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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    His Account Just Got Axed

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Money, Technology, Wild & Unruly

    Me: “Welcome to [Bank]. This is [Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “This d*** ATM wont give me my money, and now it’s eaten my card! I want you to get it back! NOW!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. May I have you member number please?”

    (The customer confirms the details.)

    Me: “I can see here, sir, that you have used another bank’s ATM, and that you entered the wrong PIN three times?”

    Customer: “It’s not my d*** fault I got my cards mixed up. Just get my card back!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, we are unable to access that machine for you. It does not belong to our bank, and you have used a machine that is not attached to another bank branch, so the card has been cancelled. I can order a new one straight away, but I need to advise you that there will be a fee.”

    Customer: “No. YOU will get my card back right now, or I will go to my car, get my axe, and chop up this machine!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Go ahead.”

    Customer: “What, what…? But I said that I’m going to get an axe!”

    Me: “I know you did, on someone else’s ATM, so it doesn’t really affect us does it? I should let you know that I have made notes of the threat you just made, though.”

    Customer: “I’ll close all my accounts! I’ll go to the branch right now.”

    Me: “You WILL close your accounts, sir. And I see from your notes that this was your final warning about threatening behavior. However, I suggest that you don’t approach any branch or staff member again, as you apparently have an axe. The police will be notified the moment you step foot in any of our branches. You will be sent a cheque in the mail. Thank you for calling [Bank].”

    Self Checkout Is Soul Destroying

    | MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Technology, Top

    (I am working the control center for the self checkouts when I overhear a customer having a conversation with the self checkout machine.)

    Self Checkout: “Are you using your own bags?”

    Customer: “NO. I’M USING THE SOULS OF SMALL CHILDREN. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?!”

    Self Checkout: “Please place the item in the bagging area.”

    We Know Her Type

    | Finland | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer had spilled beer on her old laptop and wants a cost-effective way of making it usable again. The spare keyboard is too expensive. We end up disconnecting the internal keyboard because its stuck keys prevent the machine from booting. She was fine with the idea of using an external keyboard from now on. The customer returned the next day, slamming the laptop on the counter.)

    Customer: “The keyboard doesn’t work! I was here just yesterday and you said you fixed it!”

    Me: “Yes. We ‘fixed’ it by disconnecting the keyboard, because you didn’t want to order a new one.”

    Customer: “But it doesn’t work!”

    Me: “It does not work because you agreed to disconnecting it. You specifically asked if anything could be done instead of ordering a new spare keyboard, which is more expensive than the machine’s current worth.”

    Customer: “You didn’t repair it!”

    Me: “You didn’t want the new keyboard. The old one was beyond repair. There’s nothing else I could do about it.”

    Customer: “But I paid money for it!”

    Me: “You paid us for opening the laptop and disconnecting the cable. Many budget laptops, such as this one, are really time-consuming to disassemble because they use plastic clips instead of screws. We charged you for 30 minutes of service time.”

    Customer: “But the keys no longer do anything!”

    Me: “…”

    Taxing Faxing, Part 11

    | OK, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer calls into my place of employment asking a question about her laser printer.)

    Customer: “Hello. I need to know what my fax number is.”

    Me: “Fax numbers are issued by your phone company. You would need to contact them to find out the number.”

    Customer: “What? You mean they don’t come through the air?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. They do not come through the air.”

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing, Part 10
    Taxing Faxing, Part 9
    Taxing Faxing, Part 8
    Taxing Faxing, Part 7
    Taxing Faxing, Part 6
    Taxing Faxing, Part 5
    Taxing Faxing, Part 4
    Taxing Faxing, Part 3
    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing

    All Computers Come With Cache

    | UK | Crazy Requests, Money, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “How do I get money out of this account?”

    Coworker: “It’s an internet based savings account. You can transfer money from it online.”

    Customer: “Can’t I get it from a tray in my computer?”

    Coworker: *trying not to laugh* “Unfortunately that’s not a facility on your account.”

    Customer: “Well, it looks like I’ll have to change banks!”

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