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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Getting To The Out Source Of The Matter

    | Tempe, AZ, USA | Language & Words, Technology

    Me: “Hello, you have reached [business name]. This is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God! I was just talking to some mush mouth who couldn’t speak English right at all. You shouldn’t outsource; do your employers outsource? People can’t understand you when you outsource.”

    Me: “Well, I am sorry for that. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I want my password. That mush mouth changed it, and now I can’t log in.”

    Me: “I am sorry, ma’am. May I have your ID and what you want your password to be?”

    Caller: “Just change it back to what it was.”

    Me: “Well, I apologize, but I can not do that. For security reasons we can not see a password, only set it to something else. I can set it to a default or anything you request.”

    Caller: “Well, I am requesting the old password. Just fix it.”

    Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but it’s impossible for me to know.”

    Caller: “Well, my internet knows. It tries to use the password. Just take it from that.”

    Me: “I can not take a password from your browser. If your login was working, why did you call to change your password?”

    Caller: “The news told me people can take that information and steal all your files, so I was worried.”

    Me: “Ma’am, your information is safe, I assure you.”

    Caller: “Then why can’t you just change my password back to ‘Password’?”

    Me: “Your old password was ‘Password’?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Needs A Mass Reboot

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Religion, Technology

    (A customer walks up to the counter with a desktop and sets it down.)
     
    Customer: “Excuse me, are you Catholic?”
     
    Me: “No.”
     
    Customer: “Well, I think it’s possessed and it needs an exorcism. Do you have any Catholic workers?”
     
    Me: “I don’t think so. Maybe I can take a look at it?”
     
    Customer: “No! You have to be Catholic!” *takes his desktop and leaves*

    Lieutenant Dan’s Fruit Company

    | Vejle, Denmark | Spouses & Partners, Technology

    Caller: “It won’t stop loading! I’ve been waiting for twenty minutes and it hasn’t stopped loading yet! Help me!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. Let’s start by refreshing the page.”

    Caller: “Re… what?”

    Me: “Refreshing, ma’am.”

    Caller: “How do I do so?”

    Me: “Which kind if computer do you have?”

    Caller: “Why?”

    Me: “Which button you have to push depends on your computer. Is it a normal PC or an Apple?”

    Caller, to husband: “Honey, she’s rambling! Now she thinks we’re selling apples! How stupid does she think I am!?” *click*

    iNeed A Raise

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Technology

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “My iPhone doesn’t work, and those idiots in the phone department couldn’t help me.”

    Me: “May I take a look?”

    Customer: “Here it is. It won’t make phone calls.” *hands it to me*

    Me: “Ma’am, this is an iPod Touch.”

    Customer: “That’s exactly what that dumba** in the phone department told me. God, are all you people stupid?! iPods look like this!” *holds up an iPod Classic*

    Me: “That’s an iPod Classic. These are the new touch screen ones. May I see the box it came in?”

    Customer: “What? Here, fine.” *hands me the box*

    Me: “Ma’am, can you read this to me please?”

    (I flip the box to where the label clearly says iPod.)

    Customer: “What, are you blind too?! It says iP-…oh. Oh! Well, don’t I feel like a b****.” *walks off*

    Next customer: “Whatever they’re paying you, it’s not enough.”

    When It Is Best To Step Down

    | New York, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (An infuriated customer comes into my department with a bag that has a camcorder, DVD burner and CD’s.)

    Customer: “The person who sold this told me that it only takes three easy steps to make my DVDs, but it doesn’t even work.”

    (After fumbling with the burner for awhile, I realize that there is a CD inside.)

    Me: “That’s a CD, not a DVD; those won’t work. It says, ‘Please insert a blank DVD disc’.”

    Customer: “Those are DVDs!”

    Me: “No, those are CDs. They’re different.”

    Customer: “Well, the guy told me that they would work anyway.”

    Me: “It’s odd that the guy sold you CDs with a DVD burner. Do you remember what he looked like? Maybe I can talk to him?”

    Customer: “It’s that guy over there.”

    Me: “He doesn’t work in this department. He couldn’t have sold you a DVD burner and the CDs. Well, anyway, you need DVDs to get it to work. That’s what your problem was.”

    Customer: “Show me how to work this! I don’t have the instruction manual anymore.”

    Me: “Well, it’s easy. Plug it into the wall, open the lid, insert the disc, turn it on, pick your scene and press this red button here.”

    Customer: “It said three easy steps. That’s way more than three steps!”

    Me: “I don’t think that they consider plugging it in and putting the disc in steps.”


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