconfirm your address?”

    Caller: “Oh, sure. It’s [full street address].”

    Tech: “Thank you. Oh, and before you go, you ought to know that I’m the biggest, blackest mother-f***** you’ll ever meet in your life, and I know where you live. Good day.”

    All Fantasy Sales Are Final

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Geeks Rule, Technology, Top

    (I am at the midnight release for the video game “Final Fantasy XIII” with my friends. I don’t have a console that can play the game, but the store lets people purchase the release event promotional posters beforehand. There is only one poster in the store, and I had bought it a few days earlier. I’m also friends with most of the staff who are working there, including the manager.)

    Customer: “Can I also buy that promotional poster?”

    Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, but it has already been purchased.”

    Customer: “There is no way it’s been purchased; it’s still there on the wall.”

    Cashier: “It was purchased a week ago, but it just hasn’t been picked up yet.”

    Customer: “So, just sell it to me; you’ll make twice the money.”

    Cashier: “Sir, I can’t sell the poster, since it isn’t ours anymore.”

    Customer: “I will give you twice what the other guy paid.”

    (The customer is starting to get angry, so another cashier steps in.)

    Cashier #2: “Didn’t you hear her? We can’t sell it to you.”

    Customer: “Fine! If you won’t sell it to me, then I’ll just take it!”

    (Both the manager and I have heard this. I decide to get my poster before this man does, and I catch the manager’s attention. I also just happen to be dressed like Auron from ‘Final Fantasy X’. I jump from my spot in line, and draw my fake sword.)

    Me: “Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Don’t look to others for knowledge; this is your story.”

    Customer: “I get it, but you are not getting that poster before I do!”

    Me: “Every story must have an ending.”

    (While this is going on, the manager takes the poster down, and puts it behind the counter. The customer gets to the spot where the poster had been, and looks at me, surprised.)

    Customer: “How did you do that?”

    Me: “I’m Captain Basch!”

    (The customer stomps off angrily. The whole store gets a big laugh when I do actually pick up the poster.)

    Don’t Throw Apples In A Room Full Of Windows

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a Cyber Cafe, where the workers are allowed to use their laptops when they are on break. I am notorious around the store to both the customers and my coworkers, because I prefer to use a Mac rather than another type of computer. One customer comes in holding her Mac laptop and a USB.)

    Customer: “Hey, you’re good with Macs, right?”

    Me: “I like to think so, why?”

    Customer: “I just recently got a Mac, and I’m transferring data over with a USB drive. This one doesn’t appear to be working.”

    Me: “How so?”

    Customer: “I plugged in this USB into the laptop, but it doesn’t recognize it.”

    Me: “That seems odd; let me try another USB.”

    (I try a spare USB lying around the workplace.)

    Me: “This one works fine; let me see your USB for a moment.”

    (The customer hands me her USB.)

    Customer: “It’s probably the stupid laptop. Now I see why everyone hates Macs. It’s a stupid brand of computer, for stupid people.”

    (The customer glares at me. I ignore it and flip over the USB, reading the bottom.)

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “This isn’t a USB.”

    Customer: “Uh…”

    Me: “It’s a Bluetooth transceiver.”

    (The customer freezes, snatches the transceiver, and runs out of the cafe with her laptop.)

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