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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Unlimited Texts, Limited Intelligence

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Family & Kids, Technology

    (After purchasing a cell phone a few hours ago, a teenager and her mom return, saying they’re having difficulty.)

    Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer’s mom: “She’s having problems sending a text message to her dad.”

    Customer: “Yeah, it keeps saying that it doesn’t recognize his phone or something.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s odd. Here, show me.”

    (The customer types a short message along with her dad’s number, and hits send. After a few moments, a message reads ‘Error: Your message was not sent. Address is not a recognized mobile device’.)

    Me: “Oh…are you trying to text it to his home phone?”

    Customer’s mom:“Yes! Why does that matter?”

    Me: “Because only cell phones can receive text messages. It’s not going to work.”

    Customer’s mom:“What? Since when? Well, she’d like a plan that can do that.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, it’s not up to me. That’s just how phones work.”

    Customer: “But it’s an unlimited texting plan!”

    Related:
    Unlimited Minutes, Limited Intelligence

    SIN Number

    | Glasgow, UK | Religion, Technology

    Me: “Good evening, you’re through to [name]. How can I help?”

    Caller: “There’s something wrong with the PIN for my set top box.”

    Me: “Oh, have you forgotten it?”

    Caller: “No, I know it, I just don’t like it.”

    Me: “So, you want to change it? You can do that from the box itself.”

    Caller: “Oh no! I can’t, I won’t! It is an evil number! It is your sworn duty to change it for me!”

    Me: “Okay. I can do that for you, no problem. So your current PIN is ‘0666’?”

    Caller: “Yes! Why did you let the Devil change it? I haven’t been able to play back my recordings because typing that will taint my enjoyment of them!”

    Me: “We didn’t, it’s based on the last 4 digits of your viewing card, it’s a random number.”

    Caller: “You should really put something in place to stop evil forces from controlling your random numbers like that. It’s insensitive and careless!”

    Networking Not Working

    | Victoria, Australia | Technology

    Caller: “I hope this won’t take much time.”

    Me: “It won’t, ma’am, it’s only a few simple steps. First of all, I need you to double click on My Computer.”

    Caller: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, our records show you running a Windows computer. Has that changed?”

    Caller: “I don’t think so.”

    Me: “Okay, now just double click on My Computer for me please.”

    Caller: “How can I do that?”

    Me: “It should be right there in front of you. Make sure all other windows are closed down and you should, hopefully, see it in the top left corner.”

    Caller: “How am I suppose to click on your computer? You must be like hundreds of miles away!”

    Scareware Makes Us Aware

    | Perth, Australia | Health & Body, Technology, Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Patient: “Um. I think I have an STI.”

    Me: “Okay. What symptoms do you have that makes you think that?”

    Patient: “Well, I don’t really know. My computer told me to be here.”

    Me: “Oh, did you do a self-analysis online?”

    Patient: “No. I’m not sure. I’m here, I need to be here!”

    Me: “Exactly what did your computer tell you?”

    Patient: “Don’t judge me! Stop it! I need to be here!”

    Me: “I can assure you that I am not judging you. Can you explain to me exactly what happened before you came here?”

    Patient: “Well, I was looking at some porn last night online and this morning I turned my computer on and it told me I have a virus!”

    Me: “Uh.”

    Patient: “Stop judging me!”

    Tricks Of The Trade

    | Denmark | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Me: “Welcome to [company name] hotline. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “My name is [name]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”

    Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”

    (I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)

    Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.” (This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)

    Caller: “Sure, no problem.”

    (I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)

    Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”

    (I hand the call to my manager.)

    Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”

    Manager: “Promote him?”

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