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    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Right-Click, Wrong-Click, Part 3

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I am trying to find out how much RAM I have on my computer.”

    Me: “Okay. An easy way to find this is to right-click on the my computer icon, and left-click on properties.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. Now what?”

    Me: “You should see a box pop up with information about the computer on it.”

    Caller: “Okay, but nothing happened.”

    Me: “Nothing at all? What do you see on your screen?”

    Caller: “My desktop.”

    Me: “Alright. Well let’s try this again. What happens when you right-click on the my computer icon?”

    Caller: “Nothing.”

    Me: “Is the computer on?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you tell me, step by step, what you did?”

    Caller: “Sure. You asked me to write click on my computer, and I didn’t want to write on my brand new computer, so I got a sticky note and wrote ‘click’ on the note. I stuck it to the screen, over the my computer icon.”

    Me: *pause* “Oh. Okay. Well, by saying right-click, I meant pushing the button on the right side of the mouse. When you do this, it makes a clicking noise, so we techies call it ‘right-click’.”

    Caller: “Oh, wow. That makes sense!”

    Related:
    Right-Click, Wrong-Click, Part 2
    Right-Click, Wrong-Click

    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

    , | Allentown, PA, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work engineering support late in the evening.)

    Me: “Pennsylvania Support Center. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cleaning crew just came through my office, and now my mouse doesn’t work. The cursor just jumps all over the screen randomly when I move it. They broke my mouse. I need a new one.”

    Me: “You have a SPARCstation with an optical mouse, correct?”

    Caller: “Yes, with the cool glass mouse-pad.”

    (Old-school optical mice used to require special reflective mouse-pads with grids etched into their surfaces. To increase tracking resolution, the vertical and horizontal grids had slightly different spacing.)

    Me: “Did the cleaning crew wipe down your desk?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Did they move your mouse-pad?”

    Caller: “What does that have to do with anything?”

    Me: “Did your mouse-pad get rotated? Is the long edge of the mouse-pad now parallel to the edge of your desk?”

    Caller: “I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I just want a new mouse!”

    Me: “The orientation of the mouse-pad matters. The–”

    (The caller cuts me off and starts to yell. I realize that I can actually hear his voice coming from down the hall.)

    Caller: “Listen! Just open a ticket and have someone bring me a new mouse. I don’t have time for this. I design chips, so I know what I’m talking about. I probably designed the chip in the phone you’re stuck answering all day!”

    (I take off my headset, walk down the hall, and walk into his office up to his desk.)

    Caller: “…so don’t try to bulls*** me with, oh. Hold on, someone is in my office.”

    (I reach down, and rotate his mouse-pad 90 degrees. I move the mouse, and the cursor happily moves around the screen as expected. I walk out of his office, back down the hall, sit down at my desk, and put my headset back on.)

    Caller: *silence*

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Support Center. I trust I have resolved your case.”

    Caller: *silence*

    Me: “You will be receiving your ticket number via email. Thank you.”

    Caller: *click*

    Taxing Faxing, Part 8

    | NY, USA | Technology

    Me: “If you can fax me the paperwork by the end of the day, we can deliver it on Friday.”

    Customer: “I just have to run out and get some more ink for my printer. Hopefully, I’ll be back by 5 to send it.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said you already had the form filled out. If you still need to print it, it might be a bit difficult to get it to us.”

    Customer: “No. I have it filled out. I can’t send a fax without ink!”

    Me: “That’s okay. We have ink in our printer, so it will still
    come though.”

    Customer: “You obviously know nothing about technology!”

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing, Part 7
    Taxing Faxing, Part 6
    Taxing Faxing, Part 5
    Taxing Faxing, Part 4
    Taxing Faxing, Part 3
    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing

    Not The Apple From The Tree Of Knowledge

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [mobile carrier's name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I have an issue with my iPhone.”

    Me: “I will be happy to help you. What is the issue with your iPhone?

    Customer: “It’s just that when I turn it on, the apple on the screen appears bitten. Is that okay?”

    IQ Phone Home

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Hello, you’ve reached [phone support]. What appears to be the problem?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’m calling because I have been unable to make phone calls from my home phone.”

    Me: “Ma’am, what phone are you calling from right now?”

    Caller: “My home phone, why?” *pause* “Wait, you’ve fixed it! Thank you!” *hangs up*

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