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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Upside Down Line

    | SC, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (I work at an allergist’s office. This afternoon I got an unusual call.)

    Me: “[Doctor]’s office, can I help you?”

    Caller: “mmhmfffmfffmnmumblemumble”

    Me: “I’m having a hard time understanding you. I think there might be some kind of interference on the line.”

    Caller: “…I’m holding the phone the wrong side up again, aren’t I?”

    High On Siridipity

    | Belleville, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Technology

    (I am working as a tech support agent for a major tech company, enjoying the slow part of the day, when a call comes it. It starts off normal enough, but gets strange rather quickly.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, man, my device won’t stop talking to me.”

    Me: *can hear Siri talking in the background* “All right, I can certainly see what I can do to help you out with that.”

    (I pull up his device’s information and see that it has no extended warranty, just the complimentary 90-day time period that is about to run out.)

    Me: “All right, sir. Before we begin, would you be interested in purchasing our extended warranty?”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: *explain the details of the extended warranty*

    Customer: “Yeah, man, sounds good if I need it to stop her from talking.”

    Me: “Er… well, you don’t need it right now, but it’s a good idea to have it.”

    Customer: “If I need it for today, go ahead and set it up, man. I just… I just want to kill her so she’ll stop talking.”

    (It is at this point I realize that the customer is rather high.)

    Me: “Er… did you just say you want to kill Siri?”

    Customer: “Yeah, man. She won’t shut up. I want to kill her.”

    Me: “You mean turn her off?”

    Customer: “No, I want to kill her.”

    Me: “O-Okay, tell you what. You stay on the line. I’ll get my senior advisor on the line. He’s better suited to help you with this… situation.”

    Customer: “Okay, man. Whatever you say.”

    (I grabbed one of my senior advisors and explained the situation to him. He started laughing. I told him I was looking forward to reading the notes on the call and transferred the customer on over. I looked back at the notes later and they went as follows.)

    Notes:

    -Customer transferred over to me.

    -Customer states that he wants to kill Siri.

    -Suggest that we shut off Siri; attempt to guide customer through the steps.

    -Customer has trouble following my steps.

    -Customer proudly proclaims that Siri is now speaking Finnish.

    -Recommend to Customer that we change Siri’s language back to English.

    -Customer not willing to cooperate, wants to kill Siri.

    -Recommend that he sleep the rest of the night and give us a call back the next morning.

    Trying To Explain It In Black And White

    , | OH, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer walks in with a black & white document.)

    Me: “Do you need some copies made today?”

    Customer: “Yes, please. I need 20 of these, black & white.”

    (I make her copies and walk back to the counter.)

    Customer: “Can you make 10 in color, too, please?”

    Me: “Sure, you just need them on the brighter, heavier paper that we use in the color machine?”

    Customer: *stares at me like I have two heads* “NO, so that they’re in COLOR.”

    Me: “You mean you want it to look like it did on the computer screen before you printed these in black?”

    Customer: *frustrated* “YES!”

    Me: “No color machine in the world is capable of restoring color from a black and white copy.”

    Customer: “Whatever.”

    (Thank goodness the customer behind her was laughing at her because I was certainly about to!)

    Keeps Coming Back For More For Less

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer comes up to my register with a cart full of various sizes of picture frames.)

    Me: “Hello! Did you find everything?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    (She just stands there, not taking anything out of her cart, just looking at me.)

    Me: “Good! You can go on and put those smaller frames up here on the counter. And I’ll just need you to lift up the large ones so that I can reach the barcode on the bottom.”

    Customer: “You have to scan them?”

    Me: “Yep! If you are wanting to buy them, that is!”

    (I smile and laugh my hollow ‘customer laugh.’)

    Customer: “Oh, I thought… I didn’t know the scanning was necessary.”

    Me: “It’s how our registers know what you’re buying and charge you the correct amount. So you can just hand those small frames to me, and I’ll scan those, then we’ll get to the big ones. The small ones I can also wrap and bag for you.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to help you?”

    Me: “Well, that is the fastest way to check out. If you cannot lift them, though, I can come around and get them.”

    Customer: “I just don’t understand any of this…”

    (I give up and just take everything out of her cart myself, as a line is forming.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?! I have never had such rude service.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you want to buy these, I have to ring them up. That’s all I’m doing.”

    Customer: “Whatever. Okay, these are all 40% off.”

    Me: “Yes, you’re right. Their sale prices are just up here on the screen. And with that sale, your total comes to [total].”

    Customer: “I don’t believe that’s the sale price.”

    Me: *internal sigh* “Well, see, for example, this frame was originally [price]. When you take 40% off of that price, it comes to [total], as displayed on the screen.”

    Customer: “Fine, whatever. I’ll double check the math when I get home. And I want to use a coupon.”

    Me: “Okay, sure! I just need to scan the barcode on it. Do you have a printed coupon or is it on your phone?”

    Customer: “What? I don’t understand.”

    Me: “I need the coupon to scan it, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why? Just take the amount off. I’d like a 30% one, please.”

    Me: “I cannot apply a discount, then, ma’am. We have to scan the coupon for you to receive the discount. If you wish to come back tomorrow with the coupon and get a price adjustment, though, we can certainly do that for you. But the only available coupon for your purchases is a 10% one.”

    Customer: “Oh, I guess I’ll come back in. That’s poor service, though.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Now how will you be paying?”

    (As she runs her credit card through the card reader, I start wrapping her frames in paper to protect them.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?! You’re hurting them!”

    Me: “I’m wrapping paper around them to protect them from scratching one another.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, stop!” *she throws them in her cart with a crash*

    Me: “Okay, you just need to sign this receipt for me and you’re all done.”

    Customer: “No. I don’t sign things.”

    Me: *using my stern ‘mom voice’* “Then your transaction is not complete and you cannot leave with these items.”

    (She stares at me for a while and finally gives in with a huff. She leaves, muttering about poor service. Everyone in line behind her is wide-eyed with confusion, and the next few customers comment on how it seems like she’s never been in a store before. Then she reappears with her husband, holding one of the larger frames).

    Customer: “I’d like to trade this frame for another. It has scratches.”

    (I definitely gave her a quick, evil stare, but the frame is question is very easily scratched and it’s our policy to let customers trade them out.)

    Me: “Okay, sure. If you want to just leave that one up here, you can go on back and pick another one. If you pick a different style, we’ll have to run an exchange through the system.”

    (She leaves her frame and husband with me. It’s now 10 minutes to close, and we have a long line of customers. Her husband stands in front of my till browsing a magazine).

    Me: “Sir, if you will step to the end of my register here, I will check out a few of these other guests. We need to be closing soon, so I need to help everyone get out of the store. When your wife returns, I’ll do whatever needs to be done to process her frame.”

    (He throws his hands up in disgust and makes an exasperated noise, but doesn’t move.)

    Customer #2: *barreling up with a cart* “Outta my way. You aren’t doing a d*** thing!

    (She shoves her cart into him until he moves. I don’t say anything, because I’m too annoyed and trying not to laugh.)

    Customer #2: *to me* “There you go, love. What’s wrong with him? He a zombie?”

    (I ring up five guests before the original customer finally returns. Luckily, she’s got the same type of frame as the one she purchased, so I’m allowed to let her take it without doing anything in the register system.)

    Me: “Okay, awesome. Looks like that is exactly the same type of frame, so you can just take that and go! We don’t need to do anything else!”

    Customer: “What? You’re trying to make me steal!”

    Me: “What…? No, no I’m not. You’re leaving with essentially the same item as you brought back, minus a small scratch. I promise, it’s fine. Thank you, and have a good night!”

    (She and her husband stand there a minute complaining about me, then go stand in front of the automatic sliding doors, which slide open for them. They don’t move, talk, anything. They just stand there).

    Customer: “HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF YOUR D*** STORE?!”

    (Everyone in the area just stares, shocked. I have had it, so I just turn around and call up the next customer to my register.)

    Customer #3: “Never have I so enjoyed waiting in line at this store! What a show! It was like an SNL skit or something! I’m gonna write to the Pope, tell him you should be sainted. You acted so pleasant the whole time, with just the perfect touch of ‘rage boiling under the surface.’”

    (The original customers must have figured a way out of the OPEN DOOR THAT THEY HAD ALREADY USED THREE TIMES, because we didn’t find them inside after we closed!)

    Covered For The Next 20 Years

    | Alexandria, VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Employee: “How can I help you, sir?”

    Me: “I just bought this phone yesterday and I can’t hear anyone who calls me. They sound muffled and tinny.”

    Employee: “Ah, I know what your problem is.”

    (I haven’t even shown him my phone yet, so I assume he’s going to give me some smart-a** presumptuous answer.)

    Employee: “Did you leave the plastic cover on the screen that ships with the phone?”

    Me: “Well, yeah, at least until I buy a good screen protector.”

    Employee: “…”

    Me: “Oh. It covers the speaker, too, doesn’t it? That’s rather embarrassing.”

    Employee: “Don’t worry; you’re not the first to come in here with that problem.”

    Me: “Oh, good, that makes me feel better.”

    Employee: “But you are the youngest by about 20 years.”

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