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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    More Deaf Than Blind

    | AZ, USA | Health & Body, Technology

    (One of our eye tests works by patients clicking a remote when they see some shimmery lines, and is set up where the face-plate slides into place to test the individual eyes. The patient has already informed me that he has a glass eye in the right socket. This machine can sometimes be very temperamental when a test is in progress, so I want to explain the test before I mess around too much with it and skip his glass eye. It’s still currently set on the right eye as the default.)

    Me: “On this first test, when you look inside there, you’re going to see a little—”

    Patient: “I can’t see out of that eye.”

    Me: Yes, sir, I know that. I can skip this eye when I get the test started, but I wanted to explain the directions first. Now, you’re going to see a little black spot right in the center and—”

    Patient: “But I can’t see out of that eye.”

    Me: “Yes, I know that, sir. I can skip that eye in just a moment. You’re going to see the black dot in the center and there are some very faint, sort of wiggly lines—”

    Patient: “But I can’t see out of this eye.”

    (The patient continues to put his face into the machine which is still on the right eye.)

    Me: “I know that, sir. You’re going to see a black dot in the center and some faint, wiggly lines and that’s just a preview of what the test looks like. When—”

    Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

    Me: “I can skip that one. When the test starts, and I’ll let you know when that is, I just need you to look—”

    Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

    (I am now ignoring him to get through my directions.)

    Me: “When the test starts, you need to look at the black spot in the center and click on the clicker whenever you see those wiggly lines.”

    Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye, though!”

    Me: “I need you to sit back for me so I can get the machine ready to just test your left eye.”

    (The patient sits back and I slide the face-plate over for the left eye. I put in the settings to get the machine to skip the right eye, and am just about to start on the left.)

    Patient: “So, what am I supposed to do in this thing?”

    Avoiding A Bioshock

    | Dublin, Ireland | Crazy Requests, Technology

    (A customer approaches the cash desk with a console in a box.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking to trade this in?”

    Me: “Sure, let me just make sure it works!”

    (I open the box, only to find the entire console, wires, and control pads are covered in heavy condensation. It’s so heavy, that there are drops of water pouring down the system.)

    Me: “Umm …I don’t think I can plug this in to check it.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, it’s soaking wet. Generally speaking, it’s not a good idea to combine water and electricity.”

    Customer: “Ah, it’s just a tiny bit of condensation. I had it in the car overnight; that’s why.”

    Me: “I still don’t think it’s safe, sir.”

    Customer: “Go ask your manager; he’ll tell you it’s fine!”

    (I decide to humor him, and take the console out back to the manager.)

    Me: “So I’ve got this customer for trade in, and he wants me to plug this thing in and check it.”

    Manager: *not looking up* “So what’s the problem?”

    Me: “I think you should have a look and see what the problem is!”

    Manager: *looks at the console* “Is he for real?!”

    (The manager picks up the console, and it almost slips out of his hands from the liquid on the surface. He heads out to the customer and deals with him.)

    Manager: “We can’t accept this for trade in. Sorry about that.”

    Customer: “Ah, why not!? It’s only a tiny bit of condensation; I don’t know what the problem is!”

    Manager: “Well, if you’re happy to plug in electronics that are dripping with water, be my guest, but you’ll be a candidate for the Darwin Awards if you do. I’m not happy to risk the personal safety of my employees just for a trade in.”

    (The customer looks at the console again.)

    Customer: “And what if I come back in 10 minutes, and it’s dry?”

    Manager: “I think that’d be something of a miracle, don’t you?”

    Spelling Bee Bee Cee

    | UK | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    (The customer has issues with accessing the internet and getting the standard ‘Internet Explorer cannot display this webpage’ error message. After doing various checks it turns out to just be a simple reset that is needed. We normally check it by asking the customer to try going to various web pages.)

    Me: “So we’ve got Google up on the screen. That’s great. Okay, I want you to try going to BBC’s webpage now.”

    Customer: “What website?”

    Me: “Er, the address is www.bbc.co.uk.”

    Customer: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: “Which part? ‘co?’”

    Customer: “BBC.”

    They’re Having A Ball(s)

    | Denver, CO, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I am sitting next to my mom while she makes a call on speakerphone to her ISP. I witness the conversation.)

    Representative: “Hello, thank you for calling [Company]; my name is [Name]. How can I help you?”

    Mom: “Hi, I need some testicle support.”

    Representative: “… I’m sorry?”

    Mom: “Testicle support! It doesn’t work right.”

    Representative: “Umm… do you mean ‘technical support?’”

    Mom: “Yes! What did I say?”

    Representative: “Uh, not anything I can repeat.”

    (I am struggling to hold my laughter in as I whisper the word to my mom.)

    Mom: “Oh! Oh my… I can’t believe I said that! You don’t think I’m a weirdo, do you?”

    Representative: *chuckling* “Don’t worry about it. That was the funniest thing I’ve heard all night.”

    (From that point on, they make a point of saying the word ‘technical’ whenever possible during the conversation, and all three of us giggle like gossiping schoolgirls when anyone says it. My mom gets to the end of the call…)

    Representative: “Thanks for calling [Company] TECHNICAL support.”

    Mom: “Thanks for being such a great TESTICLE service rep. The next time I have a TESTICLE issue, I would be thrilled to talk to you again. For now, I’ll leave you to take care of another customer’s TESTICLE issues. Thanks again!”

    (As we hang up, the last thing we hear is raucous laughter. We apparently made the night of more than one rep that little bit better. Thanks, Mom, for being such a loony!)

    All Buttoned Up And Going Nowhere

    | Madison, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging, Technology

    (A guest calls from the elevator to the front desk.)

    Guest: “Um yeah. Your elevator is not working.”

    Me: “What seems to be wrong, ma’am?”

    Guest: “It won’t move anywhere.”

    Me: “Okay, I will be right down to check it out.”

    (I go to the elevator. The guest is on the first floor, hitting the ’1′ button.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you are on the first floor hitting the first floor button.”

    (She was quite embarrassed. I can’t say I blame her!)

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