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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Fits The Bill Of An Idiot

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a video game store. A woman comes up, wanting to return a ‘Mario Galaxy’ for the Wii she had purchased.)

    Customer: “I want to return this as it doesn’t work. What kind of scam are you running here?!”

    Me: “Not a problem. I can return it for you if you have the receipt.”

    Customer: “It wouldn’t start and it kept saying please insert an Xbox 360 game disk!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that but the game you purchased only works on a Wii and not an Xbox; if you would like you can exchange it for something else.”

    Customer: “BUT IT FIT IN IT! IT SHOULD WORK! IT PLAYS GAMES AND THIS IS A GAME AND IT SHOULD JUST WORK! IT FIT INSIDE!”

    Me: “But this is for an entirely different console. Your game is for the Wii and you have an Xbox 360 and they’re not compatible wi—”

    Customer: “BUT IT FITS!”

    Me: “Very well. Let me ask you a question, if your car ran out of petrol and you filled the tank with milk, would the car run?”

    Customer: “NO! WHAT KIND OF STUPID, MORONIC QUESTION IS THAT?!”

    Me: “Yes, that’s correct, but does it fit?”

    Customer: *deer in the headlights look, and then walks out*

    No ID-ea Who Is Serving You

    | Lethbridge, AB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I am 17, working in a large department store located on one end of a strip mall. I’m covering a coworker’s break in the electronics department when two men come in and proceed to round up about $1000 worth of goods, including having me take a number of gaming systems out of their locked cases.)

    Me: “All right, gentlemen, your total comes to [large amount]. How will you be paying today?”

    Customer #1: “Credit.”

    (He proceeds to hand me a card. This is about the time that writing ‘check ID’ on the signature strip of credit cards became popular, so I instinctively look at the back of the card as I’m about to swipe it through. That’s when I notice something amiss.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to need to ask for some photo ID. It appears the signature strip of your card has been tampered with.”

    Customer #1: “Whattya mean?!”

    Me: “Well, someone has scratched out most of the strip, so there’s no signature on the card.”

    Customer #2: “Oh yeah, that was… That was his kid. F***ing brat. Can’t you just run it through anyway?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. Without a signature I’m required by law to check for ID.”

    (Customer #1 proceeds to snatch the card out of my hand, grabs a pen off the counter, and sloppily writes in the name of the cardholder. At this point, I notice the card has an ethnic-sounding name on it, and the two men are very distinctly Caucasian.)

    Me: *taking the basket of items off the counter and setting it behind the desk* “I’m sorry, sir, but since I have no way to prove that you are the cardholder, I can’t allow you to purchase anything here with that card.”

    (The customers continue to mumble and protest, getting more and more antsy by the minute. They finally take the card and leave, calling me a ‘b****’ on the way out. I know I can’t legally keep the card, but I immediately call our Loss Prevention Officer, who follows them outside. The police are eventually called, and they confiscate the basket of goods for fingerprinting. I go on about my evening. Later that same evening:)

    Coworker: “[My Name], there’s a call for you on line one. It’s your sister.”

    (This is a little strange, as my sister works in the electronics store at the other end of the strip mall, and will usually just walk down to talk to me if she needs anything.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Sister: “Hey, did you happen to get some a**holes trying to use a stolen credit card tonight?”

    Me: “Oh, God, did he get you guys, too? Yeah, I even remember the name on the card.”

    Sister: “Oh, yeah, we got them. Guess who their cashier was?”

    Me: “…You?”

    Sister: “Nope… [Name of the cardholder]. He works in the appliance section. They tried to use his own stolen card on him!”

    (Apparently, the man whose card they stole and one of the store managers held the guys until the cops arrived. Crime doesn’t pay, kids.)

    Outsmarted

    | Austin, TX, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I work at a home improvement store, specifically in the appliances department. I get a call from a customer who has me look up an order of hers. Note: it’s currently December 2014.)

    Customer: “I really want to get this dryer fixed, but I can’t remember when I bought it exactly.”

    Me: *reading purged order* “Okay, ma’am… Looks like you bought it in September of last year, so the manufacturer’s warranty is expired.”

    Customer: “Oh, shoot. Oh! Did I buy an extended warranty?”

    Me: *scrolls through order again* “No, ma’am, you didn’t.”

    Customer: “Oh… What if I go to another [Company I work for] store and don’t tell them anything and buy the extended warranty?”

    Me: *pauses* “Well, you only have 90 days from date of purchase to buy the extended warranty, ma’am.”

    Customer: *with serious disappointment* “Oh, so they’re all smart, then?”

    Me: “…”

    A Catalog Of Errors

    | FL, USA | Food & Drink, Money, Technology

    (I am working a temporary account for a well known holiday gift catering service that specializes in meats and cheese. The account has ads in newspapers, and in their catalogs and website.)

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

    (The caller sounds like a woman in her late thirties.)

    Customer: “Hi, I saw you were having a special sale on a spiral cut honey glazed ham. I’d like to get one of those.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to order you one today. May I have the gift code?”

    Customer: “I don’t see a gift code. Where is it?”

    Me: “It should be in a box on the side of the page, with the gifts letter designating the code.”

    Customer: “I don’t see it? I’m scrolling up and down and don’t see any boxes.”

    (I get a sinking feeling but keep strong.)

    Me: “Oh, do you have a catalog or are you on the website? If you need assistance using the website I can help you with that as well.”

    Customer: “I’m on the website.”

    Me: “All right, then instead of looking for a gift code, all you need do is look for the button that says ‘add to c-‘”

    Customer: “I know that! What do you think I am, a moron?! I want to order items off the website, over the phone!”

    Me: “I can certainly do that for you. Now what weight spiral cut ham is it?”

    Customer: “It’s the 20-pound for $35.99.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. The only 20-pound ham we have is for $49.99.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not possible. I’m looking at it!”

    Me: “Is it a special offer?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is. That’s obviously why I want to order it!”

    (The sinking feeling kicks in all the way.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we cannot use the website specials in place of catalog specials. Website specials are for the website only.”

    Customer: “So you’re telling me that I cannot get this ham for the price that it is advertised at?! That’s false advertisement!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, you can, but you have to order it online. The systems at the call center can only process catalog specials. You can order the product online, just not through the phone.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to order it online. I want to order over the phone!”

    (At this point I’m at a loss. My manager has noticed how long the call has taken, and takes a headset to listen into the call.)

    Customer: “Here, I have a gift code, like what you asked before. Try that!”

    Me: *I try the gift code that she pulled out of thin air* “It says it is void in my system, ma’am. As I’ve explained this is only an Internet offer and—”

    Customer: “Can’t you just adjust the price of the ham on your end?! I’ve had people do that for me before!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but all catalog prices are as shown. We cannot adjust the product price.”

    Customer: “What the h*** kind of customer service is this?! I want to speak to a manager!”

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. I’ll call him right over.”

    (I mute my mic and take a moment to explain what my manager has missed on the call. My manager un-mutes his mic.)

    Manager: “Hello, my name is [Manager], supervisor for [Company]. How may I be of assistance?”

    Customer: “Your employee is refusing to give me correct price for a ham!”

    (My manager then takes another 10 or so minutes on the phone. Outside of the call, I kind of get to laugh at the trouble the woman gives him. And then on top of THAT, after he re-explains EVERYTHING I have already told the woman, she demands to speak to HIS manager. The MOD manager, a woman I’ve never even seen before, comes on to the floor and takes a mic. She looks bemused.)

    MOD Manager: “Hello I am [MOD Manager], [Manager]’s manager. How may I—”

    (The woman on the other end immediately sets off on a rant.)

    MOD Manager: “Ma’am, this is a business. You’re wasting our time. If you want an online product, order it online. Good-day.”

    (The MOD manager doesn’t wait for a reply, just hangs up on the customer and turns to us.)

    MOD Manager: “Thanks for the call. I needed a laugh.”

    No Sign They Read The Sign

    | UT, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

    (I work at the self-checkout registers, helping customers with machine errors and doing theft prevention. Four of our self-checkout registers do not accept cash, to save space.)

    Customer: “Where do I insert my cash?”

    Cashier: “Sir, this machine accepts debit and credit only. It does not accept cash”.

    Customer: “Really? You should have a sign that says that”.

    Cashier: “Actually, we have several. There’s one posted just above the register in bright orange, one above the self checkout entrance, and at the beginning of the transaction, you pressed the button that says ‘yes, I understand this machine doesn’t accept cash.'”

    (The customers always, with a red face, quickly and quietly run to one of the cash machines!)

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