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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Acrimonious Acronyms

    | Middletown, RI, USA | At The Checkout, Technology

    (A customer pulls out his credit card to pay for his purchase. We cashiers have to push a button on the computer before the card reader will work.)

    Me: “Will that be debit or credit?”

    Customer: “Credit.”

    Me: “Okay, wait for the green light then slide your card through the machine.”

    Customer: *slides card before the green light comes on then stares at the machine* “It didn’t work.”

    Me: “That’s okay. Just slide your card again now that the green light is on.”

    Customer: “Oh, yeah. You did say to wait for the green light. I have an acronym for that. FTFD!”

    Me: “FTFD?”

    Customer: “Follow the f****** directions!”

    Time To Call It A Day

    | Chicago, IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Technology

    (We have a sign posted on the counter informing customers to hang up their phones before conducting business. Often, they ignore this. A customer comes up, talking on his cellphone. I am not required to address him while he’s on the phone. He talks and talks for minutes, staring at me. Finally…)

    Customer: “Hold up, baby.” *to me* “Yo, you gonna help me?”

    Me: “Oh, sure, sir. Once you’re finished with your phone call.”

    Customer: “I can do both!”

    Me: “Sir, perhaps you missed the sign, but we will not conduct business with you while you are in the middle of a personal phone call.”

    Customer: “You a rude motherf*****! I wanna talk to your manager!”

    (I walk over tell my manager what’s up. The manager comes over and the customer is on his phone AGAIN.)

    Customer: “Hold on, baby.” *to manager* “Yeah, this guy was very rude to me and is refusing to help me. He should be fired!”

    (My manager looks at him.)

    Manager: “Who are you talking to?”

    Customer: “My wife.”

    Manager: “Can I speak to her?”

    Customer: “Why you wanna talk to her?”

    Manager: “Well, if I’m going to fire this guy, I need another witness, and since you ignored the sign that explicitly tells you to hang up your phone we have a second witness, and I want to get her account of what happened.”

    Customer: “Y’all’s a bunch of ignorant motherf*****s! I hope this motherf***** burns down! You just lost a customer!”

    (The customer storms off. An hour later I get a call from another dealership saying a guy came in and was cursing us out. But apparently, he learned to stay off his phone!)

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 9

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Underaged

    (It’s the weekend after the release of ‘Grand Theft Auto V,’ and demand for it is high. It’s my first call of the day, and quickly I realise it’s an under-18 boy trying to place an order.)

    Me: “Good Evening. [Company]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

    Underage Customer: *squeaking* “Hi there. I’m wondering if it’s possible to order Grand Theft Auto V, please.”

    Me: *smiling* “Absolutely. However, I’m required to warn you that an adult over the age of 18 must be present to sign for the delivery of the item, and that adult will be told exactly what’s being delivered before they sign for it. Is that okay?”

    Underage Customer: *still squeaking* “F****** d***! F***!” *click*

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 8
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 7
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 6
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 5
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 4
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
    Grand Theft Innocence

    Queen Of Hearts On Line Two

    | MT, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (I’m doing troubleshooting with a customer, mostly to see if I can figure out what’s wrong with her washer. She’s just unplugged it for one minute and plugged it back in.)

    Me: “Okay, let’s try to get it to fill up with water, and then manually switch it to a point in the cycle where it drains.”

    Caller: “Okay! I’ll do a speed wash, then you can call me back in 20 minutes when it’s done!”

    Me: “Great idea!”

    (I hear beeping in the background, and I’m assuming this is the machine beginning the cycle.)

    Caller: “Oh, no! I think we broke it more!”

    Me: *panicking* “Oh, no! What’s it doing?”

    Caller: “Now the water isn’t even filling up! All the hoses are connected and everything!”

    Me: “Oh, no! Well, I’ll go ahead and set up you for service then.”

    Caller: “You were supposed to fix it, not make it worse! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

    (The caller yells the last bit, and I jump so badly I fall out of my chair and knock my headset off. When I pick it back up, I hear her laughing.)

    Caller: “Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry I scared you! I was only fooling!”

    Me: “That’s okay. I’m awake now.”

    Just Crushed Her Saga

    , | USA | Money, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, ma’am. I do believe there’s a fraudulent charge on my account.”

    Me: “Oh, no! Let’s see what we can do. Which item is fraudulent?”

    Customer: “The $29.99 charge on January ninth.”

    (I scroll down to the charge and then I notice the woman’s account is completely over-run with $0.99 charges to Google. When people get customer debit card numbers, they often make small purchases so they customer won’t notice, but this is completely insane.)

    Me: *ignoring the Google charges for the time being* “Okay, I see the $29.99 charge. Do you want me to file a dispute on this item?”

    Customer: “Oh! Oh, now wait, honey. I know what it is. I forgot I ordered that purse from the TV.” *laughs* “Never mind. I didn’t mean to waste your time! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Wait, ma’am, hold on. I’m glad you figured out that charge was legitimate, but I do need to ask you… Um, are you aware there are multiple small transactions to Google on your account? I mean, they go all the way back for at least three months. I’m seeing so many I can’t count them all!”

    Customer: “Oh, honey, I know. My husband tells me I need to stop!”

    Me: “Stop, ma’am? Stop what?”

    Customer: “Oh, you know. Ain’t you ever felt so swag you just had to play Candy Crush at three am?”

    Me: *blink* “No, ma’am. Can’t say that I have.”

    Customer: “Oh, I just get so mad. I just gotta beat that level!”

    Me: *laughs* “Well, hey, we all gotta unwind somehow!”

    Customer: “How much I spent on Candy Crush anyhow? $50?”

    Me: *tallying it all up* “Um… it looks like approximately $767.87 in three months.”

    (There is a prolonged silence.)

    Customer: “HOW MUCH!?”

    Me: “$767.87, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh honey, don’t you tell my husband. He already mad at me as it is. Oh well! Thanks, baby, you have a great night!”

    (The customer had well over $15,000 in her regular checking account so I suppose she wasn’t missing it too badly!)

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