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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Has No Bridge Over These Troubled Waters

    | USA | Rude & Risque, Technology, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a retail rep at a well-known cellphone carrier store.)

    Customer: “I bought two phones two weeks ago. My brother’s doesn’t work. He says it has never turned on since he got it in the mail.”

    (I pull up the account to view if the device has been in use. Before I see this info…)

    Customer: “Oh, and how come his phone has a red square on the back but mine is white?”

    (For those who don’t know cell phones have liquid damage indicators that turn white to red when exposed to liquid.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. This device has liquid damage and is not covered by the warranty. You also didn’t add insurance to this line.”

    Customer: “So what does that mean?”

    Me: “You have to continue to pay on the phone and get a new one if your brother needs a phone.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s impossible. He said it never turned on since he got it.”

    Me: “I see on the account the device was used for the first time on [date] and stopped use three days ago. It had been in use for nine days of the twelve days you have had service.”

    Customer: “No, he would’ve told me if he got some liquid on it. That’s not possible.”

    Me: “Well, pink indicates exposure. Red, which this is totally red, means the phone was drenched in liquid. He must have gotten significant amount of liquid on it.”

    Customer: “So, you’re not gonna replace it?”

    Me: “We can’t. You have no insurance and you voided the warranty with damage.”

    Customer: “You’re telling me [Company] won’t back up the products they sell?”

    Me: “We do. So long as you have insurance for accidental damage or if there is no damage for warranty exchanges. You have neither.”

    Customer: “That doesn’t make sense. If I bought a car and there’s something wrong with it, the dealer would take care of it! The dealer would fix it for free!”

    Me: “Not if you rammed the car into a building.”

    Customer: “Well… If… So what? I gotta keep paying on the phone even though he can’t use it?”

    Me: “Yes. You still owe $300 on it.”

    Customer: “That’s outrageous! I’m not buying him a new phone. Cancel his line!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Although you have no contract therefore no early termination fee, your next bill will have a charge of $300 for the phone.”

    Customer: “What?! What happened to paying it off monthly like I was told?”

    Me: “As long as you have an active line you can pay it off monthly. You signed something that said the entire value of the phone is due immediately once service is canceled.”

    Customer: “I will still have my line.”

    Me: “The phone isn’t attached to your line. Yours is.”

    Customer: “Well, don’t you all just HAVE ME BY THE BALLS. Y’ALL GOT ME BY THE BALLS!”

    (He grabs all his stuff and starts to storm out.)

    Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

    Customer: “BY THE BALLS!”

    Unable To Make Contact

    | MD, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, School, Technology

    (I work in the IT Help Desk of a university.)

    Caller: “I’m calling about the homepage for the university.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Caller: “It’s terrible! I can’t see any contact information on the page at all!”

    Me: “Is it [website URL]?”

    Caller: “I don’t know! I’m not on that site now!”

    Me: “Okay, can you tell me the URL to the site you’re having this issue with?”

    Caller: “No! Your homepage doesn’t have any contact information! It’s terrible!”

    Me: “Well, I’m on the [website URL], which is what our homepage is, and there is contact information at the bottom of the page.”

    Caller: “That’s not good enough! You don’t have contact information on the page!”

    Me: “Yes, we do. It’s at the bottom of the page.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m a Harvard graduate and as an educated person, I didn’t think to look down there, so obviously the page is terrible.”

    Me: “Okay, well, at the bottom of the page-”

    Caller: “You’re telling me there’s the information there but I didn’t see it?!”

    Me: “What I’m trying to say is that it has a place to comment on the page. If you click-”

    Caller: “I’m telling you about this!”

    Me: “Okay, but I don’t run the website. So, if you click-”

    Caller: “This is a business call! I will never call again! I’m just trying to tell you the website sucks!”

    Me: “Well, thanks for letting us know. Have a great day.”

    Gives New Meaning To ‘Phone Bill’, Part 2

    , | CO, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

    (A customer calls in to a bank call center.)

    Customer: “I need to make a deposit.”

    Me: “I can certainly help you with that deposit. What do we need to deposit? Cash, check, money order?”

    Customer: “I need to deposit money.”

    Me: “What type of deposit? There are different ways to make a deposit depending on what you need to deposit.”

    Customer: “I need to deposit cash.”

    Me: “I can find you the closest ATM so you can make your cash deposit.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to go somewhere to make the deposit?”

    Me: “Yes, if you are depositing cash.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t I just deposit it over the phone?!”

    Me: No, I’m sorry. There is not a way to deposit cash over the phone.”

    Customer: “What kind of service is this?” *click*

    Gives New Meaning To ‘Phone Bill’

    Driving To The Wrong Conclusion

    | Australia | Crazy Requests, Technology, Transportation

    (The company I work for has a competition to win a car for customers who purchase a sewing machine and have store membership. A customer comes in, thrusting a receipt at me, in broken English.)

    Customer: “I pick up.”

    Me: *looking at receipt* “Oh, you are here to pick up a machine you have already paid for? What name is it under?”

    Customer: “I pick up.”

    Me: “Yes, I know. I need your name.”

    Customer: “I buy sewing machine. I pick up.” *points to competition sign*

    Me: “What do you want to pick up?”

    Customer: “I buy sewing machine. Get car.”

    Me: “Oh, no, that is a competition. If you buy sewing machine you might win a car.”

    Customer: “Where car?”

    Me: “Competition is to WIN car, which will be drawn in two weeks. You might win a car.”

    Customer: “Car not here.”

    Me: “No, come back in two weeks to see if you won it.”

    Customer: “I get car?”

    Me: “Only if you win it.”

    Customer: “Can get car in two weeks?”

    Me: “If you win it, we will let you know. Good luck.”

    (The customer leaves. I wait until they are safely out the door before I stop biting my lips in an effort not to laugh.)

    Coworker: “You were with them for ages. What was wrong?”

    Me “They thought they got a free car with a $200 sewing machine.”

    Coworker: “You’re having me on. That’s a joke?!”

    (Two weeks later…)

    Coworker: *to me* “Those customers came back in to pick up the car. I thought you were joking that day.”

    (They came in two more times looking for their free car!)

    No Signal Getting To His Brain

    , | WI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Hello. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “My ‘wifis’ are all locked.”

    Me: “Okay… let me see what you mean here.”

    (The customer pulls out their [Smartphone] and shows that there are lock symbols on all of the wifi networks openly broadcasting in the area.)

    Me: “Yes, these lock symbols mean that you have to login to the wifi network with a password.”

    Customer: “Password? What password? Wifis need a password? I’ve never used a password.”

    Me: “Does your home wifi not have a password?”

    Customer: “Which one is my home wifi?”

    Me: “Well, none of these. We have a wifi access point here in the store…”

    (I demonstrate to the customer how to log onto a wifi using the store’s own broadcasting wireless network.)

    Me: “But your home wifi will only be at your house. Not here. Do you know what your home wifi network is called?”

    Customer: “Why can’t I use any of these other ones?”

    Me: “These are just local wifi spots that are locked, with passwords, by their owners to keep people from freely using them.”

    Customer: “But wifi is supposed to be free, and I was told that I would have access to wifi with my new device.”

    Me: “Well, wifi isn’t always free. In places like Starbucks or McDonalds you’ll have free wifi that they pay for, but typical home networks, and even your 4G or 3G networks aren’t technically free. So, what you’ll have to do is go to your house, figure out what your home wifi is called, login to it by finding it on this list in your phone, and enter in the password if you have one.”

    Customer: “So… what’s my wifi password, then? I don’t think I have one.”

    Me: “I couldn’t tell you. That would be something you or you Internet provider would know.”

    Customer: “My provider is you guys.”

    Me: “Your home Internet provider.”

    Customer: “See, I don’t understand. Wifis are free, so why? When I use my wife’s laptop, I just go to the Internet. There’s no passwords for the Internet. Where would I need to use a password for FREE wifi?”

    Me: “Well, unless you’re stealing someone else’s unsecured wifi, you would have to have a network that you yourself are broadcasting, paying for, and connecting to that would either have or not have a wifi password involved. But again, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t be able to tell you that information. Your home cable or Internet provider would be responsible.”

    Customer: “So do I have wifi or not?”

    Me: “No. No, you don’t. Not if you don’t know what it is.”

    Customer: “Why isn’t there some technical thing? You know I’m not good with this computer stuff, but I wish there was some technical thing that would just tell you what the password is. Everyone gets free wifi, but I’m the one with all the problems. I think it’s the phone.”

    Me: “No, it’s not. Could you check on your home wifi for me and let me know what provider you have? I think I could get a pretty good idea of the problem with that information at least.”

    Customer: “Okay. Yeah, I can do that. I’ll check with the wife. She’s better at this stuff.”

    (I can now officially retire from customer service.)

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