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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Something Smells Fishy, Part 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Last night, I was drunk on a boat and I threw my phone overboard. Now it is on the bottom of the lake. Can you send someone to pick it up for an exchange?”

    Me: “I thought I heard you said it is on the bottom of a lake.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is. Can you send someone?”

    Me: “No, we cannot send someone to the bottom of the lake to pick it up. Also, since you don’t have your phone, we can’t exchange it.”

    Customer: “But I do have it, it’s in the bottom of the lake.”

    Me: “Then, you don’t have it.”

    Customer: “But, I do have it. I mean, it’s not in my hands but I know where it is, so it counts as if I had it.”

    Me: “No, it doesn’t, sir. Besides, we need to have the phone first in order to send you a replacement.”

    Customer: “I do have it. It’s at the bottom of the lake!”

    Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

    Customer: “How do you know it has liquid damage?”

    Me: “The phone is at the bottom of a lake!”

    Related:
    Something Smells Fishy, Part 2
    Something Smells Fishy

    Feeder Mice Not Included

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

    Me: “[Company] tech support, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don’t want one.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “It’s giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.”

    Me: “Read the message to me please.”

    Caller: “Error: Python required to run script.”

    So Good It’s Not Even There, Part 2

    | Essex, UK | Technology

    Customer: “I need a printer cable.”

    Me: “Just a regular power cable?”

    Customer: “No, not one of those. One to go from my printer to my laptop.”

    Me: “Oh, you mean a USB cable?”

    Customer: “Yeah, a USB cable, that’s it. That is wireless, yeah?”

    Related:
    So Good It’s Not Even There

    Not Your Only Loose Connection

    | Nova Scotia, Canada | Technology

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “My internet’s not working.”

    Me: “Okay, I can help–”

    Customer: “It’s your f***ing network!”

    Me: “Okay, I can see your frustra–”

    Customer: “[Company] is a piece of s***!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re both people and I’d respect it if you treat me like one.”

    Customer: *sigh* “Fix it.”

    Me: “Your ethernet cord is unplugged.”

    (The customer notices this and plugs in ethernet cord.)

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry.”

    Try Not To Catch A Code

    | Claremont, NH, USA | Technology

    Me: “Hi, this is [computer repair]. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hi, I think there’s a problem with my computer. I was online and lots of windows starting popping up. Then, it locked up and I couldn’t do anything.”

    Me: “That sounds like it has a virus. Just don’t touch it. Bring it in, and we’ll take a look at it, okay?”

    Customer: “Oh no! I’ll be down shortly.”

    (About thirty minutes later, a woman comes in with a disgusted and terrified look on her face. She is carrying her computer in a black trash bag.)

    Customer: *hands me bag with outstretched hands* “Here, take it!”

    Me: “Why is it in a black trash bag?”

    Customer: “I didn’t want to catch the virus!”

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