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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    IQ Falls In The West

    | Hays, KS, USA | Language & Words, Technology

    Me: “Alright sir, in order to get this taken care of we will need to know the manufacturer of brand name of the product.”

    Customer: “I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand.”

    Me: “The company that makes the product.”

    Customer: “I still don’t understand.”

    Me: “It will state who makes it on the product.”

    Customer: “Oh, I know! It was China!”

    Yukon Freeze It

    | Kelowna, BC, Canada | Canada, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Company] customer service. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “You sound different. Where are you from?”

    Me: “Canada. Is there something I can help you with?”

    Caller: “Canada? How big is the igloo you work in?”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t live in igloos. In fact, it’s about 40˚ here at the moment.”

    Caller: “40˚ is freezing!”

    Me: “40˚ Celsius. That’s 104˚ Fahrenheit.”

    Caller: “Oh my god, how do you keep your igloos from melting?!”

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    Yukon See It On A Map

    Daddy’s Little Hacker

    | Oregon, USA | Family & Kids, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [business]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “My girlfriend didn’t get her gift, and I want to know why.”

    Me: *looking into order* “Sir, I see that we received an email from you asking that we cancel the order, so we did.”

    Caller: “That’s impossible! Why would I do that? What email address was the email from?”

    (I verify his email address.)

    Caller: “Well, that’s the right address, but I didn’t send the email, you must have done it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but are you saying that I somehow hacked into your email account?”

    Caller: “Well, someone there hacked into my account!”

    Me: “Does anyone else know your password by any chance?”

    Caller: “No, I never give it out to anyone, that would be stupid.”

    Me: “At this point, I’m not sure how else to look into this. If you’re sure no one else has your password, let me get someone in our loss prevention department involved. They may know more. I’ll call you back when I have more information.”

    (I explain this all to someone in loss prevention and she calls him back. Later, she tells me what she found out.)

    Loss Prevention: “Turns out his daughter canceled the order because she doesn’t like dad’s new girlfriend.”

    Logic Board Illogic

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    Me: “Hello, this is ***.”

    Caller: “I want to get my money back on a laptop I bought.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Caller: “Nothing’s wrong. My mom won’t let me put internet on my laptop, so I don’t want it anymore.”

    Me: “I don’t give refunds. My warranty only covers breaks.”

    Caller: “So, if I break it you will give me my money back?”

    Emulation Alienation

    | Maryland, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (Note: It takes me ten minutes to determine the caller is actually on a Mac running a Windows emulation program.)

    Me: “Does your mouse have one big button?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So, you are on a Mac? This game is not supported on a Mac. I can’t help you. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “No, it isn’t. I am running Windows 98.”

    Me: “Look at the side of the computer. Is there a big apple logo on it?”

    Customer: “Of course there is. It’s an Apple computer.”

    Me: “Which means it’s MacOS. This game does not run on that OS.”

    Customer: “But I am in Windows mode.”

    Me: “Are you using SoftWindows to emulate a Windows 98 OS?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “We don’t support our titles on that.”

    Customer: “What if I tried changing the drivers?”

    Me: “No, that wouldn’t work sir.”

    Customer: “What if I tried changing other settings?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not. Sir, if you want me to help get it working the system it was designed for I would be happy to do that but I can’t help with emulated Window OS’s on a Mac.”

    Customer: “What if I tried it on my games console?”

    Me: “The Windows version of this game won’t work on a…hang on. Take the disk out of the drive and tell me what color the bottom of it is.”

    Customer: “Black.”

    Me: “This is the console version of the game. Did you try it on your console?”

    Customer: “Yes. I worked fine there.”

    Me: “So, why are you trying to run a console game on a Macintosh with an emulated version of Windows on it?”

    Customer: “I thought it would run faster?”

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