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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Business Center Is Out Of Business

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging, Technology, Wild & Unruly

    (The door to our business center is always closed and locked to keep out non-guests who have, in the past, put viruses on the computers. To open it, the guest must ask the front desk. There is a sign.)

    Guest: *tries to open the door* “Come ON!”

    Me: “Sir—”

    (The guest begins punching the door so violently that the door and door lock instantly break. As if nothing has happened, the guest wanders back to the front desk.)

    Guest: “The business center door is broken.”

    Me: “Gee, I wonder why…”

    This Method Of Customer Service Should Go Viral

    | Reno, NV, USA | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I am working at the call center of a major bank. Usually we only handle questions regarding savings or checking accounts, but, in order to save customers time and aggravation, we are ‘encouraged’ to try to answer questions that more properly should be answered by a different department.)

    Customer: “I’m trying to log onto my account, but it just keeps asking for my username and password.”

    (I mute the call and turn to a co-worker who is monitoring the call queue.)

    Me: “How bad is the wait for online customer care?”

    Coworker: “35 minutes; it’s been climbing all night.”

    (I take the customer off mute.)

    Me: “Normally I would transfer you to online customer care, but let’s see if we can figure this out without you being on hold longer. Is your caps lock light on?”

    Customer: “No.”

    (I go through all of the steps, and none of the usual errors seem to be a problem. I then recall an email that had gone around the company a few weeks before, about some malware and phishing attempts going on, and our bank is one of the targets.)

    Me: “Sir, do you know what the address bar is on your browser?”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “Up near the top of the screen, a long thin white rectangle, with letters inside? The letters should start with ‘http’?”

    Customer: *pause* “Yes, I see it.”

    (By this time my supervisor has noticed how long the call is taking and has come over to listen in.)

    Me: “Can you read off the letters after the two slash marks?”

    (As the customer begins to read the letters, I figure out the problem.)

    Me: “Sir, that’s not our website.”

    Customer: “But it’s got your logo on it.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. It’s a website that is supposed to look like our website, in order to steal your information.”

    Customer: “But it’s your logo.”

    (This continues for several minutes until the customer finally gets it.)

    Customer: “So what can I do?”

    Me: “You need to run antivirus software to make sure it isn’t a virus or malware. If you don’t know how to do that, I would recommend you get a professional to check out your computer.”

    Customer: “Can’t you recommend the software I could use?”

    Me: “Sir, we are a bank; I can’t give you advice about which software to use.”

    Supervisor: “Send him over to online customer care.”

    Coworker: “The wait’s gone up to 75 minutes.”

    Me: “Sir, can I place you on hold for a moment?”

    (I place him on hold and turn to my supervisor.)

    Me: “You want me to get him off the line right?”

    Supervisor: “The call’s already too long.”

    Me: “You want me to do whatever it takes to get him off the line?”

    Supervisor: “Yes! Just don’t hang up on him!”

    Me: *takes the customer off hold* “Sir, I’ve just asked our technicians, and they tell me that if you don’t take the computer in to a professional, the virus could infect any children in the house, and they could wind up paralyzed for life.”

    Customer: “Oh, my god! Can I take it into [Big Name Electronics Retailer]?”

    Me: “Yes, their computer department can scan and fix your computer. They do it all the time.”

    Customer: “Oh, my god. Thank you so much! You’re the best customer service guy I’ve ever talked to!”

    Me: “I’m glad I was able to help.” *turn to my supervisor as he stares at me in horror* “Happy?”

    Taxing Faxing, Part 13

    | London, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Customer: “Did you get the order I faxed you over?  I haven’t heard back from you.”

    Me: “Yes, I did get it and tried to fax you a pro forma back, but it kept ringing out.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I always unplug the fax machine after I send a fax.”

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing, Part 12
    Taxing Faxing, Part 11
    Taxing Faxing, Part 10

    Directionless Wireless

    | Sheffield, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in technical support for an ISP. During a call with a customer the following conversation transpired.)

    Customer: “Your router isn’t very good is it? I can only get wireless signal downstairs.”

    Me: “Well, it is a very basic router. Is your house fairly old, as in having rather thick walls and ceilings?”

    Customer: “That’s right.”

    Me: “That would be why. The signal is struggling to get through. You can always look into a more powerful router or a booster, maybe?”

    Customer: “But… I don’t understand. I leave the door open so it can get upstairs.”

    Following Blind Orders

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in internal computer support. One afternoon I get a call from an older gentleman.)

    Me: “[Company] help desk. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Make the information available. Do it.”

    Me: “What information do you need?”

    Caller: “Just do it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I need a little more context here. What are you calling about?”

    Caller: “The email said to call you and make the information available so I am calling you!”

    Me: “The information about what? What email are you referring to? What is the topic?”

    Caller: “I have no idea. I was just following orders!” *hangs up*

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