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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Nothing You Can Say In Reply

    | Madison, WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Caller: “Yes, I sent this request in to update the new rates weeks ago, and I still haven’t seen anything done about it!”

    Me: “Okay, how did you submit that information to us?”

    Caller: “I replied to the email from you people asking for the information of course!”

    Me: “You replied? Ma’am, we send emails from an unattended inbox called ‘Do Not Reply.’ Did you reply to donotreply@****.com?”

    Caller: “Yea, I suppose that was the email address. Why?”

    Me: “Well, first off, it’s from ‘Do Not Reply’ and in the email, it reiterates that this is an unattended inbox. It directs you to several other means of submitting that information with big bold letters that say ‘DO NOT REPLY.’”

    Caller: “Well how was I supposed to know that?!”

    Please Dial Down The Dumb

    | TN, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

    (I work customer service for a cell phone company.)

    Me: “How can I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my friend bought me a tablet, but I keep getting this bill. Why?”

    Me: “I see that you’re using the Samsung Galaxy, right?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “That’s okay; what you actually have is a smart phone. It’s like a touch screen computer you can make calls on, but it is a cell phone and comes with a monthly bill.”

    Customer: “You can’t make calls on this; it’s a computer! Stop billing me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but do you see the green icon that looks like a phone on your screen? Tap that. What do you see?”

    Customer: “A keypad.”

    Me: “That’s how you make phone calls; you just dial the number.”

    Customer: “This proves nothing! I know a computer when I see one! This is a tablet, and I’m not paying anything!”

    When Humans Fail The Turing Test

    , | Hertfordshire, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology

    (I work on the drive thru.)

    Me: “Hi there, can I take your order?”

    Customer: “HELLO?”

    Me: “Hi, can I take your order please?”

    Customer: “CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I can hear you. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I WANT TO PLACE AN ORDER.”

    Me: “Umm, yeah, can I take your order please?”

    Customer: “CAN I PLACE MY F****** ORDER?”

    Me: “Sir, can you hear me? I’m asking for your order?”

    Customer: “OF COURSE I CAN F****** HEAR YOU! I’M NOT DEAF! I JUST WANT A CHEESEBURGER! THAT’S ALL I WANT!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, drive to the first window to pay.”

    (The customer drives around, and looks furious. He pays by card.)

    Customer: “It says ‘insert card’.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Well, does that mean now?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir, please insert your card and follow the instructions.”

    Customer: “Well now it’s saying ‘please wait’!”

    Me: “Yes, the machine is just checking your card. Please wait.”

    Customer: “‘Insert pin,’ does it mean the pin for this card, or my credit card?”

    Me: “It means insert your pin for the card in the machine.”

    (The customer finally pays and drives off, only to return moments later.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, can I help?”

    Customer: “HELLO?! HELLO ORDER-ROBOT! THIS CHEESEBURGER HAS PICKLES; I DON’T WANT PICKLES! AND I DIDN’T GET MY FRIES AND DRINK! ORDER-ROBOT, WHO DO I SPEAK TO?”

    Me: “Sir, you can speak to me! I’m a person not a robot. We can correct your order for you, but you only got a cheeseburger because that’s what you ordered.”

    Customer: “ORDER ROBOT, I WANT KETCHUP FOR MY FRIES! F****** machines are useless!”

    Stupid To The Nines

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I call customers to let them know when there are problems with their alarms.)

    Me: “I was just calling to let you know that I received a—”

    Customer: “Yeah, my alarm’s beeping and I don’t know why.”

    Me: “Has the power been out in the last 24 hours?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it just came back on.”

    Me: “Alright, well, it’s letting you know that it didn’t have power. If you press and hold the nine key, that should clear it right out.”

    (I hear sounds as the customer appears to fumble with the phone and something in the background.)

    Customer: “I don’t see it. Which one is the nine key?”

    (I pause awkwardly, trying to think of a way to answer without being a smart-a**.)

    Customer: “Oh, it’s the one besides the eight isn’t it? You said to press and hold it? That worked, thanks!”

    Bill Of Rights Makes Up For All The Wrongs

    | USA | At The Checkout, Money, Technology, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [wireless company]; my name is [me]. May I have your first and last name, please?”

    Customer: “I just want to make sure I’m reading my bill right. It’s my second bill, but I just want to make sure I understand what I am paying for.”

    Me: “Sure, what questions do you have?”

    Customer: “So, I see that the first bill is $260.71. That has, I assume, the activation charges. It looks like my first month from June 6 through July 5, as well as the two days before from the previous bill cycle before my regular one started, and was due on July 1, right?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

    Customer: “Alright, and so then the current bill here for $176.20 is for July 6 through August 5 and is due on August 1, and the late fee for not having the first bill paid on time, right?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, absolutely.”

    Customer: “Okay, so if I pay the $260.71 today, I won’t have to pay anything else until the first, and I also won’t get an interruption?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Okay, I just wanted to make sure I understood it all. Thanks!”

    Me: “No problem, ma’am, so… thank you for reading and understanding your bill.”

    Customer: “You expected me to yell at you, didn’t you?”

    Me: “Honestly? Yes.”

    Customer: “I used to work in a bank, so I know what it’s like to be yelled at, especially when the issue isn’t your fault. After working there, I never yell at customer service reps, because I remember being there, myself.”

    Me: “On behalf of all of us here at [company], thank you. Let me waive that late fee.”

    Customer: No! No! Don’t waive it! I didn’t pay; it’s only fair I get the late fee!”

    Me: “Too late.”

    Customer: “It really meant that much?”

    Me: “You made my night. Have a good one!”


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