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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Scareware Makes Us Aware

    | Perth, Australia | Health & Body, Technology, Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Patient: “Um. I think I have an STI.”

    Me: “Okay. What symptoms do you have that makes you think that?”

    Patient: “Well, I don’t really know. My computer told me to be here.”

    Me: “Oh, did you do a self-analysis online?”

    Patient: “No. I’m not sure. I’m here, I need to be here!”

    Me: “Exactly what did your computer tell you?”

    Patient: “Don’t judge me! Stop it! I need to be here!”

    Me: “I can assure you that I am not judging you. Can you explain to me exactly what happened before you came here?”

    Patient: “Well, I was looking at some porn last night online and this morning I turned my computer on and it told me I have a virus!”

    Me: “Uh.”

    Patient: “Stop judging me!”

    Tricks Of The Trade

    | Denmark | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Me: “Welcome to [company name] hotline. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “My name is [name]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”

    Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”

    (I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)

    Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.” (This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)

    Caller: “Sure, no problem.”

    (I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)

    Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”

    (I hand the call to my manager.)

    Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”

    Manager: “Promote him?”

    The Price Of Laziness

    | Norway | Technology

    Customer: “My phone doesn’t work, it has dial sound only!”

    Me: “Okay, what I need you to do is to reset your phone by disconnecting it from the power and try the main phone connection.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t have time to do that. You have to send out a serviceman and fix this now!”

    Me: “Yes, of course we can do that. However, if the serviceman discovers that the problem is related to your phone or cables, you will have to pay for the service which is 1875NOK (around $290 USD).”

    Customer: “What did you say that I had to do first?”

    D as in Duh

    | Germany | Language & Words, Technology

    Me: “This computer’s serial number is 5, 2, Bravo, Delta–”

    Customer: “Whoa, hold up! I’m a civilian, I don’t do that military lingo. Try that again.”

    Me: “Okay, it’s 5, 2, B, D–”

    Customer: “Wait, was that two B’s?”

    Me: “No, that’s Bravo, Delta.”

    Customer: “I’m not in the military! Speak English!”

    Me: “B as in Bravo. D as in Delta.”

    Customer: “There, was that so hard?”

    For Ditzy Customers, Please Press 2

    | Ontario, Canada | Technology

    (I am calling a customer to let them know that their order is in.)

    Me: “May I please speak with Mrs.***?”

    Customer: “Speaking.”

    Me: “Hi there, this is Sarah, I’m calling from [store] to let you know that your order is in, and you can come pick it up anytime.”

    *long pause*

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Oh! I’m sorry. I thought you were a recording!”

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