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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Got Him On Collar ID

    | FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Caller: “Hello, I bought a shirt in your store earlier today and the sign said $12 but I was charged $17. I’d like to return it.”

    Me: “Oh goodness, I’m so sorry that happened to you! You can just come in and I’ll be more than happy to help you return that and make it right.”

    Caller: “I’d like to return it over the phone, though.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t return a shirt without the shirt itself.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “…”

    Caller: “Why not?”

    Condomning Consoling Behavior

    | ID, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work support for a well-known gaming system. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and it’s very slow due to everybody watching the game. However, we are getting plenty of prank calls.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    (Note: the caller sounds like he is 13 years old at the most.)

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. How do I put on a condom?”

    Me: “Um, this is [Game Console] tech support. I can only help with [Game Console]-related questions. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Well, you see, I wanted to have sex with my [Game Console], but I didn’t want to get it pregnant, so that’s why I need to know how to put on a condom.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I guess you’d be happy to know that it is only a machine and therefore cannot get pregnant.”

    Caller: “Aw, sweet!”

    Me: “But I do need to point out that any liquid damage due to any related activities would void the warranty, and our technicians would not be able to accept it for any future repairs.”

    Caller: *click*

    A Sunny Disposition Vs. Unyielding Opposition

    | BC, Canada | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company], Mindy speaking. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, MINDY, why the f*** isn’t my TV working?”

    Me: “I have no idea. Let’s get a look at you account and see. Account number or phone number, please?”

    Caller: *gives info* “Took long enough to get through. I waited here for over and hour!”

    Me: “Thanks for the account info. Sorry about the long waits; we had some challenges earlier with certain equipment. Can you tell me what is happening on the screen of your TV when your PVR is on?”

    Caller: “Wait, are you qualified for this?”

    Me: “Yes, I am absolutely trained and ready to help out with your issue. It is actually a pretty easy fix, likely.”

    Caller: “Are you sure you don’t need to transfer me to Tech?”

    Me: “No, I am Tech.”

    Caller: “A chick tech? Well, okay, but I hate wasting my time with people like you. It’s frozen… some grey and blue boxes.”

    Me: “Thanks for the info. It is an easy fix like I suspected. Can you please disconnect the power cord from the PVR for about 15 seconds, and then plug it back in?”

    Caller: “I’ve already done that a couple times, you know, because I’m not an idiot!”

    Me: “Oh, okay. Well, let’s try it again. Let me know when it is unplugged and I’ll check some things on my end while it is unplugged.”

    Caller: “Seriously?” *sighs* “Okay. It’s unplugged.”

    (I check his connection, and notice he’s still online.)

    Me: “Oh, that’s weird. It seems like it is still online on my end. Are all of the lights off of the front of the box?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, then it seems like you probably accidentally pulled the HDMI cord, not the power. Pull the power at the very right hand edge.”

    (At this, I see the box go off.)

    Me: “Awesome, thanks! Plug it back in now and let me know when the time shows.”

    Caller: “Okay, the time is showing.”

    Me: “Great! Let’s power it back on and see if everything is working. It all looks good on my end.”

    Caller: “Yeah, it seems to be working.”

    Me: “Awesome! Anything else I can help with tonight?”

    Caller: “God, I f***ing hate when you you people say that! There are lots of things in my life I need help with, you stupid b****!”

    Me: “Are any of those things issues with your Cable or Internet service?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Then I guess I’ve done my job! Thanks!” *click*

    The Internot

    | Online | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work for a internet retailer so all of our sales come via a website. We don’t operate any physical store locations.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [store name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to place an order.”

    (I take the caller’s order, and get to the part where I need her personal information.)

    Me: “…and may I have your email address, please?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Well, that’s how your receipt and shipping information will be given to you.”

    Caller: “I don’t like giving it out. I don’t understand why you need it. Why can’t you just mail it to me?”

    Me: “The receipt and shipping information are emailed to you through our store’s sales system. It’s something that happens automatically. We will not sell it or abuse it in any way.”

    Caller: “Well, that’s stupid! What if I don’t have an email address? What do you do for your customers who don’t have a computer?”

    Me: “Being an internet retailer, we haven’t had much of a problem with that.”

    Doesn’t Look After His Property

    | Houston, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I take tech support calls for computer-aided design software. I get a call from a customer who is having issues remembering a certain command prompt for his software.)

    Me: “Good morning, this is [Company Name]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m having trouble remembering one of my tool commands.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, do you know what the command does? Maybe I can help you figure out which command you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “Yeah! I can click on a line or shape and it’ll give me the properties of that thing. What’s that command called? It’s like ‘help’ or ‘information’ or something like that.”

    Me: “The ‘properties’ command, sir.”

    Customer: “Yeah! The one that gives me the properties of something! I want that. What’s it called?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s called ‘properties.’”

    Customer: “Yeah, the one that gives me the properties! It’s called ‘help,’ I think.”

    Me: “Sir, to find the properties of an item in your model, you will use the ‘properties’ command.”

    (I tell him how to start the command. Afterwards, there’s a long pause on the other end of the line, when suddenly the customer shouts.)

    Customer: “OH! It’s called ‘properties!’ Got it! Thanks, bye!”

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