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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Should Keep Better Account Of Their Account

    | USA | Money, Technology

    (I work for a company that provides online subscriptions of technical software. A customer calls us from Colorado.)

    Customer: “I need the password to my account.”

    Me: “I can assist you with that; can you verify your username?”

    Customer: “I don’t know it. That’s why I’m calling you.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, how about your email address?”

    Customer: “Try these…”

    (He gives me five email addresses. I search them all.)

    Me: “Sir, I can’t find these. Can you tell me the company name?”

    Customer: “Try these…”

    (He gives me two company names. I am getting suspicious, but I look them up anyway.)

    Me: “Sir, I still can’t find these. What about any names that may be on the account.”

    Customer: “F***! We signed up six months ago, and spent $2500 with your d*** company! We haven’t even used your s*** yet, so you better find my password.”

    Me: “Would you have a confirmation number?”

    Customer: “NO! Where the f*** would that be?”

    Me: “It would’ve been sent in an email.”

    Customer: “That was six months ago! Who the f*** keeps emails that long?”

    Me: “Well, if I’d spent $2500 on something, I’d try to keep track of it.”

    Customer: “F*** you. You’re not helping me because you don’t f****** want to. I want to speak to your supervisor.”

    Me: “Sir, I am the supervisor. And if you have no confirmation number, no receipt, no username, no valid email address, no valid company name, and no valid customer name, I have no way to look up your account.”

    Customer: “Look it up under [somewhat common name].”

    Me: “Well, I do have one customer under that name.”

    Customer: “That’s it!”

    Me: “But he’s out of Texas, and he has never purchased what you say you’ve purchased.”

    Customer: “Well it may be under Jennifer’s name.”

    Me: “What’s Jennifer’s last name?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. Just give me Jennifer’s account.”

    Me: “Sir, we have at least 150 registered users named Jennifer.”

    Customer: “Well find one out of Colorado and give me her username.”

    Me: “If you’d like to tell ‘Jennifer’ to call us and give us authorization to give you access to her account, I’d be more than happy to help you.”

    Customer: “Oh f*** you, you guys are worthless.” *hangs up*

    Save It On A Flesh Drive

    | WA, USA | Books & Reading, Language & Words, Technology

    (Our library offers several touch-screen computers that customers can use to check out items themselves. The customer is a friendly regular, but a little shy because English is not her first language.)

    Customer: “Why does this machine require flesh?”

    Me: “W-what?”

    Customer: “This machine. I am touching it, but it does not work. Is because…?”

    (She shows that she is wearing gloves.)

    Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; yes I suppose the screens don’t work if you have gloves on. I had never really thought about that.”

    Customer: “Ah. Okay, sorry to be bother.”

    Me: “No, no! That is the best thing I’ve heard all week.”

    (Now whenever the computers have problems, the staff joke that they ‘require flesh’ to function, and someone must be sacrificed to appease them.)

    Needs To Chill Out

    | Auckland, New Zealand | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Technology

    (Our company takes calls from all over the world from customers wanting help with household appliance queries.)

    Me: “Welcome to the customer care centre. How may I help today?”

    (An American customer starts screaming.)

    Customer: “STOP WATCHING ME! BIG BROTHER IS INSIDE MY FRIDGE!”

    Me: “Why do you think that, ma’am?”

    Customer: “There’s this little blinking light and manic beeping coming from inside my fridge! Listen!”

    (I hear a clunking noise, and the customer’s voice gets very faint. A few moments pass; the customer puts the phone to her ear again.)

    Customer: “Did you hear that? I know someone is spying on me!!”

    Me: “What just happened, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I put ya’ll in the fridge so you could hear the noise, and see who’s spying on me!”

    Me: “Well, apart from being a little chilly I didn’t hear anything. How often does the beeping occur?”

    Customer: “When I have the door open! I can see the blinking light and the beeping is driving me nuts!”

    Me: “Ma’am? The fridge does this to alert you to the fact that the door has been open for too long. It is so the food is kept fresh. I promise you, there is no one watching you.”

    Customer: “Yes! There is someone! What are you going to do about it?”

    Me: “May I ask how much you purchased your fridge for?”

    Customer: “Around $1500. Why?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you don’t need to worry. There is no one inside your fridge watching you. We only supply the ones with robots inside for the military, and those fridges would set you back $5000! I promise you that if you shut your fridge door firmly when it starts to beep, you won’t have any more trouble.”

    (The customer breathes a sigh of relief.)

    Customer: “Whew! I thought I was going nuts! Thanks hon!”

    No ID-ea Who Is Hiding Under There

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Technology

    (A coworker and I are working under our walk-up counter; we’re running cables for a new computer station. I overhear a customer talking to the tiny freshman girl working above us at the counter.)

    Customer: “I’m here to pick up my laptop.”

    Female Coworker: “Okay, it looks like it’s all paid up. I just need to see your ID.”

    Customer: “What? Why?”

    Female Coworker: “I just need to verify it’s your computer.”

    Customer: “Well I don’t have my ID. Just give it to me.”

    Female Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t—”

    (There are the sounds of quick struggle. She steps back holding the laptop.)

    Female Coworker: “Sir, you can’t take the laptop without ID! Now you need to leave or I will have to have you escorted out.”

    (I pop up to see what’s going on. The customer looks at me and laughs.)

    Customer: “Him? This little b**** is going to escort me out? I’d love to see that!”

    Me: “She didn’t mean me…”

    (My other co-worker, who was still under the desk, grabs the edge of the counter and hauls his 300lb. self up to his full imposing 6’6″ height.)

    Me: “…she meant him.”

    (The customer’s face goes pale.)

    Customer: “Uh… um… so, I can just come back with my ID and pick that up, then?”

    Giant Coworker: “Yes, sir. Feel free to ask for me if you have any more problems.”

    Customer: “No! Er, I mean, no; I can’t imagine there’d be any more problems.”

    (We now joke that we should keep our giant under the desk for all such issues.)

    Refund Isn’t In The (Memory) Cards

    | FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Top

    (A customer comes in trying to return a camera with no receipt. After I tell her I will not be doing the refund, she demands a manager.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Your store ruined my daughter’s graduation! This camera that your employees sold me wouldn’t work! I couldn’t take any pictures!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but without a receipt we can’t refund this.”

    Customer: “You are going to refund this! And the memory card too!”

    Me: “Okay, tell you what: why don’t I just try to fix your camera for you? Then we’ll go from there.”

    (The customer scoffs and shoves her camera at me.)

    Customer: “Yeah, sure, go ahead and try. I’m telling you, you sold me a defective camera.”

    (I turn the camera on. It works fine. I try to take a picture; it says it doesn’t have enough memory. I open the battery compartment to inspect the card and immediately see the problem.)

    Me: “This isn’t a memory card.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?! Your employees picked this card and sold it to me!”

    Me: “This is an adapter, which is fine. The memory card needs to be inside of the adapter as well. Do you have something that looks like it would fit in this?”

    Customer: “Oh, that little thing? I threw that away.”

    (She grabs her camera and slinks away.)


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