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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Networking Notworking

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I am working as a shift leader in tech support for a global Swedish telephone company. I usually take phone calls from the agents where the customer is rather upset. I get called to an agent, where the customer is furious and yelling at him. I take over the phone.)

    Me: “Hi, this is the managing shift leader; I hear you have a complaint. May I ask what this is about?”

    Customer: “Yes! I called you guys yesterday about not getting network connection in my office, and nothing has happened yet! Do you have any idea how much money I am costing the company, unable to work?”

    Me: “Okay, I understand; just give me a minute to check the logged issue.”

    (I read the ticket and get suspicious immediately, because information about basic troubleshooting is missing.)

    Me: “Sir? When you reported this, did the agent ask you to try another outlet?”

    Customer: “Yes! It wasn’t working with that one either! Send me an onsite technician right NOW!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to say, but I believe there has been a misunderstanding here of the real root cause. May I please ask of you to just troubleshoot one more thing before I can escalate?”

    Customer: “H*** no! I spent over 30 minutes on the phone last time and that didn’t do s***! Do you have any idea how much money I make? I could have 20 of your so-called onsite techs following me constantly and it wouldn’t even show on my salary! I demand a priority top issue on this matter, right now!”

    Me: “Well sir, I am sorry to say that it is not allowed for a single user issue, no matter how much money you make. I am fairly certain the issue does not lie with the outlet, but in fact with your network card. So sending someone to ‘fix’ the outlet isn’t going to solve the issue. If you on the other hand, let me verify my suspicions, then this can be sorted out in a matter of minutes instead of days.”

    Customer: “D*** it! You are all worthless pieces of s***! Fine, what do you want me to do?”

    Me: “Just press the start button. In the run field you enter ‘cmd.’ Is there a black screen there now? Good. Please type ‘ping 127.0.0.1.’ What does it say?”

    Customer: “‘Request timed out.’ What does that mean?”

    Me: “It’s as I suspected. Your network card is broken. So instead of waiting for an onsite technician, how about I refer this ticket to your walk-in-center, and you just give them the ticket number and get a loaner PC while they fix your network card? That way you can start working again.”

    Customer: “Erm… well, yes. That would work. Er, thanks.”

    Me: “You’re welcome!”

    Moments You Wish You Had A Camera For

    , | Sacramento, CA, USARetail, Office Supply Store | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (My store sells desks and other office furniture. A customer who recently purchased a desk comes marching into the store, looking angry.)

    Customer: “YOUR COMPANY IS SPYING ON ITS CUSTOMERS!”

    Coworker: “What?”

    Customer: “You’re spying on your customers!”

    Coworker: “How do you figure?”

    Customer: “I just bought a desk from you guys, and on the instructions it says there’s a ‘hidden cam’ I’m supposed to install!”

    Coworker: “Sir, a cam-screw is just a type of screw. This one’s called a hidden cam because after you build everything, you won’t be able to see the screw any more.”

    Customer: “No, it’s a camera! You’re trying to steal information about people, and sell it to the government!”

    Coworker: “Sir, why would my company waste hundreds of thousands of dollars sneaking cameras into desks, cameras that are covered up by other pieces of the furniture and pointed at the floor?”

    Customer: “Well they could be listening in on my conversations!”

    Me: “Wouldn’t it be called a ‘hidden mic,’ then?”

    Coworker: “And why would we go so far as to clearly label the hidden cam as a hidden cam?”

    Customer: *leaves, defeated*

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 5

    | USA | Family & Kids, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (The new ‘Grand Theft Auto’ game has just been released, and my coworker and I have been very adamant on informing all parents of the content, going so far as to read off the ESRB rating site as needed to make sure they’re alright with the game. A 14-year-old boy and his mother come in.)

    Son: “Yeah, I’m here for the new GTA game.”

    Me: “Alright. Just to check, ma’am, are you alright with the M rating on this? It’s got a lot of objectionable content including—”

    (I read off the back of the case.)

    Mother: “…I don’t know.”

    Son: “It’s fine!”

    Me: “According to the people who rate these, there’s also male genitalia in a non-sexual context involving cult members and necrophilia. There’s also a torture sequence.”

    Mother: “No! Absolutely not! We’re not getting it.”

    Son: “YES WE ARE! YOU’RE GOING TO GET THIS FOR ME!”

    Mother: “No. We’re leaving.”

    Son: “I’M BUYING IT!” *looks to me expectantly*

    Me: “She is your mother, and she said no. I’m not able to sell this to you.”

    Son: *to mother* “YOU CAN’T TELL ME NO! YOU’RE GOING TO GET IT! THIS IS A F****** WASTE OF TIME! I’LL JUST COME BACK WITH DAD AND HE’LL GET IT FOR ME!”

    Mother: “You do not use that language with me! That’s it, we’re leaving. NOW!”

    (The mother storms off, forcing the son to leave. I turn to my boss and other customers who are staring after them in shock.)

    Me: “And that, right there, is why we make sure to advise on the content.”

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 4
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
    Grand Theft Innocence

    A Thin Gap Between Thick Customers

    | New Zealand | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I notice a customer getting frustrated with his computer while a regular in the booth next to his is struggling valiantly to keep a straight face. Eventually the frustrated customer comes up to the desk.)

    Customer: “Your computer ate my skydiving DVD!”

    Me: “Are you saying it won’t eject?”

    Customer: “No, when I push the button, a tray comes out but it’s empty.”

    Me: “The disc drives are all closed units; there’s nowhere it could have gone. I’ll come over and have a look.”

    (The disc tray is indeed empty. My regular is staring wide-eyed at his computer monitor while snorting behind his hand. I notice something shining in the gap between the top of the disc tray and the computer case.)

    Me: “Sir, did you open the tray before putting your DVD into the computer?”

    Customer: “Of course I did! I know how to use a d*** computer!”

    (At this my regular is squeezing his eyes shut and going red in the face. I take off the side of the case.)

    Me: “Sir, is that your DVD sitting on top of the disc drive?”

    Customer: “Yes! Your computers are so cheap and crappy! If it’s damaged my disc, you have to pay for a new one!”

    Me: “You must have pushed it into the gap yourself. I’m not buying you a replacement if it’s scratched.”

    Customer: “No. I. Didn’t. I told you I’m not a f****** moron. I know how to use a computer!”

    (I show the customer that the disc drive is a completely closed unit and not much bigger than a regular CD case.)

    Me: “So my computer’s disc drive somehow teleported your DVD outside of itself?”

    (At this point my regular completely loses control and laughs so hard I start to wonder if I’m going to need to call an ambulance. The customer snatches at his DVD, missing it and knocking it to the floor while he almost loses his balance and ends up standing on it before storming out. My regular finally manages to calm down enough to breathe properly.)

    Regular: “I saw him push it in there. I was waiting for that for 45 d*** minutes.”

    Grand Theft Promises

    | Oxford, MS, USA | Family & Kids, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a customer at a video game store, when a mother and her child, who can’t be more than seven, walk in.)

    Kid: “I want these games, Mom!” *hands her several sports games*

    Mom: “Okay, well, we’re gonna get them used because they’re cheaper.”

    Kid: “I also want this game!” *hands her ‘Grand Theft Auto IV’*

    Mom: “Well, here’s a used copy, so I guess it’s okay.”

    Me: *quietly, so the kid doesn’t hear* “Ma’am, I hate to interrupt, but Grand Theft Auto isn’t a game for children. In that game, you can buy a hooker, beat her up with a baseball bat, and steal her money.”

    Mom: “You can do what now? What’s this game about?”

    Me: “It’s about stealing cars and killing people. It’s not a game for children.”

    Mom: *to kid* “Hey! You promise you ain’t gonna do none o’ that?”

    Kid: “YEAH!”

    Mom: “Well, okay then!”


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