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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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  • September Theme Of The Month: Return Of The Geeks!
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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Attempting To Mask Out Stupidity

    | Australia | Crazy Requests, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (Our store does basic restoration services.)

    Customer: “I have these photos of a masquerade ball.” *holds up photos with people with full masks on* “I need you to photoshop the masks off.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, it is impossible for me to remove a mask of the person.”

    Customer: “But I need to know who they are!”

    Me: “If you have a different photo of the peoples faces, I can photoshop their face on, but it is impossible to remove a mask on a still photograph.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. If CSI can do it why can’t you?”

    Artificial Unintelligence

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (It’s near closing. A coworker and I are doing some paperwork when a client comes in.)

    Client: “Do you use WordPress?”

    Coworker: “No.”

    Client: “Then what do you use?”

    Me: “For what exactly?”

    Client: “Web design.”

    Me: “Well, sir, none of us here do any web design.”

    Client: “Then what is the point of your job?”

    Coworker: “We fix computers.”

    Client: “Aw, man. Don’t you know you are gonna be replaced by robots?”

    Me: “What?”

    Client: “Yeah. They got these robots that look just like you or me. They can do everything. They even be secretaries. They can cross their legs and everything.”

    (The client attempts to cross his legs while standing and nearly falls down.)

    Me: “Sir, the robots currently available have very little AI and have mostly just mastered walking.”

    Client: “Man, don’t you know… THE ROBOTS ARE COMING!”

    Coworker: “When the robots break down, who will fix them?”

    Client: “Well, people, I guess.”

    Coworker: “That’s right! Adapt or die, baby!”

    Trying To Lend Color To The Argument

    | ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer comes to the counter with two sheets of black and white images she has printed from her computer.)

    Customer: “Can you scan these and get someone to put all the pictures together so they go with the writing I have?”

    Me: “Sure we can. Do you have these pages saved digitally?”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Do you have them saved on a computer somewhere? Or on a USB drive?”

    Customer: “Yeah, on my computer at home.”

    Me: “Did you want to save them to a USB drive first and use the digital files? It would be a much better quality.”

    Customer: “I don’t know what a USB drive is.”

    Me: “It’s just a way of saving files so that you can transfer them to a different computer.”

    Customer: “No. Just use my print out.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “But can you scan them in colour?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because those are black and white.”

    Customer: “So?”

    Me: “We can’t scan them in colour if there is no colour to scan.”

    Customer: “But they were in colour on my computer. So there’s colour in them.”

    Me: “Yes, there was colour on your computer, but you printed them in black and white. So when we scan the black and white print out, it’s going to be in black and white.”

    Customer: “But I want them in colour! I don’t understand why you can’t just change your scanner to the colour setting.”

    Me: “I could change it to the colour setting, but there is no colour on this page to scan. It’s all in greyscale, so it’s only going to scan it in greyscale.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “Because a scanner just scans what it sees. It can’t pick up something that isn’t there.”

    Customer: “But you have colour scanners!”

    Me: “Yes, that is used to scan colour pictures.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand why you can’t just scan it in colour!”

    Me: “Because it’s not a colour picture.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is! It was in colour before I printed it!”

    His Account Just Got Axed

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Money, Technology, Wild & Unruly

    Me: “Welcome to [Bank]. This is [Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “This d*** ATM wont give me my money, and now it’s eaten my card! I want you to get it back! NOW!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. May I have you member number please?”

    (The customer confirms the details.)

    Me: “I can see here, sir, that you have used another bank’s ATM, and that you entered the wrong PIN three times?”

    Customer: “It’s not my d*** fault I got my cards mixed up. Just get my card back!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, we are unable to access that machine for you. It does not belong to our bank, and you have used a machine that is not attached to another bank branch, so the card has been cancelled. I can order a new one straight away, but I need to advise you that there will be a fee.”

    Customer: “No. YOU will get my card back right now, or I will go to my car, get my axe, and chop up this machine!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Go ahead.”

    Customer: “What, what…? But I said that I’m going to get an axe!”

    Me: “I know you did, on someone else’s ATM, so it doesn’t really affect us does it? I should let you know that I have made notes of the threat you just made, though.”

    Customer: “I’ll close all my accounts! I’ll go to the branch right now.”

    Me: “You WILL close your accounts, sir. And I see from your notes that this was your final warning about threatening behavior. However, I suggest that you don’t approach any branch or staff member again, as you apparently have an axe. The police will be notified the moment you step foot in any of our branches. You will be sent a cheque in the mail. Thank you for calling [Bank].”

    Self Checkout Is Soul Destroying

    | MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Technology, Top

    (I am working the control center for the self checkouts when I overhear a customer having a conversation with the self checkout machine.)

    Self Checkout: “Are you using your own bags?”

    Customer: “NO. I’M USING THE SOULS OF SMALL CHILDREN. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?!”

    Self Checkout: “Please place the item in the bagging area.”

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