• Holy Guacamole, Get Off The Phone!
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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    That’s (Not) One Smart Cookie

    , | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work at a university library and we sometimes get calls about our online databases not working. 90% of the time, it’s due to cookies not being enabled.)

    Me: “[Library], this is [name], how can I help you?”

    Patron: “Yeah, hi, I can’t get [database] to work.”

    Me: “All right, do you know if you have cookies enabled?”

    Patron: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, open the internet and click on—”

    (I proceed to walk her through enabling cookies. After each step, I wait for the confirming “okay” from her.)

    Me: “…and that’s it! Does the page work now?”

    Patron: “No.”

    Me: “Did you enable the cookies?”

    Patron: “No, but I did close the internet! It should work when I open it again, right?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We need to apply a setting.”

    (I proceed to explain the process a second time, this time asking if she completed the step after each one.)

    Me: “Okay, try to open the page again. Does it work?”

    Patron: “No.”

    Me: “Did you allow the cookies?”

    Patron: “No. I closed everything.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, please click—”

    Patron: “This is frustrating! It should work if I restart the internet. I need [database] for class. Why won’t it work?”

    Me: “As I’ve already said, you need to enable cookies.”

    (We go through this process a third time.)

    Patron: “I can’t do this. I need to speak to someone else. I don’t want to talk to you anymore!”

    Me: “All right, ma’am, the librarian is right here. I hope she can help. Have a nice day.”

    (I happily give the phone over to my boss, who at this point is giving me the “I will kill you for making me talk to this person” glare.)

    It’s A Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid World

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Technology

    (I work in one of Australia’s most popular consumer electronics companies. One day, I have an older lady of about 70 years come in to return a digital radio.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Can I point you in the right direction?”

    Customer: “No, I’m here to return this radio. The world has gone stupid!”

    Me: “How do you mean?”

    Customer: “I turn the thing on and it says ‘scan channels’! I don’t get any sound!”

    Me: “Did you press the scan button?”

    Customer: “No. Why would I do something stupid like that?”

    Me: “It’s how you get the channels, ma’am. You scan the stations and then just press the ‘next’ button to find what you’re after.”

    Customer: “The world has gone stupid! I’m an educated lady! Why does everything have to be so difficult?”

    Me: “Did you read the manual, ma’am?”

    Customer: “It’s a f***ing radio! I shouldn’t have to read any manuals.”

    (I show the customer exactly what is needed to be done.)

    Customer: “I’m an educated old lady! I shouldn’t have to learn anything new! The world has gone stupid! You’re all a bunch of morons! The world is supposed to be getting easier!”

    Me: “And how is pressing two buttons so difficult, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, how do I tune it then?”

    Me: “As I just showed you ma’am, you press this button.” *points to “scan”* “Then, this button.” *points to “next”* “Keep pressing it until you find the station you want. It’s simple.”

    Customer: “The world is stupid! Things are meant to be getting easier, not harder!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what would you like me to do about it?”

    Customer: “I want a digital radio that works like the old style transistor.”

    Me: “We don’t have those, sorry.”

    Customer: “You do! I saw them there when I bought this piece of garbage.”

    Me: “These ones? These are analogue, not digital.”

    Customer: “How is that my problem?”

    Me: “You can’t pick up the digital channels with these.”

    Customer: “And?”

    Me: “You bought this one because you wanted the digital channels, yes?”

    Customer: “I would have thought that obvious!”

    Me: “Analogue won’t pick up digital. It also isn’t as clear.”

    Customer: “The world has gone stupid! An educated woman like me shouldn’t have to learn anything new!”

    Next customer in line: “Have you ever thought you’re the stupid one lady? Its two f***ing buttons! I’m older than you and I can use one!”

    (She continues to mutter about the world and its stupidity while leaving the store after insisting on a refund.)

    Soap And Awe

    | Oklahoma, USA | Health & Body, Technology

    (The customer was having trouble accessing his e-mail. I am walking through the steps.)

    Me: “Now, if you could just type in the address bar—”

    Caller: “Oh, you’ll have to give me a minute. I’ve only got one arm. I was in the war.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s okay. Take your time. I actually had a cousin that just got back from Afghanistan. He had lost both of his legs. I couldn’t imagine.”

    Caller: “Actually, I didn’t lose my arm in the war. I lost it in the shower.”

    Me: *in shock*

    Technical Take Backsies

    , | SK, Canada | Technology

    (I’m a service coordinator for a cellphone provider and I receive a phone call from a customer wanting help setting up his email.)

    Customer: “Okay, I’m into the email setup, but now, it’s asking for an email address and password. What email do I use?”

    Me: “Whichever email you want coming to the phone.”

    Customer: “I want my work email.”

    Me: “Then, enter your work email address and password.”

    Customer: “What is my password?”

    Me: “I don’t know your password, sir. Only you should know that.”

    Customer: “I don’t know it. Where can I get it?”

    Me: “It will be the same password you enter when checking your email at work.”

    Customer: “You mean [password]?”

    Me: “Um, yes, enter that. For future reference, you shouldn’t give out your password to people.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “That is how your email is secured so that others cannot access it. Someone who knows it could log into your email and send false emails or delete your emails on you.”

    Customer: “What? I don’t want that. Give it back!”

    Me: “Give what back?”

    Customer: “My password! I don’t want you logging into my email!”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you’re asking, sir. You verbally spoke your password. I cannot give it back.”

    Customer: “Well, this is just great. Now the whole world can access my email!”

    Me: “I assure you, sir, that nothing will happen. We honor customer security and nobody will know your password.”

    Customer: “But you know it.”

    Me: “Yes, because you told me. However, I will not do anything with it. As I said, we honor customer security and all information is confidential. You have nothing to worry about.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Did you manage to finish the setup?”

    Customer: “What setup?”

    Me: “You were setting up your email, did it go through?”

    Customer: “It’s still asking for a password.”

    Me: “Enter the password you said before and click ‘OK’. You should get a prompt saying it was successfully setup.”

    Customer: “You mean [password]?”

    Me: “Yes, enter that.”

    Customer: “Okay, it says it was successful.”

    Me: “You should start getting email now. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “So, can you keep my password in case I need it again?”

    E.T. No Phone Home

    | Australia | Technology

    (I was working in the call center of a telco, troubleshooting and resolving faults in mobile phone handsets and modems.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to return a faulty modem.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem with the modem?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t contact the mothership.”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “This modem. It’s faulty. I cannot contact the mothership with it!”

    Me: “Um, [company] has never offered nor guaranteed intergalactic coverage.”

    Customer: “Fine, I’ll just take it back to the shop.” *hangs up*

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