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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Introducing The Dumbbook Pro

    | Connecticut, USA | Technology

    (Note: A new operating system has just come out for our computers.)

    Customer: “Hi, I wanted to get the new OS but I’m having some trouble. It gives me an error when try to download it from the App Store.”

    Me: “Okay, what kind of error is it giving? Are you running version 10.6?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it just won’t let me get it. I don’t know why.”

    Me: “How old is the computer?”

    Customer: “A couple years.”

    Me: “That’s strange. You should be able to get it. You might want to bring the computer in to have us take a look. What kind of computer is it?”

    Customer: “A Dell.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “It’s a Dell. I got it a couple if years ago. It’s running Windows XP.”

    Me: “Ah. Well, unfortunately, the new OS is Mac OS X. You would need a Mac to be able to run it.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s really inconvenient!”

    Unlimited Cluelessness Plan

    | NY, USA | Technology, Top

    (A woman comes storming through the doors. She blasts by other customers who are waiting in line and slams her phone onto the counter.)

    Me: “Is there something I can–”

    Customer: “This phone you sold me is a piece of s***!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What exactly is wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t work! I can’t get any calls on it!”

    Me: “Let me take a look.”

    (I pick up the phone and begin to examine it as the woman continues to rant and rave.)

    Customer: “I paid a ridiculous amount of money for this thing! I can’t believe you would charge me so much for something that doesn’t even work! What is the world coming to? Have you no shame? Do you do this to all your customers?”

    Me: “I think I see the problem, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Yes? And?”

    Me: “This is a TV remote.”

    (All the other customers are watching, dead silent.)

    Customer: *mutters* “I…I think I must have…grabbed the wrong…”

    (She snatches her remote and flees the store. As soon as she disappears, the entire store bursts into laughter.)

    Computer See, Computer Do

    | Dublin, Ireland | Technology

    Customer: “So, I bought this printer from you and set it all up. My computer keeps saying ‘printer not found’.”

    Me: “Well, that doesn’t sound right. Could you tell me what you have tried so far?”

    Customer: “Well, I turned the screen towards the printer, but the computer still keeps telling me that it can’t find the printer…”

    Something Smells Fishy, Part 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Last night, I was drunk on a boat and I threw my phone overboard. Now it is on the bottom of the lake. Can you send someone to pick it up for an exchange?”

    Me: “I thought I heard you said it is on the bottom of a lake.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is. Can you send someone?”

    Me: “No, we cannot send someone to the bottom of the lake to pick it up. Also, since you don’t have your phone, we can’t exchange it.”

    Customer: “But I do have it, it’s in the bottom of the lake.”

    Me: “Then, you don’t have it.”

    Customer: “But, I do have it. I mean, it’s not in my hands but I know where it is, so it counts as if I had it.”

    Me: “No, it doesn’t, sir. Besides, we need to have the phone first in order to send you a replacement.”

    Customer: “I do have it. It’s at the bottom of the lake!”

    Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

    Customer: “How do you know it has liquid damage?”

    Me: “The phone is at the bottom of a lake!”

    Related:
    Something Smells Fishy, Part 2
    Something Smells Fishy

    Feeder Mice Not Included

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

    Me: “[Company] tech support, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don’t want one.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “It’s giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.”

    Me: “Read the message to me please.”

    Caller: “Error: Python required to run script.”

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