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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Must Work In A Mail-Dominated Profession

    | Enid, OK, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer calls us after moving from here to another state. She wants a copy of her insurance verifications.)

    Me: “Sure thing, where do you want me to email them to?”

    Customer: “I don’t have an email account.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Customer: “I work for a living.”

    He Must Be A Theorist

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Technology

    (I support the scientists in a large research building. I get a call from one of them.)

    Caller: “I need help removing my extended absence greeting from my voice mail.”

    Me: “Okay, to do that you need to login to your voicemail and select option 4.”

    Caller: “How do you do that?”

    Me: “You press 4.”

    Caller: “I don’t know how to do that. Can I get an onsite visit?”

    Me: “We can’t generate an onsite visit for this issue; however, if you go to our intranet site there is a chart with all the menu options.”

    Caller: “That’s too complicated.”

    Me: “…you’re a scientist with several Ph.D.’s.”

    Best Just To Enable Them

    | Newark, OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

    (A customer in her mid-40s comes up to the kiosk.)

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I put in my card at the pump, and it tells me ‘Pump Enabled.’”

    Me: “…Yes?”

    Customer: “What does ‘Enabled’ mean?”

    Me: “Well, it means that you can work the pump. The transaction is probably going to time out by time you walk back to the pump, but try again. All it means is that the pump is working.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Thank you.”

    (The customer walks off and I continue counting cigarettes. After a few minutes, she comes back.)

    Me: “Oh, welcome back!”

    Customer: “It still says ‘Pump Enabled.’”

    Me: “Go ahead and pump your gas, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Thanks.”

    (She walks away, but after a few moments, I see her walking back to the kiosk.)

    Me: “Ma’am, let me help you…”

    Laptop Flop, Part 5

    | Finland | At The Checkout, Geeks Rule, Money, Technology

    (A customer walks in with a cheap supermarket-branded laptop. She insists it’s only a tiny problem, but it turns out to be a malware-ridden horror show with no anti-virus software installed at all. I spend over 30 minutes cleaning it up with the customer standing behind my back. I recommend installing an anti-virus package, which the customer refuses. She then picks up her machine, and tries to walk out.)

    Me: “Excuse me, aren’t you forgetting something?”

    Customer: “…Huh?”

    Me: “The service fee is 45 euros.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on! The computer was already expensive, and now this?!”

    Me: “I guess we couldn’t go on for long if we worked for free.”

    Customer: “But this is what you nerds do on your free time anyway!”

    Related:
    Laptop Flop, Part 4
    Laptop Flop, Part 3
    Laptop Flop, Part 2
    Laptop Flop

    A High Infidelity Phone

    | Absecon, NJ, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (A customer of around 45 comes up to me. I am a 21-year-old girl.)

    Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if I had enough memory on my phone for the movies I’ve downloaded, and to download more?”

    Me: “Um, I’m not sure. Let’s go up to the mobile consultant. He should be able to answer that.”

    (I start walking to the consultant, who is on the other side of the store. The customer stops me after about a foot, and pulls out his phone.)

    Customer: “You see, I have all these movies; they’re short, but I have about 150 of them. And I have 32 GB of memory. I also don’t want my wife to see them, but I don’t want a separate memory card.”

    Me: “I mean, I don’t know much about phones, but that seems like it should be sufficient.”

    (The customer starts scrolling through his “movies,” which are clearly adult in nature.)

    Customer: “I just got a Galaxy. The movies are so clear!”

    (He starts to play several porn videos, as I stand there, shocked.)

    Customer: “I’m hiding them from my wife. So, 32 GB should be good?”

    Me: “Uh… yeah. Seems like it…”

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