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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Gives New Meaning To ‘Phone Bill’, Part 2

    , | CO, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

    (A customer calls in to a bank call center.)

    Customer: “I need to make a deposit.”

    Me: “I can certainly help you with that deposit. What do we need to deposit? Cash, check, money order?”

    Customer: “I need to deposit money.”

    Me: “What type of deposit? There are different ways to make a deposit depending on what you need to deposit.”

    Customer: “I need to deposit cash.”

    Me: “I can find you the closest ATM so you can make your cash deposit.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to go somewhere to make the deposit?”

    Me: “Yes, if you are depositing cash.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t I just deposit it over the phone?!”

    Me: No, I’m sorry. There is not a way to deposit cash over the phone.”

    Customer: “What kind of service is this?” *click*

    Related:
    Gives New Meaning To ‘Phone Bill’

    Driving To The Wrong Conclusion

    | Australia | Crazy Requests, Technology, Transportation

    (The company I work for has a competition to win a car for customers who purchase a sewing machine and have store membership. A customer comes in, thrusting a receipt at me, in broken English.)

    Customer: “I pick up.”

    Me: *looking at receipt* “Oh, you are here to pick up a machine you have already paid for? What name is it under?”

    Customer: “I pick up.”

    Me: “Yes, I know. I need your name.”

    Customer: “I buy sewing machine. I pick up.” *points to competition sign*

    Me: “What do you want to pick up?”

    Customer: “I buy sewing machine. Get car.”

    Me: “Oh, no, that is a competition. If you buy sewing machine you might win a car.”

    Customer: “Where car?”

    Me: “Competition is to WIN car, which will be drawn in two weeks. You might win a car.”

    Customer: “Car not here.”

    Me: “No, come back in two weeks to see if you won it.”

    Customer: “I get car?”

    Me: “Only if you win it.”

    Customer: “Can get car in two weeks?”

    Me: “If you win it, we will let you know. Good luck.”

    (The customer leaves. I wait until they are safely out the door before I stop biting my lips in an effort not to laugh.)

    Coworker: “You were with them for ages. What was wrong?”

    Me “They thought they got a free car with a $200 sewing machine.”

    Coworker: “You’re having me on. That’s a joke?!”

    (Two weeks later…)

    Coworker: *to me* “Those customers came back in to pick up the car. I thought you were joking that day.”

    (They came in two more times looking for their free car!)

    No Signal Getting To His Brain

    , | WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Hello. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “My ‘wifis’ are all locked.”

    Me: “Okay… let me see what you mean here.”

    (The customer pulls out their [Smartphone] and shows that there are lock symbols on all of the wifi networks openly broadcasting in the area.)

    Me: “Yes, these lock symbols mean that you have to login to the wifi network with a password.”

    Customer: “Password? What password? Wifis need a password? I’ve never used a password.”

    Me: “Does your home wifi not have a password?”

    Customer: “Which one is my home wifi?”

    Me: “Well, none of these. We have a wifi access point here in the store…”

    (I demonstrate to the customer how to log onto a wifi using the store’s own broadcasting wireless network.)

    Me: “But your home wifi will only be at your house. Not here. Do you know what your home wifi network is called?”

    Customer: “Why can’t I use any of these other ones?”

    Me: “These are just local wifi spots that are locked, with passwords, by their owners to keep people from freely using them.”

    Customer: “But wifi is supposed to be free, and I was told that I would have access to wifi with my new device.”

    Me: “Well, wifi isn’t always free. In places like Starbucks or McDonalds you’ll have free wifi that they pay for, but typical home networks, and even your 4G or 3G networks aren’t technically free. So, what you’ll have to do is go to your house, figure out what your home wifi is called, login to it by finding it on this list in your phone, and enter in the password if you have one.”

    Customer: “So… what’s my wifi password, then? I don’t think I have one.”

    Me: “I couldn’t tell you. That would be something you or you Internet provider would know.”

    Customer: “My provider is you guys.”

    Me: “Your home Internet provider.”

    Customer: “See, I don’t understand. Wifis are free, so why? When I use my wife’s laptop, I just go to the Internet. There’s no passwords for the Internet. Where would I need to use a password for FREE wifi?”

    Me: “Well, unless you’re stealing someone else’s unsecured wifi, you would have to have a network that you yourself are broadcasting, paying for, and connecting to that would either have or not have a wifi password involved. But again, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t be able to tell you that information. Your home cable or Internet provider would be responsible.”

    Customer: “So do I have wifi or not?”

    Me: “No. No, you don’t. Not if you don’t know what it is.”

    Customer: “Why isn’t there some technical thing? You know I’m not good with this computer stuff, but I wish there was some technical thing that would just tell you what the password is. Everyone gets free wifi, but I’m the one with all the problems. I think it’s the phone.”

    Me: “No, it’s not. Could you check on your home wifi for me and let me know what provider you have? I think I could get a pretty good idea of the problem with that information at least.”

    Customer: “Okay. Yeah, I can do that. I’ll check with the wife. She’s better at this stuff.”

    (I can now officially retire from customer service.)

    Vacation Crime

    | ME, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I work for a computer repair shop which gets a lot of work orders from a big company because we’re nearby and are known for how fast we repair units. We also use receipts for orders that are being picked up by others.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’m here to pick up a computer for [Supervisor].”

    Me: “Do you have the repair receipt for their computer?”

    Customer: “No, just use my ID.” *shows me work ID*

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, I’m not allowed to give you any computer without a receipt due to security reasons.”

    Customer: *suddenly very angry* “Look! I’m an executive at [Big Company]. I can pick up as many computer orders as I want! Just shut up and do your **** job and give me [Supervisor]‘s computer!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. But regardless of who you are, I cannot give you any computer without a receipt.”

    (The door jingle goes off, meaning another customer has come into the shop.)

    Customer: “That’s it! I’m gonna have your a** fired, you incompetent f***! I’ve never been treated so rudely!”

    Me: “Well, I hate to repeat myself but again, we’re not allo—”.”

    (At this point I notice a police officer and security guard from [Big Company] standing behind the man.)

    Customer: *practically yelling at this point* “What?! Not allowed to give me [Supervisor]‘s computer?! Well, I’ll –”

    Police Officer: “Mr. [Customer]. You’re under arrest for attempted robbery.”

    (The customer turns around to see the two men, and makes a break for the door only to be tackled in seconds and taken away by the police officer.)

    Security Guard: “Can you believe that guy? He quit and threatened to steal [Supervisor]‘s computer all because he didn’t get the vacation time he wanted.”

    Muddling Through

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (Our company helps as an outsource development company, building games with other companies that don’t have enough manpower to complete them. These particular clients have never made a game before, have no art or gaming experience, and therefore have been incredibly difficult to work with. We have been revising a single icon for the interface for two days now, and both sides are becoming frustrated.)

    Client: “It’s still MUDDY. The concept wasn’t muddy! Why do you have so much brown in there?! I can’t read any of it.”

    Me: “The concept was clearer because it’s in black and white. You asked us to incorporate every color we’ve used in this so far. I don’t feel it’s muddy. We’ve reduced the only browns, the shields, down by almost 50%. I don’t understand what is reading as ‘muddy’ to you.”

    Client: “The brown of everything! The brown clothes and brown hair and brown skin and brown shield—”

    Me: “Wait. Are you telling me the hair and clothes read as brown to you?”

    Client: “YES. I don’t understand why this is so difficult!”

    Me: “The hair is bright red and the clothes are dark green. They are nowhere near brown. They are the exact colors as used by the character in the game.”

    Client: “Ugh, whatever. I can’t see that! I’m COLORBLIND.”

    Me: “So… let me get this straight. You are complaining about overuse of brown, when you can’t see colors properly?”

    Client: “Right. Look. Just make it read better. Make the swords bigger.”

    Me: “… I need a drink.”

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