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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 9

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Underaged

    (It’s the weekend after the release of ‘Grand Theft Auto V,’ and demand for it is high. It’s my first call of the day, and quickly I realise it’s an under-18 boy trying to place an order.)

    Me: “Good Evening. [Company]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

    Underage Customer: *squeaking* “Hi there. I’m wondering if it’s possible to order Grand Theft Auto V, please.”

    Me: *smiling* “Absolutely. However, I’m required to warn you that an adult over the age of 18 must be present to sign for the delivery of the item, and that adult will be told exactly what’s being delivered before they sign for it. Is that okay?”

    Underage Customer: *still squeaking* “F****** d***! F***!” *click*

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 8
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 7
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 6
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 5
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 4
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
    Grand Theft Innocence

    Queen Of Hearts On Line Two

    | MT, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (I’m doing troubleshooting with a customer, mostly to see if I can figure out what’s wrong with her washer. She’s just unplugged it for one minute and plugged it back in.)

    Me: “Okay, let’s try to get it to fill up with water, and then manually switch it to a point in the cycle where it drains.”

    Caller: “Okay! I’ll do a speed wash, then you can call me back in 20 minutes when it’s done!”

    Me: “Great idea!”

    (I hear beeping in the background, and I’m assuming this is the machine beginning the cycle.)

    Caller: “Oh, no! I think we broke it more!”

    Me: *panicking* “Oh, no! What’s it doing?”

    Caller: “Now the water isn’t even filling up! All the hoses are connected and everything!”

    Me: “Oh, no! Well, I’ll go ahead and set up you for service then.”

    Caller: “You were supposed to fix it, not make it worse! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

    (The caller yells the last bit, and I jump so badly I fall out of my chair and knock my headset off. When I pick it back up, I hear her laughing.)

    Caller: “Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry I scared you! I was only fooling!”

    Me: “That’s okay. I’m awake now.”

    Just Crushed Her Saga

    , | USA | Money, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, ma’am. I do believe there’s a fraudulent charge on my account.”

    Me: “Oh, no! Let’s see what we can do. Which item is fraudulent?”

    Customer: “The $29.99 charge on January ninth.”

    (I scroll down to the charge and then I notice the woman’s account is completely over-run with $0.99 charges to Google. When people get customer debit card numbers, they often make small purchases so they customer won’t notice, but this is completely insane.)

    Me: *ignoring the Google charges for the time being* “Okay, I see the $29.99 charge. Do you want me to file a dispute on this item?”

    Customer: “Oh! Oh, now wait, honey. I know what it is. I forgot I ordered that purse from the TV.” *laughs* “Never mind. I didn’t mean to waste your time! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Wait, ma’am, hold on. I’m glad you figured out that charge was legitimate, but I do need to ask you… Um, are you aware there are multiple small transactions to Google on your account? I mean, they go all the way back for at least three months. I’m seeing so many I can’t count them all!”

    Customer: “Oh, honey, I know. My husband tells me I need to stop!”

    Me: “Stop, ma’am? Stop what?”

    Customer: “Oh, you know. Ain’t you ever felt so swag you just had to play Candy Crush at three am?”

    Me: *blink* “No, ma’am. Can’t say that I have.”

    Customer: “Oh, I just get so mad. I just gotta beat that level!”

    Me: *laughs* “Well, hey, we all gotta unwind somehow!”

    Customer: “How much I spent on Candy Crush anyhow? $50?”

    Me: *tallying it all up* “Um… it looks like approximately $767.87 in three months.”

    (There is a prolonged silence.)

    Customer: “HOW MUCH!?”

    Me: “$767.87, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh honey, don’t you tell my husband. He already mad at me as it is. Oh well! Thanks, baby, you have a great night!”

    (The customer had well over $15,000 in her regular checking account so I suppose she wasn’t missing it too badly!)

    Rage Against The Machine, Part 2

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid, Technology, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a regular at an internet cafe and am quite friendly with the staff. I’m at the front counter chatting with one of them, while there is a young lady working on one of the computers that’s becoming visibly more and more frustrated. Eventually she slams her fists down on the keyboard. The staff member looks up from our conversation and goes over to see what’s wrong as I listen in.)

    Staff: “I’m going to have to ask you not to do that, miss, or you’ll have to pay for any damages. Is something wrong? Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “The computer won’t respond to me! It’s not sending the email I wrote up!”

    Staff: “Okay, I might be able to help you with that. How are you sending the email?”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. The computer won’t respond to me! It won’t do what I want it to!”

    Staff: “I understand, miss, but you’ll need to explain to me exactly what you’re trying to do so I can help you.”

    (Suddenly the customer goes ballistic and starts screaming at the staff member.)

    Customer: “CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I HATE COMPUTERS?! I HATE COMPUTERS! I HATE COMPUTERS! I HATE COMPUTERS!”

    (With this the customer picks up the keyboard and slams it down on the desk before pushing past the stunned staff member and running out of the internet cafe. The staff member eventually picks up and unplugs the now broken keyboard as I wander over to him.)

    Me: “Why would she be in here trying to send an email if she hates computers?”

    Staff: “I don’t know, but I’m going to go have a smoke.”

    Related:
    Rage Against The Machine

    Social Notworking

    | MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work on a call floor that supports connections and email for various small ISPs. Often the older customers don’t understand just what our support was limited to.)

    Customer: “I signed up for the WHOLE internet, and you didn’t give it to me!”

    Me: “Where is it that you’re unable to reach online?”

    Customer: “Well, I want to look at this pretty girl’s pictures, but it says I’m not signed up.”

    (It takes me quite a while to ferret out that he’s searched for pretty girls, followed a link to a popular social network, but isn’t a member.)

    Me: “Sir, signing up for social sites is your own responsibility, not the ISP’s.”

    Customer: “That’s outrageous! I paid for the whole thing! I want the whole thing!”

    (Although I’m not supposed to, I go ahead and walk him through the process of signing up for an account. It takes about 20 minutes, and he sighs heavily throughout the whole thing.)

    Me: “Okay! Now you’re all signed up. Go make some friends!”

    Customer: “WHAT?!? THERE’S MORE?! YOU make them be my friends!”


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