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    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Internet Disaster Preparedness

    , | England, UK | Technology

    (Line activations for Internet service can take up until midnight of the activation date. I am explaining this to the customer and helping him get the software installed on his PC in the meantime.)

    Customer: “So, what kind of things can go wrong?”

    Me: “Well, a number of things. Most of them are relatively simple to sort out and we should be able to talk it through.”

    Customer: “If it doesn’t work after midnight, if something goes wrong, what would I need to do?”

    Me: “Okay, well, we’re open 24 hours, so even if its one minute past midnight, give us a call back and we can do some troubleshooting.”

    Customer: “Send out an engineer. I don’t want some f***ing technically untrained idiot in call center messing around. I want an actual technician sent out.”

    Me: “I assure you, our call center staff are the first line of troubleshooting and can resolve the problem over the phone most of the time.”

    Customer: “Just send me out a f***ing engineer now. I know someone in a call centre wont be able to resolve my fault.”

    Me: “So, what exactly is the problem?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet!”

    This Domain Is Not In Your Dominion

    | Boston, MA, USA | Technology

    (The company I work for is in the business of hosting websites. I receive a call from a customer who is having trouble logging into his control panel.)

    Customer: “I can’t login to my website.”

    Me: “What’s your domain name?”

    Customer: “[username]@yahoo.com.”

    Me: “That sounds like an email address to me, not a domain.”

    Customer: “That’s my dominion.”

    Me: “Your domain name should be something like www.[sitename].com.”

    Customer: “Right, it’s [username]@yahoo.com.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s not a domain name.”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s my dominion!”

    Related:
    Dubya Dubya Dubya Dot Duh

    For The FBI, The M.O. On This PDF Is TBD

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    Customer: “My pedophile won’t print.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I sent my pedophile to print but it won’t come out the printer.”

    Me: “Oh, you mean PDF file? As in Adobe PDF?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that.”

    But The Energizer Bunny Never Dies

    | Burlington, VT, USA | Technology

    (I have been troubleshooting this customer’s cable for a while now. Finally, after getting his TV on the proper input, this happens.)

    Me: “Sir, does the little red light on the remote blink when you press a button on the remote?”

    Customer: “Err…no?”

    Me: “Okay, sir, that means the batteries in the remote are dead.”

    Customer: “What? That’s terrible! They can die?”

    I’m Falling (And Calling) To Pieces

    | Saskatoon, Canada | Technology

    Me: “Thanks for calling. How can I help you?”

    (I hear a loud banging noise over the phone.)

    Caller: “Sorry, I dropped my phone.”

    (More banging.)

    Caller: “Oh, no! I dropped my remote. Hold on.”

    (A few minutes later…)

    Caller: “I got my remote now.”

    (More banging.)

    Caller: “My batteries just fell out.”

    (More banging.)

    Caller: “Are you still there? I dropped my phone.” *call drops*

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