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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Acting Rashly Can Leave You Pooped

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I’m work as a technical support agent for a satellite TV company. I get a call where I hear a baby screaming in the background.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling Technical Support. How are you doing this evening?”

    Customer: “Hello? Yes? I need to speak to someone in the technical department.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, this is the technical department, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I’m babysitting for a woman, and she has a one year old. I’ve never actually babysat a baby before, and I can’t figure out how to get the diaper off so I can change him! These things have some sort of electronic lock or something on them right so the baby can’t take them off?”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is customer support for satellite television, not a child care line.”

    Customer: “But you are a technical guy right?! You should be able to help me out! Is there somewhere I can put a code in or something? Come on!”

    Me: “Ma’am, again I apologize, but this is a technical support line for satellite television. I really can’t help you.”

    Customer: “Please, I’m begging you! I want to get paid for this job! if I don’t change his diaper and he gets a rash or something, I’m going to be in big trouble!”

    Me: “Have you tried peeling back the two little tapes on the front of the diaper?”

    (I hear the customer pause for a second, and then I hear the tell tale ripping noise of the diaper tapes being peeled away.)

    Customer: “Wow! You’re a genius! It came right off! Did you press a little button or something on your end?”

    Her Phone’s Not Much To Look At

    | London, UK | Family & Kids, Technology

    Customer: “This compensation thing means you can get a phone back, right? I shouldn’t even have to pay. It’s your fault my daughter doesn’t have a phone!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that Ma’am. Could you please tell me what happened and how it’s our fault? We’ll try to rectify it. Did it break for no reason?”

    Customer: “Her teacher took it! She was texting me and the teacher confiscated it! She has no phone until they give it back.”

    Me: “Most schools do operate a ban on cell-phones during school hours and inform the students. Ma’am, how is this our fault?”

    Customer: “You lot told me when I bought it that it would be perfect for teenagers! There should be something to stop it being seen in school!”

    Me: “And how do you suppose we do that?”

    Customer: “You’re the techno-geeks, you should be able to make it invisible on and off or something! God! You just don’t work hard enough!” *stomps out angrily*

    Touchscreen Has-beens

    | Nottingham, UK | Technology

    (Myself and another colleague are talking to two elderly ladies.)

    Lady #1: “You could just help us with one more thing.”

    Lady #2: “You see that red button in the corner of the screen?”

    (They indicate the interactive red button that accesses extra services, which you press on your remote.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Lady #1: “Well the TV says to press it and nothing happens. Actually, lets see if it works now!”

    (Lady 1 presses the red button and nothing happens. I immediately see the problem.)

    Lady #1: “You see! Your TVs are broken too!”

    Lady #2: “Oh, it’s working now.”

    Me: “I’ve just pressed the red button on the remote. Not on the screen.”

    In CyberSpace, No One Can Hear You Scream

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [internet company], you have reached [name]. How can I help?”

    Customer: “The internet isn’t working again!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, how long has it not been working?”

    Customer: “Since all the weird lights last night!”

    Me: “Oh okay, well what are the lights on the modem doming now?”

    Customer: “How am I supposed to know, its covered in tinfoil!”

    Me: “Ma’am that a terrible fire hazard! You need to unwrap that now!”

    Customer: “Absolutely not! Its the only way to keep the aliens out! I would rather burn the house down than allow them into my computer!”

    Me: “I’m sorry…aliens?”

    Customer: “Yes, aliens! And those weird lights outside, I told you! That’s why it’s not working!”

    (I hear her handling aluminum foil and a dog barking in the background.)

    Customer: “So are you going to get me a new modem or not?”

    Me: “Certainly, just a moment.”

    Customer: “That’s what I thought! Now hurry up! I need to go rewrap the dog!”

    Tangled Web

    | The Netherlands | Technology

    (I used to work at a call center that sells PC remote control software.)

    Me: “Good evening, you’re speaking with [name], from [company], would you be interested in our software?”

    (I explain what the software is about, it’s monthly fee and what its requirements are, which is basically internet.)

    Caller: “Yes, I’ll take one for two years.”

    Me: “So you’ve got all the requirements, even internet?”

    Caller: “I’ve got internet, I just take the cable out of the phone and stick it in my computer, right?”

    Me: “Sir, do you have some kind of modem or router?”

    Caller: “No, but I’ve got my phone cable. That’s how internet gets in, right?”

    Me: “Sir, since the program is not going to work unless you have internet, I’m not going to sell you a two year prescription.”

    Caller: “But I want it!”

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