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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Not So Smart-Phone

    | Merrimack, NH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology

    Customer: “I’m looking for a cable to hook my [brand] cell phone up to the computer. The plug looks like this.” *the customer shows me the broken end of a cable*

    Me: “This doesn’t look like the plug for any [brand] phone I’ve ever seen. May I see the phone?”

    (The customer hands me his phone, which is a bulky, inelegant phone/camera/portable TV and very obviously not a [brand].)

    Me: “Sir, who told you this phone was a [brand]?”

    Customer: “Some guy in Boston I bought it from. See, right there is the logo.”

    (The customer points to a logo on the phone that looks exactly like the logo for one of [brand]‘s famous product lines, but it is slightly modified so that one of the letters is different.)

    Me: “Well, I think I see the problem. This is definitely not a [brand]; it’s a cheap Chinese knock-off, and that logo has one of the letters changed. See?”

    Customer: “Let’s look at the manual. I’ve got it here.”

    (The customer begins thumbing through what looks like a photocopied manual full of tiny text written in bad English.)

    Customer: “You’d think the guys at [brand] would be able to write clearer instructions.”

    Me: “Sir, I really recommend that you bring that item back if you can.”

    Customer: “No way, I bought this because it’s a phone that doesn’t need the web. All they have these days are smart phones that go on the web. But I’m not smart.”

    Me: “Did the guy in Boston tell you that?”

    Related:
    Not So Smart-Card

    Constant New Viruses Are Such A Strain

    | Maryland, USA | Technology

    Customer: “Can you recommend a perfect anti-virus to use on my computer?”

    Me: “At the rate viruses are coming out sir, there isn’t really any that protect your computer perfectly.”

    Customer: “So they don’t really work?”

    Me: “No, not really sir.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, which one doesn’t work the least?”

    It Would Explain Canada’s Lack Of Sun

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Canada, Technology, Tourists/Travel

    (I have just activated a new smart-phone for a customer. I am showing them how to set it up.)

    Me: “…and that is how you would send a text message. Do you have any other questions?”

    Customer: “The time is wrong on this phone.”

    Me: “That’s because you haven’t selected the correct time zone. Here, I will show you the time setup.”

    (I show the customer the list of time zones, and briefly leave her to answer another customer’s question.)

    Customer: *impatiently* “Excuse me! Excuse me! This phone you have given me is broken!”

    Me: “Broken? Why do you say that?”

    Customer: “There is no ‘Canadian’ time zone! It keeps trying to put it on ‘Eastern’!”

    Me: “Yes, that would be correct, it’s seven o’clock here.”

    Customer: *indignantly* “We don’t live in the east! This is Canada!”

    PEBCAK, Episode IV

    | Connecticut, USA | Technology

    (The head of a department wants her word processor upgraded to the latest version.)

    Manager: *on phone* “Okay, I’ll send Jeff over to upgrade you. Please back up all your documents, because he’s going to delete the existing version and install the new one.”

    (I go to her office.)

    Me: “Hi, I’m here to upgrade [word processor] for you. Have you backed up your documents?”

    Customer: “Of course I have.”

    Me: “Great!”

    (I wipe out the existing directory and install the new version. A few minutes before I get back to the faculty computing center, the phone rings.)

    Customer: on phone “Where are all my letters and papers? They’re all gone!”

    Manager: “Jeff says you backed up your documents.”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t know what you guys meant by that. I didn’t want to look stupid, so I said yes.”

    Related:
    PEBCAK, Episode III
    PEBCAK, Episode II
    Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

    When A Firewall Just Doesn’t Cut The Mustard

    | Norway | Technology

    Me: “Can you check the cable from the wall to your router?”

    Customer: “What cable?”

    Me: “The DSL cable. The one that goes from the phone-outlet in the wall, to the router.”

    Customer: “That ‘wall’ you are talking about…is that something you installed for me?”

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