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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Love Is A Game

    | Fresno, CA, USA | Love/Romance, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I am the assistant manager at a local video game/electronics store. A customer comes into the store when it is empty. He is really nice and we are talking about what type of video games and music we enjoy. It was your typical sales conversation and that was all. The next day when it is swamped, my coworker tells me there is a customer on the phone that would like to speak to a manager. I pick it up and professionally introduce myself.)

    Customer: “Hey, I am glad it is you that is there. Remember me? I am the guy you talked to yesterday about [Video Game].”

    Me: “I am really sorry, sir, but I talk to a lot of people each day. Was there an issue with the game you purchased yesterday?”

    Customer: “No, I just wanted to call and see if maybe you wanted to go out.”

    (I stand there looking at a line to the door and see the customers’ faces start to get upset.)

    Me: “I am sorry but I have a line to the door right now and cannot talk about this. Can I put you on hold and get back to you in a few minutes?”

    Customer: “You are just going to hang up on me. You are just being a b****. If you didn’t want to go out with me, you shouldn’t have flirted with me.”

    Me: “Sir, I am sorry you feel that way but I cannot talk about this right now. I am going to put you on hold and I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

    (I put the customer on hold and he hung up in a few minutes. The next day my manager let me know that I received a complaint from a customer who was upset that I turned him down for a date and recommended that I be let go for bad customer service!)

    Their Service Is Undead

    , | San Antonio, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Technology

    (The customer is calling us to let her know her services are out.)

    Me: “Aha. It looks like the network box for the house just lost contact with us. There isn’t anything in its logs showing us the power went out, so I think we should be all right.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. What causes that, anyway?”

    Me: “It could be any number of things. Short-term loss of power, the box gets a quick enough surge of power to confuse it—”

    Caller: “Aliens?”

    Me: “I’m not ruling that out either. That reminds me. I need to pick up some foil on the way home. Thanks.”

    (The caller and everyone on her end of the call burst out laughing at that. We continue on, and we’re setting the ticket up.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ve got the green light to send the tech out tomorrow morning.”

    Caller: “Hang on a second. I’ll put my friend on. She’ll be here tomorrow to meet the tech.”

    (The caller puts her friend on the line. I get her contact info and add it to the ticket.)

    Me: “Are there any access restrictions like dogs on the property, a locked fence, anything like that?”

    Friend: “I think there might be zombies in the yard. Is that going to be a problem? I think she’s also got a vampire stalking her that might be in her yard.”

    Me: “Don’t worry. Our techs have everything they need on their truck to handle anything. About the vampires: they should have some stakes and garlic on the truck, unless it’s a Twilight-type vampire in which case they have whiskey and a Motorhead CD just in case.”

    (The caller and her friend start laughing even harder. I submit the appointment.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I want to thank you both for choosing [Provider]. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow. On a side note, this call just made my night. Thanks, you two.”

    Needs To Pour Oil Over Troubled Water

    | LA, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

    Customer: “I need to know where the motor oil is.”

    (I tell her, but she comes back to the counter with a bottle of transmission fluid.)

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s not oil. It’s transmission fluid.”

    Customer: “What do you know about it? You’re a girl. Just ring me up.”

    (I ring her up. She pays and goes outside, pops the hood of her car, and gets on the phone. Two minutes later, she’s back.)

    Customer: “I needed oil. You sold me the wrong thing. I need to exchange this.”

    Me: “Okay. Do you need some help? It’s slow. I can do this for you.”

    Customer: “What, do you think you know about cars? I’m on the phone with my husband and he knows more about it than you do. Just do the d*** exchange so I can get some oil.”

    (I do the exchange. She comes back up with oil.)

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s 50 weight. You don’t want that, you want 40 weight.”

    Customer: “This is what my husband said to get.”

    Me: “Oookay. Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to help?”

    Customer: “No. You’re a girl and you don’t know what you’re talking about. My husband works for [Company] and he knows way more about it than some clerk!”

    Me: “Well, maybe he does, Ma’am, but he’s not here.”

    Customer: “Just ring me up.”

    Me: “Okay, if you’re sure you don’t need help.”

    Customer: “I don’t need your help.”

    Me: “Yes, Ma’am. You have a nice day, now.”

    Customer: “Whatever.”

    (I watch through the front window as she went back to her SUV and smugly poured her oil… into her radiator. I wonder what her husband said when her engine blew up halfway across the causeway.)

    They Just Can’t Cut the Mustard

    | FL, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working the copy desk when a customer walks in.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to print some photos on my flash drive.”

    (She hands it to me.)

    Me: “Alrighty. I’ll just hook it up and we can go from there.”

    (I connect the flash drive to my computer and open the folder for it, to find that there is only one photo on it: a photo of the customer naked and rubbing ketchup and mustard on her large belly.)

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Yes, that one. I want it blown up to poster size, and I want 100 copies of that.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it’s against our company policy to print, er, photos of an explicit nature, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Really? Oh, darn. Well, do you at least like the picture?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Then it was worth it to come here after all!”

    They Have Incompatible Operating Systems

    | England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I own a small computer store that specializes in repairs and does a large number of home and work visits to repair machines on site. I am a gay man. My partner is an employee, and we often go on call-outs together. This particular call-out is to a young woman’s home. She seems quite pleasant.)

    Me: “This seems straight forward enough, but it will take some time to complete. [Partner] will head back to the shop to get some parts whilst I work on that, if that’s all right?”

    Customer: “That’s fine, thanks.”

    (I continue working on the machine whilst my partner heads back. Whilst he’s gone the customer heads out of the room for a moment and comes back without her sweater on, and only the shirt beneath it. I don’t think anything of it.)

    Customer: “Can I get you a cup of tea or some biscuits?”

    Me: “That’d be great. Two sugars, thanks very much.”

    (She leaves for a couple of minutes and comes back with some tea and biscuits, now wearing only a tank top instead of the shirt. I’m getting a little suspicious.)

    Customer: “There you go. You don’t mind me watching you work, right?”

    Me: “Of course not. I prefer to have the owners with me. It avoids me getting accused of anything.”

    Customer: “Ah, you don’t have to worry about that, hun.”

    (She sits a little close for comfort whilst I work. I don’t say anything, but I can guess what’s going on here. A few more minutes pass before the phone rings and she leaves the room to answer it. Shortly, she returns wearing only a bra on her top half. I’m speechless.)

    Customer: “That was my husband. He said he won’t be home for some time, I’m afraid.”

    (Seconds later my partner walks in through the front door and straight into the room I’m working in and is also stood there speechless.)

    Me: “Uhh… Hey, love, did you get the parts?”

    (Even though he’s holding them, I want her to see I’m gay. He nods.)

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re gay?”

    (Silence for a moment.)

    Customer: “Even better.”

    Me: “I’m afraid we have to go now.”

    (I and my partner practically run out the door, leaving the computer case open but functional.)

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