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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Big Brother Is A Big Bother

    | FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Politics, Technology

    (Our company sells high-tech gadgets for use with RC planes and helicopters, such as GPS locators and infrared sensors.)

    Customer: “Hello. I’m trying to order your GPS unit, but I don’t want to put my credit card number online.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t have a way to take a credit card order over the phone. The only thing I could do is bring up the website and enter it there myself.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not putting my credit card number out on the Internet!”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you that entering your credit card information on our encrypted website is much more secure than reading it off to me over the telephone. But we also take PayPal, if you don’t want to involve your credit card at all.”

    Customer: *grumbling* “Okay.” *hangs up*

    Coworker: *overhearing the conversation* “Did someone have a security issue with the website?”

    Me: “No, he just wants military satellites to be able to track his model airplane’s precise location… but he’s afraid of e-commerce.”

    Rage Against The Machine, Part 3

    | USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I have finished ringing up a customer’s purchase when he is paying with a debit card at the card reader. My computer tells me the customer clicked the ‘cancel’ button on the machine.)

    Me: “Sir, please re-slide your card and press the green button for credit.”

    Customer: *to his wife* “They should make these things all work the same way.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Honey, it says right there to press the green button for credit.”

    Customer: “I shouldn’t be expected to read that.”

    Related:
    Rage Against The Machine, Part 2
    Rage Against The Machine

    Honesty Unplugged

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Caller: “Hello, my— Oh, s***, wait. Never mind, I forgot to plug it in. I swear I’m getting dumber every year.” *click*

    Me: “… Well, all right, then.”

    (Wrong numbers notwithstanding, that was the shortest call of my career.)

    Pull The Plug On The Appointment

    | WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a fireplace store. I take a call from a customer.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the fan on my stove isn’t working.”

    Me: “Oh, no. That’s not good!”

    Customer: “Yeah. So what’s wrong with it?”

    Me: “Well, hard to say over the phone. It could be a number of things. If you’d like I can set up a service appointment and have one of our techs check it out. Please be aware that we are booked out about two weeks.”

    Customer: “Seriously!? What the h***! I’m cold!”

    Me: “Well, you have to option to bring the fan into our shop; it’s cheaper and you can do that pretty much anytime.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not really comfortable working on this thing.”

    Me: “Is your stove working?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “So just your fan isn’t operating? ”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Does it make any noises or grinding sounds?”

    Customer: “It’s not doing anything at all. I just got this fan two years ago, I’ll be very unhappy with you if it’s broken already.”

    Me: “I hate to ask it, but just to make sure, have you checked to make sure that it’s plugged in?”

    (The customer completely goes off on me, calling me all kinds of names. I have permission from my boss to hang up on people who are rude to me without cause but at this point I’m not sure what to do. I let him finish his rant and just change the subject.)

    Me: “Do you want to schedule for [date two weeks from now]?”

    Customer: “I guess. How much is a service call?”

    Me: “$150.”

    Customer: “That’s outrageous!”

    Me: “Sir, we’re the cheapest around here and we’re booked out because when you’re good, you’re busy.”

    Customer: “Fine. I’ll take it but this is ridiculous. You guys are con men, ripping off old people like me.”

    (We hang up and less than an hour later, I get another call from him.)

    Customer: “Hi. Um, not sure if I talked to you earlier, but um this is… and I, um, checked with my wife and it looks like she unplugged the fan to plug in the Christmas tree lights. So, uh, I’d like to cancel my appointment. Um, thank you.” *click*

    Welcome To Hell 2.0

    | NC, USA | Awesome Customers, Religion, Technology

    (A customer calls in to fix a strange glitch with his software. After going through about fifteen minutes’ worth of all the usual troubleshooting steps, the issue still hasn’t been fixed. I’m baffled, until I remember I missed a somewhat obvious step.)

    Me: “Oh! You know, there’s one other thing we can check. Have you run a software update recently? If the program’s a bit out of date, that might be what’s causing the glitch.”

    Caller: “Oh, I’m pretty sure it’s all up-to-date, but let me check.”

    (He checks. Sure enough, there’s an update waiting. It takes about two minutes to install, and then the software works fine.)

    Caller: “I really should have checked that before I called, huh?”

    Me: “Oh, no, I should have asked you about it first thing. That one was all on me!”

    Caller: *laughs* “Ah, well, I guess we’re both going to Hell!”

    Me: *laughing with him* “Hey, at least we’ll be in good company!”

    Caller: “Oh, sure! I’ll see you across a lake of fire and go, ‘Oh, hey, it’s that tech support girl… Well, I know why she’s here!’”

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