(A customer approaches me on the sales floor.)

Customer: “Hi…um…where are your Mi-cro-softs?”

Me: “Sorry, my Microsofts? Microsoft is a company.”

Customer: “Yeah. It’s on my list here, but I can’t find it in your store.”

Me: “Actually, they make a lot of stuff.”

Customer: “Yeah. Show me everything…”

(I proceed to go through everything Microsoft I can think of, including keyboards, mice, Word, Publisher, Excel, Powerpoint, operating systems, some basic card games, and clip art collections. We go back and forth, and eventually I show her Windows 7 and Office disks. In the end, she left the store without purchasing anything.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to take this plug and put it into that socket.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What is the shape and color of the plug and socket?”

Caller: “The plug is blue and square-shaped and the socket is a blue circle.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it doesn’t look like those plugs are compatible.”

Caller: “That’s not right. They’re both blue.”

Me: “Yes, but the plug is square and the socket is a circle. Square plugs usually won’t fit into a circle-shaped socket.”

Caller: “But they’re both blue and conduct electricity from this local area. That doesn’t make sense!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you do what you want to do. You need a square-shaped socket for it to happen.”

Caller: “Really? I’m not so sure you’re right. You sound rather confused, actually…”

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “So, like, I poured coffee on my keyboard, then put it on my radiator to dry it out, then ran it through the dishwasher, then through the dryer, but now when I type it does funny things. Do you think the coffee could have ruined it?”

(I have to place customer on mute to laugh for almost a minute while he elaborates on his story.)

Me: “Yes, sir, it does sound like your keyboard has physical damage and will need to be replaced.”

(I work for a major cable company troubleshooting internet problems over the phone. I am not sure if the customer in this story isn’t sober or just crazy, but he definitely isn’t right.)

Me: “All right…let’s reconnect the cables to your router and we’ll have you back up in no time.”

Customer: *distracted* “Hey, honey? How many fingers should I have?”

Wife: *in the background* “You have five on each hand.”

Customer: *panicking* “Oh, God! I’ve only got four and my thumb!” *to me* “I’m going to have to call you back. I need to dial 911 now!” *hangs up*

Me: “Good afternoon! Welcome to [store name]. How may I assist you?”

Customer: “My phone’s not working, and your service is crap.”

Me: “Well, I’d be more than happy to help you. Sorry for your inconvenience.”

Customer: “Just fix the d*** thing and stop talking!”

Me: *shocked* “Yes, sir.”

(After a few minutes of testing his device, I figure out the problem is that the phone simply has not been charged.)

Me: “Sir, your phone is dead. It needs to be charged. That’s why you weren’t able to place a call or turn the device on.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***. I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: “I am the manager, sir.”

Customer: “But you’re a woman!”

Me: “Yes, sir, last time I checked, I was.”

Customer: *very condescendingly* “Your place is in the kitchen. I want to speak with a male!”

Me: *speechless*