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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    There Must Be A Wormhole To The 20th Century

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Technology

    Patron: “Do you have a typewriter?”

    Me: “No, sorry. We haven’t had one in a while, but I can show you how to use Word.”

    Patron: “No, I need a typewriter. I want to put an address on an envelope.”

    Me: “Well you can do that in—”

    Patron: “I can’t believe you don’t have a typewriter. What kind of library doesn’t have a typewriter?! Where can I find one?”

    Me: “I really don’t know. You could try [office supply store], I suppose.”

    (The man leaves, grumbling. The next woman in line comes up.)

    Patron #2: “I don’t suppose your computers can take floppies?”

    You Have O Sense

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Technology

    Me: “I see the problem. You entered a zero in a field where you were supposed to enter an O, for ‘Other.'”

    Caller: “The letter zero?”

    Me: “No, the letter O. You have to enter the letter O in that field, not zero.”

    Caller: “The number zero or the letter zero?”

    Me: “The letter O.”

    Caller: “Okay, the letter zero…”

    Some Networks Can Never Be Found

    | USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    Customer: “I’m getting really frustrated with this!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “My ‘G spot’ won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Ma’am, do you mean your hotspot?”

    Customer: “Yeah, hotspot, ‘G spot’. It won’t work.”

    Me: “Has it worked before?”

    (I lose it at this point and cannot recall the rest. She continues to call it the ‘G spot’ for the remainder of the call. And yes, I did fix it.)

    Please Enroll Me In Serviceless Service

    | England, UK | Technology

    (I work in a mobile phone store. An elderly customer comes in with a slider handset and holds it up so I can see the screen.)

    Customer: “What’s that little red arrow mean on my phone?”

    Me: “It means you missed a call, sir. If you hold down the green button for a moment, it’ll show you who called you so you can try and call them back.”

    Customer: “Oh, and the yellow box?”

    Me: “That means someone sent you a message, sir.”

    Customer: “Get rid of it please. I don’t do messages. I only call people.”

    (I oblige, clearing the message and missed call notification from his phone.)

    Customer: “I think my voicemail’s broken, too. People keep saying they’ve tried to call me but I don’t get a message.”

    Me: “Let’s see if I can find out why.”

    (I call voicemail from his handset and the automatic lady runs through three or four blank voice messages. They’re the kind one gets if the called reaches the voice mail system and then hangs up before leaving a message.)

    Me: “All right, sir, it seems people are getting to the voicemail and then just not leaving you a message.”

    Customer: “That’s bollocks. My friend says he always leaves a message for me.”

    Me: “Well, let me check, just in case.”

    (I call his phone from my own, let it go to voicemail, then record a quick test message and hang up. Sure enough, when I check the voicemail on his phone, I’m there clear as day, with the full message I left.)

    Me: “Sounds like it’s working fine, sir. Perhaps he just hung up too soon?”

    Customer: “No, I know him. He’s not that thick. I know it’s got to be your service!”

    (After about a half hour of testing the service with coworker’s phones calling his, some on other networks, the problem fails to come up again. We all manage to leave messages without fault.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but I think your friend’s phone or service has to be the issue here, because your voicemail is working fine.”

    Customer: “Are you calling him stupid? I’ll bring him down here. You’ll regret it then! He’s ex-navy!”

    Me: “I’m just trying to help sir, there’s no need for threats. As far as I can tell your, voicemail is absolutely fine.”

    Customer: “Well, how do I turn it off? I never check it anyway!”

    This Channel Will Self-Destruct In 10 Commercials

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Technology

    (This customer has a problem with his remote control. I help him reprogram it and everything is working just fine now.)

    Me: “Well, sir, it looks like we got everything working. If you do ever have a problem with your remote control, we do have instructions on how to program them on our website.”

    Customer: “Thank you. I am a little worried about breaking this thing though.”

    Me: “Don’t worry, through normal use, you shouldn’t have a problem.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Just don’t hit the self destruct button and you’ll be fine.”

    (There is a long moment of silence.)

    Customer: “Um, I can’t find the self destruct button.”

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