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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Best Left To His Own Company

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer is trying to return a computer he has had for over six months.)

    Me: “Sorry, you can’t return it now, but we may be able to fix it. What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t get online anymore.”

    (I start working on the computer, and find the antivirus has expired and locked down the browser. This is a sneaky trick some antivirus software does to get you to renew.)

    Me: “I removed your expired AV. Your browser is working. You will need new AV.”

    Customer: “Awesome, that’s great. Hey do you have those cameras that go up high?”

    Me: “…Cameras that go up high?”

    Customer: “Yeah, like those.”

    (He points to the store’s security cameras.)

    Me: “Oh, security cameras? No, we don’t sell anything like that.”

    Customer: “But [Other Store] sells them.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but we are a different company.”

    (As I answer him, the customer looks very strange; it’s as if he is no longer all there mentally. He begins muttering to himself.)

    Customer: “Different company? Diff-erent company… Different comp-any…”

    (The customer picks up his computer and walks off, all the while continuing to mutter and stare directly into the lights in the ceiling. After he leaves, my coworker speaks up.)

    Coworker: “…What just happened?”

    The Warranty Comes Warranted

    | Leicester, England, UK | Technology

    (A young customer comes wandering in during lunchtime, fiddling with the laptops on display.)

    Me: “Ma’am, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes, please. I’d like to buy a laptop.”

    Me: “Certainly. What would you be using it for?”

    Customer: “Facebook, Skype, iTunes, and Civilisation IV. And typing, I guess.”

    (I show her a sturdy Dell.)

    Customer: “Excellent, I’ll take it. Does it come with a warranty?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, Dell offers a standard one-year warranty.”

    Customer: “Uhm, would it be possible to get a… longer warranty?”

    Me: “We offer an additional three year full warranty for [amount] more.”

    Customer: “Does it cover… like… EVERYTHING? Like, maybe, falling down stairs, getting rolled over by suitcases, accidental cups of coffee?”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yes, Ma’am. Everything.”

    Customer: *sighs, resigned* “I’ll have the full warranty. Something tells me I’ll need it!”

    Free Lager For Free Labor

    | UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Technology

    (I’ve just fixed a customer’s laptop which had an issue outputting to a monitor. I decide not to charge him, as the problem is minor and the fix didn’t take very long.)

    Customer: “Thanks a lot for that. I appreciate it. Wait here a sec.”

    (The customer leaves the store and I continue serving customers. Half an hour later, he returns.)

    Customer: “Here you go, mate. Hope you drink lager!”

    (He puts a case of beer down on my counter and begins walking out.)

    Me: “Whaa… are you serious? What’s this for?”

    Customer: “For fixing my laptop!”

    Me: “I… I really appreciate it, but you didn’t need to—”

    Customer: “You fixed my problem quickly and with a smile. I’m not the best with technology but you were very patient with me, which is more than I can say about the staff over at [Competitor]. So enjoy that, and I’ll definitely be shopping here again!”

    (That guy made my shift!)

    Got Him On Collar ID

    | FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Caller: “Hello, I bought a shirt in your store earlier today and the sign said $12 but I was charged $17. I’d like to return it.”

    Me: “Oh goodness, I’m so sorry that happened to you! You can just come in and I’ll be more than happy to help you return that and make it right.”

    Caller: “I’d like to return it over the phone, though.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t return a shirt without the shirt itself.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “…”

    Caller: “Why not?”

    Condomning Consoling Behavior

    | ID, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work support for a well-known gaming system. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and it’s very slow due to everybody watching the game. However, we are getting plenty of prank calls.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    (Note: the caller sounds like he is 13 years old at the most.)

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. How do I put on a condom?”

    Me: “Um, this is [Game Console] tech support. I can only help with [Game Console]-related questions. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Well, you see, I wanted to have sex with my [Game Console], but I didn’t want to get it pregnant, so that’s why I need to know how to put on a condom.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I guess you’d be happy to know that it is only a machine and therefore cannot get pregnant.”

    Caller: “Aw, sweet!”

    Me: “But I do need to point out that any liquid damage due to any related activities would void the warranty, and our technicians would not be able to accept it for any future repairs.”

    Caller: *click*


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