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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Some Customers Are Just Worth Recording

    , | Cupertino, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Technology

    (I’m working in the drive-thru.)

    Me: “Hi. Welcome to [restaurant]; what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Are… are you a recording?”

    Me: “Yup. I’m absolutely a prerecorded message to take your order and make your day just a little brighter!”

    Customer: “Oh. Well… I’ll have [order].”

    (The customers drive up to the window to pay. I look at them amusingly.)

    Me: “Am I a recording?”

    Customer: *laughs* “Sorry. You were just so chipper that we thought you were a recording!”

    Me: *chuckles* “It’s no problem. I’ve been up for three hours already and I’m loaded up on caffeine! Anyway, your order comes out to [total].”

    Customer: “Okay. So, if I drive off right now, do you get to keep the change?”

    Me: “Umm… That hasn’t happened before, so… maybe?”

    Customer: “Okay. Well, have a great day, then!”

    (The customers drive up to the next window to pick up their food. They very kindly leave me with a $15 tip!)

    Old TV’s Are Going Down The Tubes

    | Belgrade, Serbia | Extra Stupid, Movies & TV, Technology

    (My cable company has been offering to replace outdated external tuners, free of charge, for our customers who possess a newer generation of TVs. Not everyone does, however. They usually get mad because their TVs are not up to standards. This customer has an antiquated CRT TV.)

    Me: “Ma’am, your TV does not support this new technology. I’m sorry.”

    (I bring up my tablet and flag her as ‘incapable of supporting.’)

    Customer: “But you didn’t even look behind the TV. How can you know right from the door?”

    Me: “Because TVs with cathode ray tubes do not have the tuner and the access port I need to insert this module.”

    Customer: “But the TV is new. I bought it six months ago. Your message said that TVs bought three years ago or sooner have this.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. It says models no older than three years. It also says that those TVs have to be LCD, plasma or LED. Not CRT. This TV just does not have the hardware.”

    Customer: “Well, you’re a rude young man. I bet that you are just lazy. You want to finish work sooner, and go home and play those horrible video games.”

    (Losing patience, I show her how the module looks.)

    Me: “If I could replace your external tuner with this, I would.”

    (The customer snatches the module out from my hand and goes to the TV.)

    Customer: “I will show you that you can. You’ll see, you rude boy.”

    (She proceeds to try to shove the CA Module into every single hole in her TV casing that it has. She screams in triumph and looks at me.)

    Customer: “There! See, it fits.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s a cooling hole…”

    Check The Holodeck

    | Huntsville, AL, USA | Extra Stupid, Movies & TV, Technology

    (I work at a call center for a satellite TV company.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m not getting any picture on my TV.”

    Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience. I would be happy to try to help you resolve this.”

    (After going through some basic troubleshooting for several minutes, I’m finally able to determine that her satellite box isn’t connected to her television.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you’ll need to connect your box to your TV in order to see a picture.”

    Customer: “You’re lying! I’ve had your service for years. I’ve never had to hook up my TV!”

    (This customer had actually only just signed up for service a few days earlier.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid this company’s equipment has always needed to be connected to a television in order to display a picture.”

    Customer: “But I thought the box could make a picture above it – like a hologram or something.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if our equipment could do that, we would be charging you a lot more for your programming…”

    Gives New Meaning To ‘Phone Bill’

    | MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

    (A customer calls up asking to order reprints over the phone. She is very pleasant and the order is completed smoothly. She indicates that she would like to pay over the phone, which is fine. I go to the front phone and register to take her information and ring her out.)

    Me: “Okay. Your total comes to [total] with tax.”

    Caller: “I have four $20 bills.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you correctly. How would you like to pay?”

    Caller: “With cash. That way I can’t overspend. I have four $20 bills to use.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I cannot take cash over the phone. We take all major credit cards, or you can pay by cash when you pick up your order.”

    Caller: “No. This is ridiculous. You’ll be busy when I pick it up. I just want to pay now and get it out of the way.”

    Me: “I understand. We accept all major credit cards. I am ready whenever you are to complete the sale.”

    Caller: “I’m not giving you that! You’re just trying to steal my credit card! I want to pay cash!”

    Me: “If you would like to pay cash, you can come in and pay when you pick up the order. I cannot take cash over the phone.”

    Caller: “But I have cash! My husband can tell you I have it right here!”

    Me: “I believe you, but there is no way for me to accept your cash unless you come to the store in person. You are welcome to do that. Pre-paying is an option, not a requirement.”

    Caller: “I want to pay now!”

    (This continues for several minutes, until she finally decides to speak to my manager. Ultimately, she cancels the order, demanding that our company becomes more willing to accommodate multiple methods of payment in the future!)

    Can’t Pin Him Down To A Number, Part 2

    | QC, Canada | At The Checkout, Money, Technology

    (It’s Friday afternoon, and I am a customer waiting for my prescriptions in the waiting area of my pharmacy. The customer ahead of me, a gruff older man, is getting upset with the cashier over a problem with the card reader.)

    Customer: “I’m telling you, it’s not my card. It’s your machine!”

    Cashier: “Sir, you have to enter your PIN correctly—”

    Customer: “I KNOW how to enter my PIN! Your machines are wrong! This doesn’t happen to me anywhere else.”

    Cashier: “I don’t know what to tell you, sir. My machine has been functioning properly all day. Your transaction failed after you entered your PIN. Would you like to try it again?”

    Customer: “If I try it again, you better MAKE it work right! [Financial Institution] is going to freeze my card if I keep trying. I’m going away for the weekend so I NEED my card to work!”

    Cashier: “Well, I can’t put in your PIN for you, sir. So I can’t guarantee you it will work.”

    Customer: “This has happened the last two times I’ve been in here! I’ve been a customer here for 30 years and you’re saying it’s MY fault? Your machines are wrong! And now my card is going to be frozen until Monday!”

    Cashier: “I don’t know what else to tell you, sir. Let me get my manager.”

    (The cashier pages the manager, who arrives promptly.)

    Manager: “I understand there’s some trouble with your card, sir?”

    Customer: “The machine is messing up. It’s NOT my PIN. My card is going to be frozen and I’m going away this weekend!”

    Manager: “I understand, sir. If you have time to wait, I’ll call [Financial Institution, which is also responsible for card reader] and try to find out what’s going on.”

    (My manager dials the phone and explains the situation to tech support.)

    Manager: *on phone* “Uh-huh. I see.”

    Customer: “Ask them if my card is frozen!”

    Manager: *on phone* “So there’s no problem with our system? Alright. Thank you.”

    Customer: “Oh, wait. My PIN on this card is five digits. I only entered four!”

    Related:
    Can’t Pin Him Down To A Number

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