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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    H2Slow, Part 4

    | Blacksburg, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer walks into store with a phone that’s not working. It’s raining outside.)

    Customer: “Hey man, my phone stopped working. Can you get me a new one?”

    Coworker: “Do you have insurance? The watermarks show that the phone has gotten wet.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t, but I’ve never gotten my phone wet!”

    Coworker: “Well, it clearly did at some point. Were you by any chance using it while it was raining?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was earlier, but that wouldn’t have done it, would it? Would rain get my phone wet?”

    Coworker: “Is rain made out of water?”

    Customer: “Ohh… right…”

    Related:
    H2Slow, Part 3
    H2Slow, Part 2
    H2Slow

    You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 7

    | Mercer County, NJ, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

    (I work for a franchise of a major cell phone company in the US.)

    Customer: “I just had a woman call me on my cell phone. Can you look up her information and tell me her last name and address?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but unless you are listed on the account as an authorized user I cannot give away any personal information.”

    Customer: “Well then, can you add me as an authorized user so I can see her address?”

    Me: “No, sir, only the account holder can add or remove authorized users.”

    Customer: “Well she called me and I want to find her; what can I do?”

    Me: “Call her back?”

    Customer: “I can’t do that; after she gave me her name she realized it was a wrong number and hung up!”

    Me: “So let me get this straight, you want me to look up a customer’s number, add you as an authorized user, give you her name and address, and you don’t even know her?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Sir, you need to leave.”

    Related:
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 6
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 5
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number

    You’ll Need A Brake After This

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

    (A customer has had one of our cars for three days, when he calls our customer service number.)

    Customer: “The car is stuck in park. No matter what I do, it will not go out of park. I’m trying pretty hard, but I don’t want to break the gear shift.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that; let’s take a look at this and see what we can do. Are you able to start the car at all?”

    Customer: “Yes the car starts just fine, and everything works. It just won’t move.”

    Me: “Are there any indicator lights on?”

    Customer: “All of them come on when you start the car.”

    Me: “Okay, go ahead and put your foot on the break, flush to the floor.”

    Customer: “What? What is that? What do you mean?”

    Me: “The brake pedal. Go ahead and push that down, and then shift into reverse.”

    Customer: “I still don’t know what you mean.”

    Me: “The pedal next to the accelerator. Push that down.”

    Customer: “It worked! Thank you so much; I thought I was going to be stuck here!”

    The Machine Runs On Punch-Lines Of Code

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology

    (I am working the self-scans, bagging a customer’s groceries. The customer puts two small plastic containers filled with olives on the belt. The self-scan is programmed not only to mention the price of an item, but also to weigh some items, and let people know if their item should be placed on the belt or not.)

    Self-Scan Machine: “Please take your item to the bagging area.”

    (The customer puts both containers on the belt instead of taking it to the bagging area, and watches as the belt doesn’t move.)

    Self-Scan Machine: “Please take your item to the bagging area.”

    (The customer puts her hand on both containers and instead of picking them up and giving them to me, she pushes them down the belt causing the self-scan to freeze.)

    Self-Scan Machine: “Please stand by. Help is on the way.”

    (The customer turns to me.)

    Customer: “Why do you need to help me?”

    Me: “Because you pushed your olives down the belt. You never have to put these on the belt. Just bring them to me so I can bag them.”

    Customer: “Oh! When the machine told me to bring these items straight down, I actually had to do it? I didn’t have to put them on the belt at all?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I thought this machine was just joking with me.”

    Life Needs An Undo Button

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at an online backup company. Our pricing is based on what storage amounts are used. You can get a free small account and upgrade to a paid account with more space later.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [name of business], this is [my name] speaking. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, hi, I needed to wipe my hard drive. I got a free account, but it wasn’t enough space. I paid to upgrade and then wiped my drive. Where is all my backed up stuff?!”

    Me: “When you upgraded the account, did you try to back up again so it would upload whatever didn’t fit before?”

    Caller: “No, it didn’t say I needed to do that! I just paid for the extra space this morning! You mean I lost all of my stuff?”

    Me: “Well, if you ran out of space, and then paid for more space, but didn’t back anything up, then all we’d have is what you backed up before.”

    Caller: “So, you’re basically saying I’m an idiot, then?”

    Me: “Uh…”

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