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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Staring Into Space Bar

    | Piteå, Sweden | Technology

    (A customer calls in because her computer has been hijacked by malware. After some troubleshooting it is clear that there are no repair options available due to system corruption. We decide on a reinstallation of the operating system.)

    Me: “Before we press the restart button I will explain what will happen. During the reboot a line of white text on a black background will appear stating ‘Press any key’ – the moment you see this line you press space. The most common mistake made by customers is that they feel insecure and ask before pressing which takes too long and we have to restart the computer again. The moment you see ‘Press any key’ I want you to press space. Any questions?”

    Customer: “No, I understand.”

    Me: “Okay, go ahead and press restart then.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    (The customer goes silent for a while.)

    Customer: “So, press any key. Does that mean I can press any key on the keyboard?”

    Me: “Yes, but press the space bar just to be sure since some keys might not register.”

    Customer: “Oh. So that’s the any key! Is that the long button?”

    Me: *pause* “That is correct.”

    Customer: “Ok. Now it says Windows XP and the bars are moving.”

    Me: “So you didn’t press the space bar?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did you see the text?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. You were talking to me and I panicked!”

    No Holding Back

    | Webster, NY, USA | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company] support, can I have your employee ID number, please?”

    Caller: “Yeah, can you put me on hold?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “I called before and complained about the awful hold music you guys use. I want to see if you changed it.”

    Me: “Hold on just a minute.”

    (I put the caller on hold for a minute.)

    Me: “Hello, are you still there ma’am?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m here.”

    Me: “So is the hold music any less awful?”

    Caller: “No, not really. Thanks.” *click*

    Intelligence Goes Into The Trash Can

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

    Customer: “I had something typed up that I was going to send you. Tell me, how do you find a file that you’ve lost on your computer? I know it’s on here somewhere, but I can’t find it.”

    Me: “Oh, well, go to the upper right hand corner–”

    Customer: “I’ve tried that! I couldn’t find the file!”

    Me: “Hmm. Do you remember what the file name was?”

    Customer: “I don’t think it had a file name!”

    Me: “Well, did you save it as ‘Untitled’, then?”

    Customer: “I don’t think I saved it…”

    (Screen) Save My Internet

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada | Technology

    Me: “Hi my name is [name] from [company] internet tech support how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “My internet is down.”

    Me: “Alright what happens when you try to browse?”

    Customer: “Nothing, the screen goes black every time I leave the computer for a few minutes. And I have to hold down the power button for it to come back but that restarts everything!”

    Me: “Okay can you move the mouse?”

    Customer: “I tried that it doesn’t work!”

    Me: “Try pressing any key on the keyboard.”

    Customer: “Okay, the screen isn’t black anymore, but my internet is still down.”

    Me: “What does it say?”

    Customer: “Owner logged in.”

    Me: “Click on owner.”

    Customer: “Okay internet is working now.”

    Me: “Sir, that was your screen saver.”

    Customer: “I don’t know what that is, but thanks for fixing the internet. Bye!”

    No Aptitude For Latitude, Part 2

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Technology, Tourists/Travel

    (I am talking to a woman on the phone who needs to call back the next day. She is in Texas).

    Caller: “What time is it there?”

    Me: “Three thirty.”

    Caller: “In the morning?”

    Me: “No, in the afternoon.”

    Caller: “Oh. Of what day?”

    Me: “Saturday. We’re only three hours different from you.”

    Caller: “Really?” *pause* “Is it snowing?”

    Me: “No ma’am, its August. Its nice and sunny out.”

    Caller: “Oh wow!”

    Related:
    Yukon Freeze It
    No Vocation For Location
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
    No Fortitude For Longitude
    No Aptitude For Latitude

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