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  • Retort Against Those Who Extort
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  • September Theme Of The Month: Return Of The Geeks!
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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    He’s Driving an ’05 Pontiac Paradox

    | Salisbury, MD, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I receive a call from a customer who speaks in a completely serious, business-like tone.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [National Auto Parts Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. What are you working on today?”

    Customer: “I have a 2005 Pontiac Grand Prix, and I need a Flux Capacitor.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Did you say you need a Flux Capacitor?”

    Customer: “Yes. Do you have one?”

    Me: “No, the only one who has one of those would be ‘Doc Brown.’”

    Customer: “Where are they located?”

    Me: “Well, I’m not sure where he is at this point in time…”

    Their Service’s Days Are Numbered

    | CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (The restaurant I work at has a rewards program that is linked to the customer’s phone number. Occasionally, they receive text messages about various promotions.)

    Customer: “I haven’t received any text messages lately for the rewards program. I used to get them all the time.”

    Me: “That’s weird! I wonder what happened? Would you like us to double check that you’re still in the system?”

    Customer: “I guess I should give you my new number.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    Customer: “It’s just weird. I got the texts just fine on my old number, but then I got a new phone number and now I don’t get any.”

    Me: “Wait. You created a rewards program membership under your old phone number, you didn’t let us know you got a new phone number until now, and you’re upset because you can’t figure out why you weren’t receiving the promos?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: ” … I imagine updating your phone number will help.”

    The Manager Has To Wake Up And Smell The Coffee

    | West Yorkshire, England, UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (We are having a meeting about how many errors we are making on our tills. When we explain why these are happening, our boss seems to think we are all idiots and decides to spend a few hours watching what we do, starting off by showing us how to use the till properly.)

    Customer #1: “Can I have a medium latte please?”

    (My manager makes the drink and processes it on the till without a problem. I’m the first to go on the till afterwards.)

    Customer #2: “Yeah, can I get a medium skinny latte.”

    (I make the drink, process it on the till, and tell the customer the price which is also written on the menu board behind me.)

    Customer #2: “Sorry, I don’t have enough. Can you make me a plain latte?”

    (I make the second drink for the customer and process this on the till, but it goes down as an error which causes my manager to glare at me. I tell the customer the new price.)

    Customer #2: “Yeah, I don’t have enough for that either. Can I have a tea?”

    (I make a third drink and re-process this on the till making another error. The customer finally pays and leaves.)

    Manager: “Yeah. I’ll just tell head office this town is full of idiots…”

    Will Try To Tag Themselves In Jail

    | TX, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top, Transportation

    (I stop a young, 20-something woman for using her cell while driving in an active school zone.)

    Me: “I stopped you, ma’am, for using your phone while driving in a school zone, which is against the law.”

    Driver: “I am not calling anyone or texting, so I am not using my phone. I was updating my Facebook status!”

    (After citing her, we both pull away from the curb. I then witness her using her cell AGAIN, so I stop her once more.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I have already explained and cited you for the very same reason I am pulling you over the second time. I do not want to have to arrest you, so please do not use your phone while driving again.”

    Driver: “One more time, officer, I am NOT calling or texting! I am uploading a picture of my citation to Pinterest!”

    Not A Sound Argument

    | Exeter, England, UK | Bizarre, Movies & TV, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working on retail in the cinema. It’s quiet because all the films have started. A lady comes down from a screen.)

    Me: “Hello. Can I help?”

    Customer: “Yes. My daughter and I are watching a film in screen one, and the sound is AWFUL! You can hardly hear anything. It’s terrible! Can’t you get it fixed? I’ve had my hearing tested by professionals and I’ve got the hearing of a 14-year-old, so I know I’m not just imagining it. Get it fixed. It’s ruining our film. My daughter’s been looking forward to seeing it for ages, and it’s ruined!”

    (When she finally leaves, I radio the technician to check it out. Afterwards, he comes to the counter.)

    Technician: “You know the problem in screen one?”

    Me: “Yeah, what exactly was the problem?”

    Technician: “Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with it. I didn’t do anything to fix it, because it’s fine. She must be nuts.”

    (After the film, the customer approaches me at the counter again.)

    Customer: “Thank you SO much for getting that problem checked out. It was SO much better afterwards!”

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