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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Touchscreen Has-beens

    | Nottingham, UK | Technology

    (Myself and another colleague are talking to two elderly ladies.)

    Lady #1: “You could just help us with one more thing.”

    Lady #2: “You see that red button in the corner of the screen?”

    (They indicate the interactive red button that accesses extra services, which you press on your remote.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Lady #1: “Well the TV says to press it and nothing happens. Actually, lets see if it works now!”

    (Lady 1 presses the red button and nothing happens. I immediately see the problem.)

    Lady #1: “You see! Your TVs are broken too!”

    Lady #2: “Oh, it’s working now.”

    Me: “I’ve just pressed the red button on the remote. Not on the screen.”

    In CyberSpace, No One Can Hear You Scream

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Technology

    Me: “Thank you for calling [internet company], you have reached [name]. How can I help?”

    Customer: “The internet isn’t working again!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, how long has it not been working?”

    Customer: “Since all the weird lights last night!”

    Me: “Oh okay, well what are the lights on the modem doming now?”

    Customer: “How am I supposed to know, its covered in tinfoil!”

    Me: “Ma’am that a terrible fire hazard! You need to unwrap that now!”

    Customer: “Absolutely not! Its the only way to keep the aliens out! I would rather burn the house down than allow them into my computer!”

    Me: “I’m sorry…aliens?”

    Customer: “Yes, aliens! And those weird lights outside, I told you! That’s why it’s not working!”

    (I hear her handling aluminum foil and a dog barking in the background.)

    Customer: “So are you going to get me a new modem or not?”

    Me: “Certainly, just a moment.”

    Customer: “That’s what I thought! Now hurry up! I need to go rewrap the dog!”

    Tangled Web

    | The Netherlands | Technology

    (I used to work at a call center that sells PC remote control software.)

    Me: “Good evening, you’re speaking with [name], from [company], would you be interested in our software?”

    (I explain what the software is about, it’s monthly fee and what its requirements are, which is basically internet.)

    Caller: “Yes, I’ll take one for two years.”

    Me: “So you’ve got all the requirements, even internet?”

    Caller: “I’ve got internet, I just take the cable out of the phone and stick it in my computer, right?”

    Me: “Sir, do you have some kind of modem or router?”

    Caller: “No, but I’ve got my phone cable. That’s how internet gets in, right?”

    Me: “Sir, since the program is not going to work unless you have internet, I’m not going to sell you a two year prescription.”

    Caller: “But I want it!”

    The Pen Is Mightier Than The Brain

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Technology

    Me: “I’m about to give you your account number. Do you have a pen handy?”

    Caller: “What’s a pen-handy?”

    Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 6

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Technology

    Caller: “I called to let you know the power is out so you may see alerts.”

    Me: “Thank you. I will notify the team. Is there anything else I can assist you with?”

    Caller: “Yes. I can’t connect to the internet on my laptop. I can’t find the wireless.”

    Me: “Sir, the power is out, so the internet is also down.”

    Customer: “Yes, but my laptop still has batteries.”

    Related:
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless

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