Category: Technology

The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

New Degrees Of Misunderstanding

| Wales, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work for a large UK retailer, who has just released a new tablet computer, providing technical support for the product. We’re encouraged to keep customers on the line during the first time setup. This happens just at the start of the call, when selecting a wireless network to connect to.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. You’ll now see a screen that says ‘Select WiFi.’ Please find your home network connection and select it for me.”

Customer: “Found it! It’s asking for my password, I’ll just type that in… It says ‘Authenticating.’ Why is it saying that?”

(This always means the password was put in wrong. Usually it’s because the customer’s holding the tablet in landscape, and mistypes it.)

Me: “You might’ve accidentally typed the password in wrong. Forget the network and try again. Might I ask how you’re holding the [Tablet] right now?”

Customer: *sigh* “Landscape.”

Me: “Okay, if you could just hold it in portrait for me, just for this step.”

Customer: *long pause* “…How do I do that?”

Me: “Um… you turn it 90 degrees, ma’am. So that the camera’s on the side, instead of the top.”

Customer: *longer pause* “This is too complicated for me! I give up!” *click*

Yelling To A Fault

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Awesome Customers, Technology

Employee: “Hi, this is [Company]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I can’t connect to the Internet. I’ve checked my modem, and I think it’s working. Can you help me?”

Employee: “Let me check your location. Ah. A bolt of lightning hit a transformer in your area and fried the server. It’ll be out of commission for at least a few hours, I’m afraid.”

Me: “Bummer! Okay, thanks.”

Employee: “…That’s it? You’re not going to yell at me?”

Me: “Uh, no. It’s not your fault.”

Employee: “Well, yeah, but that’s never stopped anyone before!”

Should Stick To Interwebs Exploder

| Helsinki, Finland | Funny Names, Technology

Me: “So what browser you’re using?”

Caller: “I used to have Mozzarella, but now I’m using Wirevox.”

(I couldn’t resolve customer’s problem just over the phone, so I established a remote access connection to their computer. They used IE.)

Rudely Out Of (Con)Text

| MA, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

(To cater to our deals-obsessive demographics, we have text-messaging promotions where you can receive coupons on the spot. These are used in conjunction to meet our daily quota of pushing certain items such as our own brand garment bags. A 60-year-old man is buying suits and having them altered. I am ringing him up.)

Me: “Would you like to get a garment bag?”

Customer: “How much are they?”

Me: “The retail price is [higher amount], but if you use your phone, you can get it for [lower amount].”

Customer: “Sure thing! Would you help me? I’m not that handy with smartphones.”

(I give him the instructions, and it looks like his texting has reached its limit, so it won’t go through. I explain this to him.)

Me: “I don’t think it’s going to work. It seems like your service plan doesn’t allow it.”

Customer: “But I have [Provider]! Would you help me? I’m 60 years old and my grandchildren are way ahead of me in this area.”

(At this point I see that every text that had been blocked because of the plan’s limits is going straight to his notifications, of which there were thousands. I pull down the notification menu and scroll down. At several points I notice that there are notifications that are titled ‘Download complete: pornvid.mpeg.’ He immediately takes his phone from my hands.)

Me: “Maybe I could try one more time, but it doesn’t seem like it will take.”

Customer: “No, but I would really like the bag!”

(He goes back to his phone and taps on the Internet app instead of the messaging app. His most recent tab was an adult website. He angles the phone away from my eyes.)

Me: “You should hit the Home button.”

(He hits the Home button and then hits the Internet app again, and the same website pops up again. Again, he angles the screen away from my eyes.)

Me: “Now let’s try again…”

(At this point a line has formed. He eventually asks if a manager can help him and in the end is able to get the bag without doing the text message promotion. Later, after I regale the tale to the manager.)

Manager: “I hope he washed his hands before coming here.”

Me: “Thanks for reminding me that I touched his phone…”

666 Error

| Bluffton, SC, USA | Religion, Technology, Theme Of The Month

Customer: “I’d like to return this laptop computer.”

Me: “Okay, do you have your original receipt?”

(The customer produces the receipt.)

Me: “Ma’am, this computer was purchased six months ago. It is outside of our return policy. Is there something wrong with it, that we might be able to fix at [Repair Center]?”

Customer: “My computer is possessed by the devil and I need to return it. Jesus told me I need to return it.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Customer: *getting frantic* “I was on my computer during that storm last week and after a loud lightning strike Jesus appeared before me and told me that my computer is possessed by the devil and I needed to return it immediately. Please, you need to take this computer from me. It’s possessed!”

(At this point my coworkers at customer service are starting to stare, along with other customers in line.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but your computer is outside return policy. I can’t take it back. I can have [Repair Center] take a look at it and maybe we can figure out what the problem is—”

Customer: “NO! They can’t fix it; it’s possessed! I need to return it and get it out of my house! I don’t want the devil in my house! PLEASE, you must take it!”

(At this point, the manager and loss prevention person had come over to escort this lady out of the store. As she was being led out, she tried to cast some sort of voodoo spell on the staff. A supposedly Christian lady tried to cast a voodoo curse on us because we wouldn’t return her possessed computer. She left it and never came back for it.)

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