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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Condomning Consoling Behavior

    | ID, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work support for a well-known gaming system. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and it’s very slow due to everybody watching the game. However, we are getting plenty of prank calls.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    (Note: the caller sounds like he is 13 years old at the most.)

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. How do I put on a condom?”

    Me: “Um, this is [Game Console] tech support. I can only help with [Game Console]-related questions. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Well, you see, I wanted to have sex with my [Game Console], but I didn’t want to get it pregnant, so that’s why I need to know how to put on a condom.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I guess you’d be happy to know that it is only a machine and therefore cannot get pregnant.”

    Caller: “Aw, sweet!”

    Me: “But I do need to point out that any liquid damage due to any related activities would void the warranty, and our technicians would not be able to accept it for any future repairs.”

    Caller: *click*

    A Sunny Disposition Vs. Unyielding Opposition

    | BC, Canada | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company], Mindy speaking. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, MINDY, why the f*** isn’t my TV working?”

    Me: “I have no idea. Let’s get a look at you account and see. Account number or phone number, please?”

    Caller: *gives info* “Took long enough to get through. I waited here for over and hour!”

    Me: “Thanks for the account info. Sorry about the long waits; we had some challenges earlier with certain equipment. Can you tell me what is happening on the screen of your TV when your PVR is on?”

    Caller: “Wait, are you qualified for this?”

    Me: “Yes, I am absolutely trained and ready to help out with your issue. It is actually a pretty easy fix, likely.”

    Caller: “Are you sure you don’t need to transfer me to Tech?”

    Me: “No, I am Tech.”

    Caller: “A chick tech? Well, okay, but I hate wasting my time with people like you. It’s frozen… some grey and blue boxes.”

    Me: “Thanks for the info. It is an easy fix like I suspected. Can you please disconnect the power cord from the PVR for about 15 seconds, and then plug it back in?”

    Caller: “I’ve already done that a couple times, you know, because I’m not an idiot!”

    Me: “Oh, okay. Well, let’s try it again. Let me know when it is unplugged and I’ll check some things on my end while it is unplugged.”

    Caller: “Seriously?” *sighs* “Okay. It’s unplugged.”

    (I check his connection, and notice he’s still online.)

    Me: “Oh, that’s weird. It seems like it is still online on my end. Are all of the lights off of the front of the box?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, then it seems like you probably accidentally pulled the HDMI cord, not the power. Pull the power at the very right hand edge.”

    (At this, I see the box go off.)

    Me: “Awesome, thanks! Plug it back in now and let me know when the time shows.”

    Caller: “Okay, the time is showing.”

    Me: “Great! Let’s power it back on and see if everything is working. It all looks good on my end.”

    Caller: “Yeah, it seems to be working.”

    Me: “Awesome! Anything else I can help with tonight?”

    Caller: “God, I f***ing hate when you you people say that! There are lots of things in my life I need help with, you stupid b****!”

    Me: “Are any of those things issues with your Cable or Internet service?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Then I guess I’ve done my job! Thanks!” *click*

    The Internot

    | Online | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work for a internet retailer so all of our sales come via a website. We don’t operate any physical store locations.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [store name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to place an order.”

    (I take the caller’s order, and get to the part where I need her personal information.)

    Me: “…and may I have your email address, please?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Well, that’s how your receipt and shipping information will be given to you.”

    Caller: “I don’t like giving it out. I don’t understand why you need it. Why can’t you just mail it to me?”

    Me: “The receipt and shipping information are emailed to you through our store’s sales system. It’s something that happens automatically. We will not sell it or abuse it in any way.”

    Caller: “Well, that’s stupid! What if I don’t have an email address? What do you do for your customers who don’t have a computer?”

    Me: “Being an internet retailer, we haven’t had much of a problem with that.”

    Doesn’t Look After His Property

    | Houston, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I take tech support calls for computer-aided design software. I get a call from a customer who is having issues remembering a certain command prompt for his software.)

    Me: “Good morning, this is [Company Name]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m having trouble remembering one of my tool commands.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, do you know what the command does? Maybe I can help you figure out which command you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “Yeah! I can click on a line or shape and it’ll give me the properties of that thing. What’s that command called? It’s like ‘help’ or ‘information’ or something like that.”

    Me: “The ‘properties’ command, sir.”

    Customer: “Yeah! The one that gives me the properties of something! I want that. What’s it called?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s called ‘properties.’”

    Customer: “Yeah, the one that gives me the properties! It’s called ‘help,’ I think.”

    Me: “Sir, to find the properties of an item in your model, you will use the ‘properties’ command.”

    (I tell him how to start the command. Afterwards, there’s a long pause on the other end of the line, when suddenly the customer shouts.)

    Customer: “OH! It’s called ‘properties!’ Got it! Thanks, bye!”

    Laptop Flop, Part 4

    | TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Money, Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a computer repair center downtown. There is a crosswalk leading from our door across the street, with two parking spaces adjacent to it.)

    Me: “If there are any other problems, please feel free to call or drop by; we are more than happy to help.”

    (The customer takes his newly refurbished laptop and a brand new case from me.)

    Customer: “Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. Do you guys happen to work on smart phones?”

    Me: “Yes, we do. Just bring the phone in anytime, and we will take a look at it.”

    Customer: “It’s in my car, actually. I’ll be right back.”

    (The customer walks out the door to their car, and momentarily sets the laptop in its case down in the crosswalk while he looks for his keys. I have spent several long and frustrating hours working on the laptop, but because the customer is so kind and polite I don’t really mind. Unfortunately, a driver in a black pickup suddenly drives into the crosswalk and parks his truck on top of the laptop, damaging it.)

    Me: “Well, f***.”

    (The customer and the driver argue for a moment, before the driver comes in with the customer on his heels.)

    Customer: “Look at what he did!”

    (I quickly examine his laptop, and make an estimate on how much it will cost to repair it. Thankfully the damage isn’t too terrible.)

    Driver: “Hey! I was here first! Quit helping him and help me! I need to pick up my [smart phone]!”

    Customer #1: *to the driver* “And what exactly do you plan on doing about my laptop!”

    Driver: “Nothing! It’s your own d*** fault for leaving it in a parking spot.”

    Customer: “It cost me $275 to have it refurbished!”

    Driver: “Sorry for you! Maybe you wont be such a moron next time and put it in your car instead of leaving it in a parking space!”

    Me: *to the driver* “That will be a total of $291.57.”

    Driver: “What! Why the h*** does it cost that much? This is outrageous! You’re just trying to rip me off! Give me my phone back NOW!”

    Me: “It is $49.99 to replace the screen on your phone, and the repairs for this laptop will approximately cost $219.99. Including tax, your total comes to $291.57. Will that be cash or card?”

    Driver: “What!? I am not paying for this a**hole’s laptop. It’s his own f****** fault for leaving it in the parking space!”

    Me: “So, let me get this straight: you park in the clearly marked crosswalk, which is a no-parking zone. You whip into the space and nearly hit him because you weren’t paying attention to where you were going, and run over his laptop. The same laptop I have spent the last two days working on, which was sitting in, again, a clearly marked no-parking zone, and you’re not going to take responsibility for your actions?”

    Driver: “Exactly! I am not paying for this little s***’s stupidity.”

    Me: *to the customer* “It looks like your repairs will be on me.”

    Customer: “Thank you, but you don’t have to do that.”

    Driver: “Yeah, you have to pay for it because you’re a dumba** that left his computer in a parking space.” *turns to me* “Now give me my d*** phone.”

    Me: “Get out.”

    Driver: “No, I want my phone. Now hand it over.”

    Me: “No. Either you pay for all of it, or you get nothing.”

    Driver: “I’ll sue!”

    Me: *pointing* “There are a total of one, two, three security cameras that have caught everything on tape. Do you really think you could justify refusing to pay damages in front of a judge?”

    (The driver looks crestfallen, and finally pays for all of it. The customer gives me a $20 tip!)

    Related:
    Laptop Flop, Part 3
    Laptop Flop, Part 2
    Laptop Flop

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