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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Projecting Stupidity On To Others

    | FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Movies & TV, Technology

    (I’m standing outside an auditorium waiting for the last customers to leave so I can begin cleaning. A man holding a child comes out, irate.)

    Customer: “If I didn’t have my kid with me right now, I’d be kicking somebody’s a**!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Was there a problem?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Tell your guy up in the booth to stop shining f****** lights in people’s faces! My wife was looking for something! I don’t care if we were standing in front of people! The movie was over!”

    (I have no idea what he’s talking about. We only have one story to the building and no one was manning the projectors at the time.)

    Me: “Sir, I—”

    (At this point my manager cuts me off.)

    Manager: “Yes, sir. I’ll have a talk with him. We’re sorry.”

    Customer: “Good! Next time I’m kicking somebody’s a** if he shines a light in my face!” *walks away*

    Me: “What in the world was he talking about?!”

    (The manager gestures to follow him to where the guy was sitting and points back toward the window near the ceiling where the movie was projected. The customer had stood while the credits were playing and having stood, was in the glow of the light. He had looked back and blinded himself by looking at it.)

    Any Data Port In A Storm

    | Gulf Shores, AL, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (It is shortly after a Hurricane Katrina. We caught some heavy winds and high water. The customer is in a beach-front condo. Tier one customer support has just forwarded me this customer’s ticket and call.)

    Me: “This is tier three support. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I have a really dumb question.”

    Me: “That’s okay. I work in IT. I’m used it them.”

    Customer: “Okay. I’m in [Condo] and there’s no power. My laptop has a good battery though. Is my internet out because of the power outage?”

    Me: “Yes. Our equipment is tied into the building power. Can I ask how you’re in [Condo]? The entire first floor is blown out and under water.”

    Customer: “I stayed here during the storm. Dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I’m trapped and bored.”

    Me: “Do you need me to contact rescue?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. Thank you. They know I’m here. I waved to them this morning.”

    (I talked to the customer for another hour because neither of us were busy. I wonder how long he was trapped there. Our service didn’t restore for at least three weeks.)

    Problem Exists Between Caller And Afterlife

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I have been trying to help a customer solve a common and easily-fixed issue, but he has been arguing at every point, insisting that his computer is broken beyond repair and we owe him a new, free computer. This is despite the fact that he is several years out of his warranty, and I’ve already granted an exception to help him over the phone, because of the simplicity of the issue.)

    Me: “I know this process can sometimes be frustrating, sir, but if you can work with me just a few minutes more, then we’ll have your computer just the way you like it again.”

    Caller: “I don’t have time for this! You people broke my computer, and owe me a new one. I’m not going to jump through all these hoops just to have it break again tomorrow!”

    Me: “Sir, I understand, but—”

    Caller: “This is appalling customer service. You are refusing to grant me a very simple request. [Famous Founder of Company] will be very disappointed that I’m being treated like this!”

    Me: “Um, sir—”

    Caller: “I’m a close friend of his! In fact, we’re having lunch tomorrow—”

    Me: “Sir—”

    Caller: “I’m going to tell him all about this and you’re going to get fired!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: “Not so smug now, are you?”

    Me: “Sir, I regret to inform you, but [Founder] passed away a little over two years ago now.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “There was a film about it.”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “I understand it’s painful, having to hear about your close friend from me, rather than the family, but I didn’t want you to be waiting for him at your lunch tomorrow.”

    Caller: *click*

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 8

    | Helsinki, Finland | At The Checkout, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m a customer at a popular independent games store in Helsinki. The store is very busy at the moment. I’m third in line when a customer storms in and rushes to the counter.)

    Customer: “Hey! I want my money back!”

    (The cashier completely ignores him, and keeps serving the customer whose actual turn it is.)

    Customer: “Hey! Nerd! I’m talking to you!”

    (The cashier still ignores him and serves the next customer.)

    Customer: “F****** nerd! Listen to me!”

    (When I am next in line the customer tries to grab the cashier’s hand. He manages to avoid this. The cashier looks at me as if asking for permission to deal with the angry customer. I nod and the cashier finally talks to the angry customer.)

    Cashier: “There is no way that you are going to get any help from me before I finish serving all these other customers who are politely waiting in line.”

    Customer: “F*** that! I have a complaint and I want my money back! Serve me now or you’re going to get your a** kicked!”

    (The customer is a big man and the cashier is quite small and skinny. Luckily, at 6’6″ I am even bigger, and having played hockey all my life I’m quite fit as well.)

    Me: “No, he is not going to get his a** kicked.”

    (The customer turns to me to yell something, but as he sees me he goes quiet. He turns to back to the cashier and continues his rant in a much calmer but still angry and derogatory tone.)

    Customer: “Listen, you little s***. I want my money back from this game.”

    (He waves a copy of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’.)

    Cashier: “I absolutely refuse to serve you before all these other customers, who are being patient and polite. You will get service from me after everyone who acts nicer than you has been helped first.”

    Customer: “Get me your manager! Now!”

    Cashier: “I am the owner. Now you go to the back of the line.”

    (The customer starts to say something, but I push past him in a not very gentle way. He goes to the back of the line muttering. I buy my game but decide to stay in the store until the angry customer leaves. When it’s finally his turn he slams the game on the counter.)

    Customer: “Money back!”

    (The cashier opens the case and looks at the game.)

    Cashier: “Looks perfect to me. Why do you want your money back?”

    Customer: “The game is totally inappropriate for my son! No one told me it was so violent when I bought it!”

    Cashier: “I clearly remember you buying it. You had your son with you, who looked to be about 10 years old. I told you it has sex, killing, torture, crime, and drugs in it. I advised you several times not to buy it. You even told me it was for you, not your son. My guess is that the boy’s mother threw a fit after seeing the game and now you are taking it out on me. You will not get your money back. Ever. And you are not welcome in my store anymore.”

    Customer: “Look here, you little—”

    (I have walked to stand behind the customer. I cough and he turns to me and goes pale. He leaves without saying a word.)

    Cashier: “Thanks, man!”

    Me: “No problem, I love the way you handled him. Maybe a little provocative but he deserved every minute of it.”

    Cashier: “He was a complete a**hole when he bought the game, and the minute I saw him today I guessed what his issue was. Customers like that are the reason I started my own store. I hate to see bullies get special treatment for acting threatening and being difficult, while all the nice customers wait. I try to be as slow and difficult as possible to customers like him. Honestly, their business is not worth it.”

    (The store is still thriving. I guess there are still enough nice customers out there!)

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 7
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 6
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 5
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 4
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
    Grand Theft Innocence

    A Feint Complaint

    | London, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (We’ve been really busy lately. Senior management won’t approve any extra staff, so we’ve been getting a lot of abuse from customers. Because most of them want to complain about the wait before letting us get on with fixing the problem, this just puts our wait times up further.)

    Me: “I understand completely, sir. You’re right. I don’t think this is at all acceptable. I’ve been quite happy working here for the last few years, but I’m now looking for other jobs. I would, frankly, be delighted if you would put in a formal complaint to our senior management about this, because I assure you, all we want to do is fix our users issues, and instead we’re wasting a lot of our time trying to calm people down about the wait. None of us are being allowed holiday requests, we often don’t get our breaks, most of us are coming in when we’re ill, and we’re all doing overtime,. The management won’t approve any extra staff because while customers are quite happy to yell at us about it – people who, let’s be realistic, can do NOTHING about the situation – nobody seems to want to complain officially so that something might be done. About the only thing I can think of to say that might improve how you feel about the wait times is that at least you don’t work here.”

    (After a brief silence, the caller outlines the problem.)

    Me: “Right, so you’re having the issue mentioned on our recorded message which tells you to download the patch from our web site. I take it you’ve done so and it hasn’t resolved the issue?”

    Caller: “No. They just put those messages on to get people off the phones. They never change. It’s always ‘download the patch’!”

    Me: “Well, you’re right about that in a way, yes. We put those messages on so that people who have the issue mentioned don’t have to wait in a queue to be told they need to install the patch, and thereby increase the wait time for our other customers with issues that take more investigation. I assure you, the messages are changed regularly to reflect the current situation.”

    Caller: “What do you know about the messages? You don’t have to listen to them!”

    Me: “Actually, I do. I call every line to ensure that the message is clear right after I record them, which, incidentally, was on my lunch break yesterday. I’m surprised you don’t recognise my voice, as you’ve been listening to me for the last hour.”

    (Unfortunately, the caller still didn’t put in a complaint, and we still don’t have any more staff.)


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