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  • Retract The Tract
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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Party Supplies In His Pants

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    (I am working the tablet display counter when a man walks in with his wife.)

    Customer: “So, what’s the difference between these two tablets?”

    Me: “This one has a faster processor and is better for playing video games or watching movies.”

    Customer: “Good, because I’ll need the larger screen to watch all that po-… uh, party supplies…”

    (At this, I can’t keep it together. The wife promptly collects her husband and leaves. As they’re leaving, he says…)

    Customer: “I wanted to look at party supplies, honest…”

    A Real Crappy Photoshop Job

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Crazy Requests, One-Liners, Technology

    Customer: “Can you remove this person—” *indicates one child right in the middle of a family photo* “—from this photo? Oh, and be careful, there was a dog taking a fat s*** behind him. If you can see it, remove it, too.”

    Out Of Control (Alt) Delete

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Elderly Woman: “I need you to delete a website!”

    Me: *thinking she means she wants to cancel her account with us* “Okay, ma’am, I can help you with that. Can I have the name of your website so I can look up the account?”

    Elderly Woman: “I don’t know the name! It’s got that Satanic Marilyn Manson on it! HE HAS SEX WITH SHEEP!”

    Me: *stunned* “Umm, is this a website you own?”

    Elderly Woman: “No, he has sex with sheep! I need you to hit the button and delete him from the Internet!”

    Me: “If this is a website that’s not on our servers, there’s no way I can delete it.”

    Elderly Woman: “Just hit the button!”

    Me: “I don’t know what to tell you.”

    (Someone else picks up the phone, a much younger sounding man, presumably the woman’s son or adult grandson.)

    Younger Man: “Can you just hit the button and delete the website so she won’t have to worry about it?”

    Me: *guessing that I have to play along* “Umm, sure, I’ll see what I can do.”

    (The man hands the phone back to the elderly woman.)

    Elderly Woman: “He has SEX WITH SHEEP!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’ll hit the button and delete it from the Internet.”

    Elderly Woman: “Oh, thank you! He’s the Devil! *hangs up*

    The ‘M’ Is Not For Monogamy

    | USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    Customer: “I can’t remember my password. Help?”

    (I verify his identity.)

    Me: “Your hint is ‘wife’s name.'”

    Customer: “Crap, which one?”

    Me: “It… starts with an ‘m?'”

    Customer: “Oh, that one. Thanks!”

    Your Solution Is The Bomb

    | SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Coworker: “Thank you for calling technical support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I think my tablet is about to explode!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, did you just say explode?”

    Customer: “Yes! I think there’s a bomb in it! I was watching a video, and all of a sudden the video stopped and it started making this awful noise! It was a bomb, I’m sure of it! I threw it out in the front yard and I’ve already called the police to send the bomb squad!”

    Coworker: *unable to hide the fact that he’s now laughing* “You… you called the bomb squad?!”

    Customer: “Yes! I wasn’t sure if I should throw it outside or into the toilet!”

    Coworker: “No! You don’t want to throw it into the toilet! Is the tablet still in the yard?”

    Customer: “Of course! The bomb squad hasn’t come yet!”

    Coworker: “Can you go outside and grab the tablet for me? I promise it won’t blow up. It’s just frozen. We can fix it.”

    Customer: “I don’t know… Okay, I guess. If you’re sure.”

    (There is the sound of a frozen tablet glitching on a video gets loud as she goes outside.)

    Customer: “See! You can hear it! It’s going to explode!”

    Coworker: *struggling not to laugh directly at the customer* “No, ma’am, I assure you it’s not. Go ahead and pick it up and press the power button for me, then hold it down.”

    Customer:  “It turned off! The screen is off! It’s going to blow!”

    Coworker: “No, ma’am, we just turned it off. Go ahead and turn it back on for me again?”

    Customer: “Oh… now it’s working. Thanks!” *click*

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